Financial frustration

[Alicenotichains]

Hi,

I feel like the financial abuse from my first husband will dominate my life. He prevented me from working when we were married but would not give me any money for myself or kids so we suffered. I eventually left marital home and am now privately renting and would like to buy a house but I get no child maintenance from kids Dad and now he is in jail. Before he was in jail when he had no job. When we were married he had a good job and did pay money for a while when we split but then he would stop if I did something he didn’t like. Child maintenance payments became used as a weapon. I didn’t want to pursue him through CSA as I was worried he would take it out on kids if i made him pay me and I wanted to protect them. His house is now being paid for by relatives of his but they have refused to help me in any way financially.
I work full time and get universal credit which helps. I do overtime also to boost my wages. Rents are high in my area. I feel concerned about my future. I am exhausted from working and bringing up kids on my own. I feel that I will never truly escape this financial abuse, even though i left years ago it affects me every day because I am having to carry his parental financial responsibilities. I work hard and I am proud to show my kids a positive example. It just feels so unfair because I can’t relax ever as I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

I sound like I am having a massive pity party for myself but some days I just wish I could afford to work part time or perhaps make a home my own.

[KIP.]

Try ringing Rights for Women. If he has a house and isn’t paying maintenance then perhaps you can make a claim against his property. Keep asking and looking at different ways. It took me a while and I’m still in debt because of the abuse but I’m just so glad to be away from him. The helpline may be able to suggest something too. Your home is where your kids are. The rest is just bricks and mortar x

[freedomtochoose]

I agree with KIP. About home being just bricks and mortar and home being where your kids are.
It sounds to me like you have done amazingly well and I’m sure ladies on here will confirm that.

However, I’m more than a bit concerned about you feeling like a ‘hamster on a wheel’…
Is there any way at all you could work less hours and do, for example the universal credit thing…?
I know it is complicated – but maybe it might be possible to work at home sometimes – and try a different
pattern.

Again, I will say you are doing really well having got a job and so on, however as you say I can see you want to take your food off the gas pedal sometimes with self-care etc.

Financial implications of abuse are really hard…I find myself dwelling on them sometimes but then I try to go back to simplicity and remember the emotional things are important. I had a cxxp divorce settlement which means I might get nothing for years, if ever, knowing my ex.
However I try to be content with being as organised about the finances as I can and keeping up to date with the bills if I can…and praising myself for that…

it is very different than when we left for refuge and didn’t even have carpet on the floor…and I had one dress to wear and that really was it.

ftc
x

[Alicenotichains]

Thank you, yes I will reframe my perspective on my home, it’s getting a bit delapidated I think I will feel better if I give it a lick on paint and make it look a bit nicer. You are right it is a home regardless, I just need to spend some time making it feel more special.
We are an abuse free zone and I guess that makes it 100% better then than the house that we lived in before. I am planning on working towards a promotion and then dropping a day. It won’t always be like this.

[Iwon]

I feel your pain. Mine paid for a bit but has worked the system with csa and supposedly unemployed not self employed.he left us with debt it took me 3 years to pay off. I used to hate how he plays super dad and didn’t pay a penny. He was always determined if I ended marriage he would in his words destroy me and leave is homeless and me bankrupt.

Coming to terms with the fact I am only responsible parent and actually him not paying hard as it meant he has no control over us. I went through living in a tiny one bedroom flat with nothing.

Well years on I have brought my own home. We live a peaceful content life. No abuse. My son has my partner who is a great step dad.

It struck me this week I have fallen for his rubbish again. He recently offered to contribe to his new school uniform. I said great. He then started putting rules on him paying something. Saying hi am picking on him being unreasonable. He will only pay if I give a certain amount more than him. Then bed will not give me the money directly as he doesn’t trust I will use it on our child. Then he will only contribute if he can bring him to get school uniform himself. Knowing if I do he will buy cheap rubbish and keep my contribution. Reading your post has really helped me because it helped me make a decision. It’s all about control and bullying and he will drag it out and then day he won’t pay because of something I have done wrong.

I am not taking a penny off him. Not worth it. My son knows what his dad is and there will come a day we wiĺ be looking at our kids as adults succeeding achieving great things and we will be able to look with pride and know I did that. I gave them a good life. Forget his money you sound amazing look at how far you have come. I only had one child you sound like you have more. You are a survivor. Life will get easier. You sound like your work life will change. See if there are more benefits you can claim. Good luck x

[Alicenotichains]

Yes there were always strings attached when the kids Dad paid for stuff. Or I would get insults like “Dad says he doesn’t give you money because he doesn’t trust you with it.” Or if he was to give me money for school uniform he would say he needed to go and supervise the purchase or to see the receipt. The underlying message being i am someone who can’t be trusted. Or he would pay for the kids phones and then keep confiscating them when I did something he didn’t like. Or accuse me of running up a phone bill on kids phones which was just complete nonsense
Iwon, I think as you if you don’t ask for anything it can’t be used as a vehicle for further abuse.
I just don’t mention money anymore, that frustrated him. In fact I don’t speak to him at all- the kids contact him on their own phones. I pay for everything for kids, they have their own phones and he can’t control any of it. He then told the kids that technically I should be supporting him and that I owe him spousal support, even though I have the kids full time.
You will never ever win, so it’s better to just step out of the gAme completely.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
I wanted to say how grateful I am for this thread.
I always find it amazing to hear back from other ladies about experiences.
Yes, I too fell on occasion into the trap of asking ex to pay for something for my child only to have it withdrawn a term later and have to deal with the upset of it all and impact on my child.

