Financial abuse from third party?

[gettingtired]

My partner’s family pay for his share of the rent and bills (I stupidly set up the bills in my name/bank account when we moved in) but I’m never paid back by his family for the bills on a set date. It’s usually after hundreds (sometimes even thousands) of money is owed to me. They never seem to know how much is owed to me (they’ve never asked to know how much the bills are) and instead just ask for a total owed.

Anyway, the person who pays for him has contacted me saying they must owe me again so can I let them know how much so that they can sort out how much money they have for the month. I can’t help but feel like this is a bit of a dig. For a start they have plenty more money than me and I’m always the one in arrears. Yet now they’re saying they want to know so that they can organise their finances for the month. Or am I overreacting about that comment? They’ve said they hate owing money to people.. But if that was the case why have they not set up a direct debit to me so that the money is always sent on time?

I’m always worried about asking partner for money back and try to choose the ‘right’ moment).. This is because he usually gets defensive about it or starts going on about how he hopes I’m taking into account food or something he has bought lately.

Last time I was paid back he was extremely nasty sending me abusive texts (detail removed by moderator) I am (?!) and how his family would now struggle financially (detail removed by moderator).

If he cared so much about their finances then why is he allowing them to pay for his living? He also claims (detail removed by moderator) benefits even though they’re paying his rent…. !

The problem is his family pay for a particular bill for us (I think my partner just set it up in their name/account when we first moved in together and it’s always stayed that way) but I’ve never set up a direct debit to pay them for it. I don’t see why I should when I pay multiple bills but they haven’t set up a direct debit to me…

Anyway, whenever I ask about being paid back my partner starts ranting on about how I need to work out how much I owe them for this particular bill.

I have to keep a tally of the money he owes (bills and any money he has lent) as he doesn’t keep a record and has no idea about our bills anyway.

I’m not really sure if I’m overreacting about what the third party has said with regards to paying me back. Could it be they’re financially abusing me by doing this in a way as well?

Since getting (detail removed by moderator) as well as UC money my partner buys food without demanding for half of the money more which has been quite good but I’m always waiting for it to be thrown back in my face.

I am so sick of the financial set up we have but I guess until I leave him nothing is going to change and I’d rather not ask for change as it usually results in an argument. At this point I’d rather keep the peace than live in more anxiety.

[Hawthorn]

Oh GT everything about this situation is financial abuse. From him and his family. He is contributing nothing but some food which I’m sure he eats at least half of. You are responsible for everything being paid and managing the accounts and your money so that your utilities are maintained and the internet isn’t turned off. Your credit rating in jeopardy when things go into arrears because you’re paying for two rather than one. And then you are expected to go cap in hand begging for YOUR money back? And he then abuses you for it? What a toxic lot they are.

Sorry but I’m annoyed on your behalf. Dont feel that because you haven’t left you cant complain to us here, I agree that talking to him about it wont change anything and will only result in a fight you can do without. But you need to vent about this stuff so do keep posting.

This is not your fault. None of it. This leech is bleeding you dry and taking advantage of your kindness and good nature. Do not blame yourself. These men are parasites. You wouldnt be cross with your pet for getting worms.

I wonder if you’re keeping a journal of the abuse if it might be helpful to make a list of the contributions you both make. To the household, to the relationship, to each others lives. I imagine your side of the list will be very long. What, if anything, is he bringing to the party?

Take care, you really deserve so much better than this. Big hugs xx

[gettingtired]

Thanks Hawthorn. I’m so stupidly naive I hadn’t even thought about my credit rating.
Thanks, I will try that list. I have a couple of journal entries to catch up on but I seem to struggle remembering sometimes what’s been said to me even if it literall just happened. Not good x

[KIP.]

Would it be a good opportunity for you to give this third party a list of bills and tell them it would make their balancing their money easier if they set up a monthly direct debit into your account. Use this opportunity to clarify things. You can say if there’s a monthly overpayment you will simply pay it back via a bank transfer. Use this to your advantage. Your partner sounds dreadful to let you have to do this. I’d be completely embarrassed if my partner had to ask a third party to pay my bills. He should be doing this but then he will just abuse you no matter what you do so you do what makes your life easier and for me that would be the third party setting up a monthly direct debit for you. I had to do absolutely everything round the house, bills, child care, cleaning, booking car in for service and the list goes on. It’s designed to keep us busy and exhausted while they sit back and watch and abuse x

[gettingtired]

Thanks KIP, I might suggest this. The problem is the money owed sometimes includes money he’s borrowed from me or money for alcohol he’s asked me to pick up when I’m going past a shop to save him going there. I don’t see why I should pay for his alchohol.
I agree even if the bills were all settled and set up automatically he would still find a way to be annoyed. I don’t like the fact that I feel I have to say yes to loaning him money. The way he sees it is that I’ve got it so it would be selfish of me to not loan him. He says (detail removed by moderator) ‘. But clearly doesn’t care it always takes months.
Whenever he’s in a bad mood suddenly he’s not so generous about buying food or will spitefully say how I can transfer him so much for it.
The way I see it isn’t that he uses money like this as a way to control me but more as he doesn’t value it or appreciate people having to money manage because their lifestyle isn’t funded by a third party. Maybe I’m wrong. I’ve noticed he has never been urgent about paying friends back in the past but I’m sure if they reminded him he wouldn’t get nasty/spiteful like he can do with me.
Do you think third party is being abusive as well? By not bothering to pay me back regularly. I know it should be his responsibility but seeing as they’ve decided to do it for him they’re not exactly bothered about ensuring things are paid in time etc x

[KIP.]

