Financial abuse is it him or me?

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi I’m wondering if this is him or me?

My income has dropped dramatically and I don’t work.

Asked hubby for money, currently he gives me nothing we each pay some bills but I pick up all the extras such as kids clothes, main food bill, kids days out anything extra.

My income has dipped as his has risen and as I don’t have access to his account didn’t realise just how much. He has for the first time taken over his accounts which I used to do once a year. Only then having information about his earnings and still no access to his account.

I’ve not been to bothered but I asked for a allowance or for him to pool some money each week now I’m less income.

He said yes but he wanted to know all my bills, he wants to do one food shop a week and set up a menu for meals each day.

I’ve lost my independent and is why I prefer an allowance as such but he is very tight with money, and feel this is not money for me but for the family.

When I’m ok for money I’ve paid bills he previously agreed to pay just because it was easier he doesn’t always respond and sometimes as we have been not speaking.

I’m really upset and asked if he trusted me, but then maybe I’m not being open as I didn’t want to go through my bills with him. I’ve not asked before and said I wouldn’t have asked unless necessary but don’t want to be treated as a child.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there CB,

It sounds like financial abuse to me. It sounds like he has the mindset “Your money is the family’s money whereas my money is my money”. He wants to see all your bills and yet he keeps his finances separate and secret, I can understand why you didn’t feel like going through all your bills with him because it’s not like he has been open with you about his income and what he spends money on. That’s not exactly the hallmark of a true partnership. It also sounds like he makes seem that he has offered to help with bills but then “forgot” so that you would be the one to pay them yourself leaving him his money and you out of pocket. I understand how it can feel easier to just pay the bills rather than ask him again. With regards to the food shop and a meal plan that does sound like a nice idea but I wonder who is then left to do the shopping, who gets to decide what is purchased, and who ends up cooking the meals? Even with the best laid menu plans, you still might need the occasional item like milk or bread. In true partnerships you help each other out, you share the burdens. It sounds like you many times have taken on the bills where he hasn’t paid his share, but now when the situation is that you do not have as much money as you used to he is wanting more control over the money in exchange for giving you some spending money. I wonder, would you then also get to go through every single bill he has had and every single thing he has spent money on while you were paying the bills? My guess is no. It sounds like this is being turned into a power game for him x

[BeautyMarked]

Hi CB, I agree with AS. It doesn’t sound like a partnership where finance is concerned which could be could be a bit of a slippery slope especially if you feel your independence is being slowly eroded. When he doesn’t respond – is he giving the silent treatment? That’s an abuse tactic, perhaps starting to test you. AS is right – these things are all about power. Abusers need to feel in control.

[Chocolatebunnie]

You’re replies have helped thank you, I’m still not fixed anything between us.

He appears to think I’m getting one over on him, taking more than I should, that’s if he agrees to helping more.

It’s been a lot of rowing and me crying as I’ve never asked for financial help from him.

He’s gone through my income and expenditures and says his if he makes an a contribution it’s the equivalent of my portion of the bills bills, so I’m assuming he thinks that’ll mean he’s paying all the bills. Actually there’s 4 kids and pets and so and so on the bills are only part of our expenses he does not contribute to this atm. plus I’m paying for the food too.

He says everything else is all covered by disability benefit and child benefit. He can’t justify contributing to the family as a whole?

Its leaving me tight for money, and feel he should pay towards clothes etc for kids?

He earns fairly good money, so he is possibly saving his excess earnings and spending some on weed too.

I’m sorry if this seems petty but it’s just another aspect in our relationship which appears not to be straight forward. Maybe it’s how I handle things I don’t know, I am defensive about money in that I like independence and to feel in control of my money. Does that sound abusive? He wants to get involved he says, but I felt that would be so he could decide if I needed help or not. He having the final say.

It’s very wearing, and I feel he wants to feel like “the man” of the home by getting some control over this.

Thanks for your support x*x

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