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    • #128340
      Headspin
      Participant

      Chatting to a trusted friend the other day, she knows my situation, I was interested to hear that she and her husband have a joint bank account. Not only that, they share their income, direct debits are set up and they spend the rest on what is needed and save some. Neither question each other on what’s being spent as there is complete trust. I feel that I must be on a different planet.
      This is the sort of relationship I would have hoped for many years ago, equality, trust, sharing the financial burdens. Buying something without having anxiety. Going out for a meal occasionally, or dare I say a holiday. Until recently, my husband has had complete control over every last penny that comes into the house. I was “given” money by him (despite working all my adult life) to buy the groceries. Quite often, the supermarket trolley would be inspected before going through the tills, or when I shopped alone the groceries would be scrutinised at home, anything not on the list would trigger his contempt or anger. Items would be slammed down and I would get a lecture on how to be an efficient housekeeper as I unpacked the shopping.
      Lately, because of his illness he is “allowing” me to take more control, I’m allowed to shop at my discretion, access my wages and have been given money by my daughters. I’m not to tell him about their kindness because he would just get angry and say I should be paying for this or that. They were truly shocked at how little available money I had at the end of the week. However, if I do buy myself something on line for example, he gets nasty. Anything new I tell him that our daughters bought it for me, which is true or that someone passed it onto me because it didn’t fit them.
      Money has always been an issue with him, he talks about not having enough but for a man who hardly ever worked he’s doing ok on a pension and benefits. He checks his bank account several times a day, talks about how poor he is and birthday or Christmas presents are treated like transactions, there’s a budget, choose the cheapest etc. He hates spending money, even on himself, aside from his alcohol for which there is always plenty of money. I find it all so yukky.
      He rages that my hair cut is more expensive than his, that my glasses are more expensive than his (have a stronger prescription) He has literally screamed down the phone at me when I have to report back about the price I paid for something.
      So when I discussed my phone call with my adult daughters and said isn’t my friend so lucky, my daughters assured me that my friend’s financial arrangement is “baseline” and that they (my daughters) have similar arrangements with their partners.
      I feel like such a loser.

    • #128356
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi Headspin, I can empathise. My finances were completely separate from my partner but he still totally controlled what I did with my own money, threatened me if I did not obey. He also inspected shopping receipts and would rampage around the house in a rage checking fridges, freezers and cupboards to see what I had bought. It’s a horrible way to live. I am so sorry you have gone through this.
      Although some people have joint accounts etc it’s not all. In my (long) previous non abusive relationship, we kept all finances separate, but discussed bills etc.
      I am glad you are having more control now. Its appalling that you had no access to your own wages.

    • #128418
      DinkyHorse
      Participant

      This is shocking! I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this. It’s certainly not normal.

      I recognise some things here in my own relationship so hope it’s okay to post about it.
      Although not as extreme I also avoid buying myself anything, when I have in the past I’ve had negative comments about the items..Feel like whatever I buy he won’t like it because I bought it without his input. I have a (detail removed by moderator) that I’ve never worn because I (detail removed by moderator) and he didn’t like it…
      Serious question: in a normal relationship do you have to like everything your partner wears? Should you feel like you can’t wear something you like because they don’t like it? I think that you are separate people and with that comes the fact that you’re not both going to like everything/agree on everything so sometimes you just have to accept it and let them wear their hideous top/hat etc. Right or wrong? I remember once he wasn’t talking to be and ignoring me and I didn’t know why…realised it was because he didn’t like the (detail removed by moderator) I was wearing…was a good few hours before I put it together!
      So I avoid buying anything now, and if I do I just keep it from him/pretend it was a present (bad I know). Like something I’m expecting in the post that I bought for work, something I want/need but know it’ll be met with negative comments/a lecture (detail removed by moderator).

      We have our own separate bank accounts. He doesn’t work so I buy the groceries etc. without his contribution money wise, and yet he’ll buy himself something expensive now and again and complain that he has upcoming bills to pay for (don’t buy expensive s**t you don’t need then!), I know I’ll have to transfer money to help him pay for these bills. What a mug I am. Is any of this classed as financial abuse?

      • #128530
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Hey DinkyHorse, I can relate to this regarding clothes. Mine doesn’t and has never told me what I can or cannot wear but I feel like he can say freely if he doesn’t like something of mine whereas if I did the same to him, he’d be horribly offended and sulk.
        I think in a respectful relationship you should be able to dress as you please and the other person should be ok with that xx

    • #128446
      Headspin
      Participant

      Thanks Marmot, yes it’s good to have more control of our finances now, it’s been a hard won battle. So you had shopping receipts inspected? So upsetting. It’s a similar control to having the shopping itself inspected. Plus having your own account managed and controlled by him, so humiliating. Interesting question DinkyHorse about clothes. I suppose it’s all about our attitude as to how we treat our partner when they wear something we don’t like. It’s ok to say you think they look better in a different style or you aren’t keen on an item, then get on with your day like most people do. To actually ignore someone and create an atmosphere because you aren’t fussed on your partner’s top is bullying. You mention financial abuse, I’ve been married for years, I had no idea that I was a victim of financial abuse until very recently, I just seethed inwardly at his unwillingness to buy anything that he deemed unnecessary, unless it was for him.
      I had to ask him for everything from shoes to makeup to sanitary wear. This was my life (still is to a certain extent but not as abusive).
      I’m not really sure if what your experiencing is financial abuse (someone with more experience will clarify I hope) but if he isn’t working, buying himself expensive stuff, then complaining he hasn’t money for bills and then you have to pay the bills, that’s clearly a problem.

    • #128531
      gettingtired
      Participant

      I’m in a weird financial situation with mine, I can’t go into details on the forum but it’s financial abuse from both him and his family. It’s been going on for years now when I think back.
      I look at my Mother and her husband’s set up and it’s normal; she may take his card to get shopping or she may pay for something with her own. Either way there’s no blackmail or conditions when it comes to spending. Something I can’t ever imagine in my own relationship! Even when he is being generous I’m on edge feeling guilty or waiting for when it’s going to be used against me. I’m very cautious now about what I share with him regarding my finances if I can help it xx

    • #128547
      Headspin
      Participant

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this gettingtired and even worse that the financial abuse is not just from your partner. You hit the nail on the head when you said about your mum’s finances “no blackmail or conditions when it comes to spending”.

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