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    • #146958
      mothball
      Participant

      Hello everyone!!

      I’m so glad I found this forum. I’m really confused/stressed and I just wanted some place to write this out and maybe get some feedback on things before I see a counselor, please bear with me if I’m rambling! 🙂

      There are some things to note before the details:
      My partner is for the most part considerate, supportive, enjoys laughing and relaxing, and is kind to me. I’ve been thinking that maybe we have both changed or grown and our values/goals no longer align. Another thought I’ve been having recently is that the relationship overall became intimate very quickly, and maybe there were not enough chances to really get to know each other. I enjoy spending time with him and appreciate when he listens and communicates with me in a healthy way. He definitely has some past traumas and emotional things he needs to work on, but he has refused professional help when I brought it up.

      When I met my partner, I was desperate for affection, coming off of a bad breakup. I definitely did not give myself enough time to think about what exactly I wanted in my life, did not really take care of myself, and kind of just ended up rolling with whatever came at me. I had been struggling with my mental health diagnosis and general psyche (very insecure, self-centered) and habits. I was also a very negative person/edgy teen type, I wanted to do exactly what I wanted and nothing else/no compromises, and I think I pushed many people away in general with how abrasive and just how much of a downer I could be. I’m also introverted, I like conversation but I also need a decent amount of alone time to feel ‘normal’.

      I have very few memories of our time dating, as it was mostly over long distance. I looked at past messages and it was a little alarming how fast things developed, as well as how much time we spent together, and the things that my partner demanded from me early on.

      -Before committing to a monogamous relationship (my preference for long term), I was talking to other people at the same time. I mentioned this and they became extremely upset. I ended up cutting off contact with all of these people, or limiting how much I talked to them.
      -We met in person twice before moving in together…I don’t think I would do something like this now. I didn’t realize how dangerous this was, my parents pleaded with me to stay and focus on building a career but I was very stubborn.
      -Turned down job opportunities to move to a different country.
      -When I wanted to be alone or spend time with family, he would complain about it, then apologize or be sad about it.
      -When I turned down sexual advances, he became moody and inconsolable. Everything would become fine after sex.

      As I mentioned, things are generally ok… But here are some other things which have happened recently that alarm me:

      -I visited my friend’s house to relax. She asked if I wanted to get food outside, I said yes! My partner texted and called me anxious if I was coming home. I asked if it would be ok to grab a meal with my friend. He became very irritated, and I ended up just going home. Also asked me if I was cheating on him with her (???)
      -Expects me to be the caretaker most of the time.
      -Looked through my phone to see if I was cheating. Accused me of cheating multiple times and asks me ‘Who are you texting?’ and does not trust me fully.
      -Driving aggressively/speeding and slamming on the brakes or swerving when they get angry in the car. Told him to please never do it again…he apologized…he still does it.
      -Throwing stuff around, threatening to break ‘all of our stuff’.
      -Apologizes for talking down to me/cursing at me/calling me names, then continues to do it next time.
      -Seems to make disrespecting comments about other people randomly.
      -When I do not agree with their opinion on something, they get frustrated. But I also am kind of annoying with how often I default to debating things for no reason.
      -Groaned and acted childish at the grocery store, after I said they didn’t need to come with me.
      -Said something like “I shouldn’t have listened to you about [major life decision] because [xyz] and should have just gone ahead and made [major life decision] without your input.”
      -Threatening self harm/suicide and homicide. Talked about how this makes me feel, and he continues to say these things.
      -Other things I just cannot remember right now…

      I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a long time but it’s all so jumbled up in my head! I guess I blocked some things out….I’m mainly torn right now because we had a bad time recently but now he’s being very understanding and kind to me. I also have pretty much only had experience with unhealthy relationships so I have trouble defining what is and what isn’t ok. I brought up some complaints I had and he is trying to recognize when he is overstepping boundaries and watching his tone, and seems remorseful. He seems to agree that some of the stuff he has said/done is not right. He seems to have stopped pursuing sex if I don’t want it, for the most part. It has me wondering if maybe I was just not being open enough about my feelings. Or maybe I didn’t tell him what I expected properly.

      I’ve thought about leaving, but the logistics of it is complicated. I haven’t talked to my family about any of my feelings. I am away from everyone I used to know, and the places I’m familiar with. I don’t have any friends I feel comfortable talking to about personal issues anymore. I don’t know…Maybe I just have a short memory. We have fights then I forget about it and everything’s daisies and bumblebees again. I get so stressed when he gets angry and uncontrollable, my whole brain feels like it’s pulsing, and I’m numb, and can’t talk. Then he gets mad at me for not being part of the conversation. I used to cry a bunch but now I don’t want to because it’s so exhausting and sometimes I think he just wants a reaction from me (?).