I am having a particularly potentially triggering day today as we are supposed to go to a wedding and
it is very similar to the type of wedding I had with my ex.

I am trying to aim for creating a new memory in place of the old one. I am trying to trust that
there will be people there to talk to and who like me. I don’t particularly do large crowds anymore and I don’t think many people understand that. Thanks for sharing
ftc
x

[Iwon]

Hi Alice your post was brill. God I thought my ex was the only crazy dad out there who uses money to hurt his kids. My ex does the buy our child something. Then he sells it and blames me saying I have lost it when our child isn’t allowed to bring stuff he buys him home! It’s all power and control. He is so bitter his life of being kept by me and losing me as his punch bag is over.

I pay for everything and I never mentio money. He will somehow use it to hurt our child. Freedom to choose really agree with your comments too. Great you are socialising. Remember 50 percent of people there are divorced. Have fun x

[Alicenotichains]

Also Freedomtochoose well done for going to a wedding. I hope you had a lovely time. Weddings can evoke mixed emotions especially for those of us who have had an initial fairytale morph into a hellish nightmare. X

[Alicenotichains]

Money is definitely the weapon that he continues to use. It’s
one of the only ways he can get to me now. I think he would probably rather die than give me financial support, even if his kids do go without in the process.
Sometimes I hear comments back from the kids, that he thinks they are looking a bit thin, or why don’t they go out on their bikes like he used to when he was a child so they aren’t getting enough exercise, or he thinks they eat a rubbish diet… and it just makes me wonder if he really can’t see the connection between his total lack of financial contribution and these areas of concern that he has identified.
…What bikes??
I guess if he was that concerned he would have realised that the kids don’t have bikes and done something about it.
I don’t think he is stupid he knows exactly what he is doing. And we keep surviving, without bikes and despite the financial siege. It must drive him mad 😀

[KIP.]

There are websites like preloved or gumtree that you can often find free bikes if you want to give it a try. These men know exactly what is going on. They simply don’t care. My ex used to get drunk and take money from our sons piggy bank where him and I saved one pound coins. It used to really upset me. That’s probably why he did it.

[Iwon]

Hi hun my ex used to steal my son’s piggy bank and clear his bank account when relatives gave him money for Xmas or his bday. He still does that now but only with his relatives and his bank account at hiscwheb he visits. My son knows when he is in front of his family opening his cards he knows he will say Thank you for the money in cards knowing his dad will rskevit off him. I am teaching my son to be a decentbhuman being and he has learned he does not want to follow in his footsteps. I won’t take his tainted money. It’s worth a million to get rid of his toxic person x

[Ayanna]

I have similar concerns but I am in a different situation. I have no kids, work, but I am ill.
I am thinking of buying a camper van to live in, because I will never be able to own a home.

[itmustbemesurely]

mine does too, if I don’t behave in a certain way I won’t get another @@@@ing penny, I am am angry sl@g, a menopausal b***h, vile, nasty. a C’nt really horrid messages. He is seeing someone else but still has control over that, threatens non payment every single month and refuses to set up a direct debit or standing order so he can keep that power…why when he is supposedly in love???

[Alicenotichains]

Oh just because they are with a new partner, they will still abuse you at every opportunity and what better way to make a mother suffer than to withdraw or threaten to withdraw financial support. Perhaps get child maintenance options or whatever they are called now to enforce his payments. He shoulda be using them as a weapon.
If he is sending you abusive texts just ignore them. Don’t engage with him if he is trying to provoke or abuse you x

[Iwon]

Hi hun you have to get an official arrangement in place. Take his power away. Mine did all this rubbish and still he would threaten to not pay it constantly. Little man get to feel big my starving there children and also scaring you.

If he has a job (not self employed go to can and they will take out at source with employer. He will keep on doing this if you don’t change the dynamic.

If he is self employed forget it. We had an order in place for payment and he never paid that even. I wasn’t scared of him anymore so I referred him back to court and he had to pay.

It don’t matter how many new gf he has. It makes him feel big to put you down and call you names and make you feel worthless.

I did it all like you at first appealing to his decency and good nature and then…… I remembered he hasn’t got a good nature. Why are you in so much contact with him. He is still using child support to abuse you. Make you beg for money for children.

I went low contact because he was too awful to deal with. I got a family member to do handover and set schedule for visitation. I used to get all the insults so I cut off phone contact. He has no right to speak to me like that.

Don t expect him to give anything easily. Find out what your rights are and go solicitors we can or whoever to enforce.

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