This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  eliza13 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #111656
     Cheeseplant01 
    Participant

    Im not sure if what happened was abuse but its left me in a bad way.

    My ex was nice to me, kind and affectionate most of the time. If i challenged him he would shout and swear. No threats to me but sometime he would disappear, call me up and allude to never coming back etc and i would be scared he would kill himself.

    In the past he took my debit card and used it to get cash back without me knowing. He allowed me to think id been scammed before i presented evidence and he admitted it. He stole from his employer and was convicted of fraud. He would message women he worked with inappropriately, very flirty things. He used a sex chat line but denies it still even though i saw a message. He lied constantly, even small things that made no sense.

    He had an affair while my closest relative was dying of cancer. He gaslighted and talked in riddles and i thought i was crazy. I didnt no which way was up, i had a break down. I still stayed.he was awful with money and i got him out of debt more times than i recall. I paid for everything and felt guilty he had no money so would give him money. Im ashamed. He had a full time job and still no money.

    Last straw was him stealing my identity to obtain (detail removed by moderator) credit cards. I divorced him a few years ago. Im tortured by memories, i think of his affair daily. (detail removed by moderator) credit cards accept this was fraud, one has said its a civil matter and im liable. Im hounded by debt letters and threatend with court. I have dyslexia, he dealt with all paperwork.

    Im a mess and been alone since. He has a new relationship, home and car. I lost everything.

    I was trying to explain to the credit card company that i wasnt aware of the account and i could explain myself properly. I was head f****d, twisted and turned and confused constantly. Am i a fraud saying it was domestic abuse? He never hit or threatened me. Everyone thinks he’s a saint. Im left with this mess of a life and dont trust anyone including my own judgement. I work less hours because my minds so muddled, i need to work as much as i can to pay my bills but i mentally cant.

    I reported him but apparently identity fraud isn’t a recordable crime.

    Sorry for the essay i needed to get it out

     

  • #111658
     Cheeseplant01 
    Participant

    If a stranger did this to me they would accept it was fraud, but because it happened within a marriage then its ok? Its not right.

  • #111662
     Lostforever 
    Participant

    This doesn’t sound right. Speak to your local Citizens Advice.

    I got left in a lot of debt too, so I feel your pain.

  • #111865
     eliza13 
    Participant

    Hi, I read your message and it sounded SO familiar. I obviously cannot say for sure, but given my experience, it sounds like your ex husband could be a sex addict. I say this because I am married to a sex addict and have been through this. He is in recovery now – but all of the things you’ve said there – the aggression, the lying, the racking up debt, the gaslighting and making you feel like you’re crazy, the sex lines, the affair… it all sounds like absolutely classic sex addict behaviour. A lot of people think a sex addict is just “someone who enjoys sex all the time”, but it’s not that – in the same way a drug user would turn to drugs to numb their feelings or cope with stress, a sex addict uses sexual behaviour.

    I can honestly relate to all of this – if you challenge them on anything, they’ll get aggressive back and deflect the blame onto you. The flirting – I caught my husband flirting via text with his friend, he did it at work, online. The debt – my husband racked up (detail removed by moderator) on a secret credit card on sex lines, porn etc. The lies – they get so used to lying that they will lie about everything, even tiny insignificant things. The shame that they feel around their addiction is so high that they will literally do anything to take the spotlight off them – and that includes emotional abuse of their partner. The gaslighting is horrific, I remember challenging my husband when I had caught him out on something, and he would either get incredibly angry and aggressive and lay the blame on ME, shouting at me and making me feel like I was the one in the wrong, and that I was crazy for thinking he’d lied or done something bad… or he’d be a crying mess, playing the victim, and I’d feel like I had to be sorry for him. To everyone else – and even to you most of the time – they can seem like an amazing person because they will project the person they WANT to be.

    I’m not saying any of this to excuse his behaviour, but I just want you to know that you are NOT crazy, you are NOT alone, it is NOT your fault and there is nothing you could have done to change it. It is his issue. And yes, it IS abuse, it is emotional abuse and you are not crazy. Also, you may feel like your life is a mess and he now has a new relationship and home – but chances are, he is doing – and will do – exactly the same thing to his new partner. So don’t feel inferior – you can do this.

    Of course it could not be sex addiction and he could just be a total d***head!! But your message and story just rang so true for me. Either way, no you are not a fraud.

    I’m so sorry about the debt, it’s so stressful 🙁 I hope that Citizens Advice can help, or perhaps try the National Debt Helpline? I can’t believe that you are unable to report him for fraud, so rubbish.

    Hang in there, huge hugs x

     

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