I know I’d want to pay my debts and not take advantage of others. So I’m not sure if it’s abusive or just rude and selfish. Work out what you pay annually and divide it by 12 and suggest they set up a standing order. Any odd things he asks you to buy I’d keep the receipt and add it to next months bill. I’m sure they can transfer the extra amount if required. If they don’t transfer it right away at least it won’t be thousands. Why doesn’t he just borrow from the third party? Can you tell him you’re saving up for something and ask him to borrow direct from this third party. Or transfer the bills into his name and his bank account and get them to pay the money into that. While the subject has come up. Get something that suits you in place and don’t be bullied. Go behind his back if you have to.

[gettingtired]

Yes I’d be very embarassed to be owing someone all the time and just sporadically sorting it out.
I think maybe he doesn’t always ask them as he may have already asked them to buy him something else or send him money so it’s a case of asking me so as not to ask them too much. That’s the impression I get sometimes anyway.
I think even if I said I’m saving up for something he would just think well I’m always paid back so what difference does it make.
I do feel uncomfortable telling the third party how much they owe me and I’d definitely feel awkward asking for change and saying I can’t afford to always be owed. I know I shouldn’t as it’s an unfair set up but I just feel awkward x

[KIP.]

You shouldn’t feel uncomfortable. You’re doing them the favour. Try to use this to build up your confidence. To take control of this situation to your advantage. If they’re giving him money too then maybe they’re not happy to have to pay you and he’s more likely to kick off than you. A nice email saying that you too would like regularly payments as you need to budget. Your partner sounds pampered to his detriment. How is he going to learn to live in the real world when his minions do everything for him. You’re not his personal accountant.

[gettingtired]

I tried to ask them to set up a direct debit and that I would do the same for them but they just said I’ve been saying that for ages but since we haven’t sorted it out then to just itemise bills and they’ll pay me. Now I’ve no idea what to do. No point getting my partner involved as he will just start up.

[KIP.]

Just be firm. Tell them or message them that the average monthly amount over the las year is £x. Give them your bank details and tell them the major bills come in on x day of the month and that would be a good day for them to transfer they money so that it doesn’t leave you in debt.

[gettingtired]

They want me to itemise what they owe me at the moment, not itemise bills to set up a direct debit. It feels awkward as years ago they accused me of being a thief to my partner. We went out and they gave him emergency cash but told me to look after it in case he lost it. I forgot about the cash in my purse and so did he. Then a few days later they asked for it back and because I didn’t apologise for not giving it back yet they told my partner how rude I was and that it was practically stealing.
So I always feel on edge like they view me as a scrounger or that I’m exaggerating the amount owed because my partner always accuses me of it being suddenly more than I said before.

[KIP.]

Your partner is a liar. He probably made that up to make you feel bad and alienate you from his family. To undermine your confidence. What age is he, six? They wanted you to keep the money in case he lost it? Buy him a money belt. All this behaviour is making you responsible for him and you’re not. Think about yourself first for a change. Take back control of your own life. Cut the strings that tie you to him slowly x

[gettingtired]

I read the messages on his phone of them calling me rude and practically a thief.
I’m tired of this financial situation but have no idea of how to get myself out of it. Other than to leave but I’m not ready yet.
They’ve said to itemise but won’t set up a direct sebit. Yet they were saying they needed to know to arrange their finances for the month. So they must have been lying or manipulating me when they said that.

[Camel]

Hi GT

The third party has spent many years bailing out your partner. So long that it’s now their normal. Their expectation that you go along with their ridiculous system of ‘claiming back’ could be seen as abusive. Or it could be that they are totally clueless and have never stopped to think about how they’re screwing with your finances. People with plenty of spare cash generally don’t know what it’s like to have to budget. They don’t worry about late fees and interest charges or scraping by in the lean days until payday.

You really don’t have to put up with any of it, just because it’s always been this way. You need to protect your finances and get everything clear before you eventually leave. The third party’s comment about needing to financially plan for the month is really a gift of an opportunity. Take it at face value and try to avoid second-guessing. Tell them you understand completely and need to plan too. Pick a date that suits you best (payday for example) and tell them you will be giving them the bill on that day every month. Don’t be shy about saying you don’t earn enough to let it mount up. Offer to give them a monthly breakdown. Assuming you can afford it, you could deduct half of the bill in their name from what you claim from them. Make sure to put this in writing (email/text) so there’s no doubt. Then there’ll be one less thing for your partner to threaten you with.

I don’t think you need to worry about your credit rating. It should be fine as long as there are no CCJs against you. Having everything in your name and paying the bills will have built up your rating. Which will be useful when you set up on your own – you’ll have no trouble setting up accounts with landlords and utilities as you have a good history. Do check that your partner hasn’t taken out cards or loans in your name though. You should be able to check this with Experian or similar. When you decide to leave, make sure that all bills are paid before you remove your name from accounts. It will be sensible to speak to customer services and explain your situation. It won’t be a new one, relationships break down all the time, and they’ll know what you need to do to transfer/close accounts. When the time comes, formally end your tenancy in writing with the landlord.

All our advice is offered with the same goal – to put you in control. You work hard, budget hard and are abused for your efforts. How unfair is that? x

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