      I know that usually people say abusers never change, but for some reason I’m hopeful, because everyone has ups and downs, and I guess it’s my choice in the end. Please let me know if you think I should consider leaving because I think I want to but I’m…..comfortable(?). I’m motivated to help them with their emotions but I know they have to take the initiative. I’ve been reading Lundy Bancroft’s book and all your posts here just lurking and it makes me sad to relate to but also makes me hopeful. Thanks to the moderating team and the organization to keeping this forum up and running!!! And a huge thanks to everyone for making it to the end of my venting (I did not expect to write this much haha)! I appreciate you all so much.

    • #146965
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Mothball

      Welcome, and sorry for your situation.

      First of all, when you talk about you don’t know whats ok, there isn’t a set rule of course as everyone has their own limits/boundaries to a degree, but the line is wherever you are comfortable with it. Noone else can tell you what you should or shouldn’t be comfortable with, and when you express discomfort, in any situation, thats your boundary, and if thats ignored then thats really not ok. If you have said, as you say you have, how upset he’s making you, or how aggressive and intimidating he is and what its doing to you and it doesn’t stop, then you know its wrong. You can feel how wrong it is for you, as that would be for anyone.

      Some things cannot be apologised for! We say sorry for accidents, not when someone deliberately does something repeatedly in the full knowledge of the pain its causing. Doing this would tend to mean that this person is doing this BECAUSE they know its causing pain/distress, and thats the difference. You’ve said that he knows because you’ve told him yet still he does it, thats abuse.

      You’ve been reading here and Lundy’s book, and these should give you a fair idea of what abuse is, and this will help you to gather your thoughts into a bit more order and sense, as otherwise,yes they do end up scrambled and it can be difficult in the end to even know what you want for yourself anymore.

      You’ve taken a big and brave first step though in writing all this out. Maybe at some point you can reach out to someonein your family also, to let them know how unhappy you are.

      You know now that underneath all the smarm and charm, he really can be deliberately cruel to you, and you are isolated in another country, which can make your ability to feel strong and capable of choices severely restricted.

      Keep on talking, and posting, it all helps with the formulating your thoughts, which help support your feelings. You will make sense of this for yourself. Ask here for anything else you need.

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #146972
      mothball
      Participant

      Thanks for your reply, Twisted Sister! I’ll take what you said into consideration. That’s a good point, that he continues to do things that he knows will hurt and startle me. I’ll try to remember it.

      X
      Mothball

    • #148146
      Confusedyetclear
      Participant

      This post really is relatable to me and I can see so many parts of how you are feeling and questioning which feels confusing and conflicting…
      Like you, I was and I guess am comfortable with how things are/were. Therapy really taught me to consider that I had become comfortable with being abused and that I associated love with toxicity. When in actual fact abuse is not love and love is not abuse. It’s really difficult when past life experiences create a mindset of what love is and then we get comfortable with accepting whatever that looks like.
      What is great is that you are questioning it and being curious about if his behaviour is ok which suggests possibly you are not as comfortable as you think you are…. That was my starting point… Would I really be questioning it all if I was truely comfortable and happy…
      Best if luck and hope therapy helps clear some of the things you question xx

      • #149082
        mothball
        Participant

        Hi Confusedyetclear,

        I really appreciate your response to me. I realize now after some journaling and therapy that my childhood experiences with emotional abuse from my parents definitely made it so that it appears to be the norm. I’ve recently been reading The Body Keeps the Score and so far, really relate to the points about how traumatized people slip into the patterns of seeking out what is familiar. The thing is…I know how badly I am being treated, I know that I don’t want to live like this any longer. I can’t take it, but I do, and it stresses me out even more. The thing is I don’t know what the next step forward is. I mean, I do…separation. But I’m having trouble grappling with the logistics of it, the guilt of kicking someone out of my home, of possibly having to just stand by while he undoubtedly tries to drag out the process. Seems like it’s time to do some more thinking…if anyone has any ideas that would be great. I’m really unfamiliar with how to handle something like this legally as well.

    • #149107
      Confusedyetclear
      Participant

      Hi mothball ! Aw I really feel for you :(, it’s like being able to see the right path to take but it’s blocked ? It’s huge progress you are learning how you learned what love is though and you are almost going for the familiar which makes totally sense. I think we all go for what’s normal to us but it’s great you are questioning your own norm … I guess sometimes our normal is dangerous to us becuase it hurts us.
      I am on no means on the right path but I do think that having that own self love and confidence must be part of the antidote to abuse becuase if we truely though we deserved better then surely we wouldn’t keep going back and sticking with our normal? I often think I hate marmite and I know I hate marmite and how it makes me feel so I would never ever eat it becuase it makes me feel sick. Surely abusers are marmite too but it’s hard so hard. I am thinking of you and always here if you want to chat about marmite lol x*x

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