Financial is it abuse

[Chocolatebunnie]

I think I went in wrong, the conversation went bad, well my child suggested their dad should support us more financially

He’s angry feels got upset as if we ask he most often gives us money but I always feel awkward. He’s tight with money and is saving to buy a house.

He pays some of the bills and I pay more. My income is more or used to be now it’s less and I’m still paying more than him. We are supposed to be saving, he is.

Thing is I’m struggling and he thinks I’m loaded. He says I’ve only got to ask but I hate explaining myself to him. I suggested (detail removed by moderator) or anything they need. He thinks I’m wrong, and is upset saying we think he does nothing financially so now I’m upset and unable to get support from him.

It’s always like this around money.

My income is benefits only, my kids are autistic so I can’t work

I think I’m extra sensitive as bear my monthly. But I think I’m less tolerant and normally a push over idk 🤷‍♀️

Is this financial control.

[Bananaboat]

It doesn’t sound fair and there’s red flags. It’s not clear from your post if you live together and bills are for both of you, or if it’s just you and your kids. Is he the children’s father or a step parent? It shouldn’t matter but can factor in to mindsets. If you live together it could definitely be abuse if he’s withholding money for bills, watching you struggle to pay for things and is putting his needs above yours (is he buying the house for himself or you all). Another red flag is how when you try to talk to him about money he projects back on you – but is also saying ‘just ask for help’, dangling a carrot but not providing. If you can’t talk to him and are struggling, walking on eggshells I’d say it’s not a good place to be

[Chocolatebunnie]

We are married 4 kids 2 special needs. Buying house together

He borrows cash doesn’t pay it back always again I have to ask sometimes more than once and often it’s awkward as I say he doesn’t part with money well.

He resents that my benefits have been as much as his earnings as he had gone to work and I have stayed home.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Actually my name won’t be on deeds as I have a bad financial past although I’ve suggested we find a lender who will accept me.

So yes we are saving for a deposit so agreed I’m meant to pay the most part of living costs so he can just save as much as possible which is a great idea but I’m struggling at the moment, he has a large sum saved and can still Spend when he feels like it, I have no access to his earnings we do not have a joint account this is a long term relationship of decades together

[Chocolatebunnie]

He won’t look for a lender who will accept me.

[MayaMuffin]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,
Your situation sounds very similar to part of what I went through with my ex. When we first moved in together all bills and mortgage payments were split 50/50. However, over the years he manipulated it through lies and misleading me … so that eventually I was paying all the bills and mortgage as well as buying all the weekly shop stuff. He wasn’t paying a penny, and buying what he wanted with his money … but mocked me for struggling to afford things and said it was because I couldn’t manage my money properly. It was only when I went through the divorce and had access to the joint account statements for the first time it became clear to me what he had done. It is most definitely abuse.

Let me get this straight … you are paying all the mortgage for a house you aren’t even on the deeds for? Then he is scrounging funds off you that he doesn’t pay back, and he is saving whereas you cannot? It’s no wonder you can’t save! He is taking the pee. Don’t lend him anything else. Refuse to pay for extra things for him, make sure he gets his wallet out. You are not being silly or petty … he is taking you for a ride.

If you are not on the house deeds, then you are just loosing all the money you are paying in, and it’s all his gain. In a separation you’d have to demonstrate you’ve paid for the house all this time in order to have any sort of claim/pay out from him. That’s even if you are able to claim for a property you are not named on. Please be careful as it really sounds like he is having his cake and eating it and it’s to your detriment.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Appreciate the replies

I pay for utilities, food, kids clothes, travel, lunches, (detail removed by moderator), broadband etc

He pays rent (council) which is cheap, and council tax.

Then he pays for meals out Christmas and occasional things, treats. I don’t say when or what these are, I do have some input.

When looking to buy our home, a council home, a reduction is applied for years served as a tenant we have a substantial discount. But still deeds are expected to be in his name only.

I’m very nervous about this.

The idea is I pay for everything so he saves to get a large deposit against the house purchase. But the house is in disrepair, he’s tight with money and I feel we are living for something that might not even happen and struggling in the meantime. It’s been years since he started saving and he’s managed a very large sum, I don’t know how much and don’t see his banking. I don’t have access to his phone, not that I would snoop but he is very secretive or I feel he is, I feel shut out. He can use my phone, but again doesn’t access my banking either.

I’m not confident in our relationship anyway and there are times things are horrific between us. If we buy the house and I want to separate it’s going to be worse than it is now?

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