Financial negotiation – unsure of what to do

[CityMum]

Hello everyone,

I have used this forum a few times previously but now need further advice for another part of this never ending saga!

I am divorcing my abusive husband who I have a young child with. I am going to be free and this makes me proud and happy. However we are entering into financial negotiations via letters from our solicitors and I have just heard that he wants (detail removed by moderator)% of the sale of our home. I am living with family and have my daughter and he has remained in the home we own together, he has not offered to move out or let me collect any items for the baby. He has also installed CCTV inside the house (detail removed by moderator)

Throughout our relationship and marriage I have funded everything. I have purchased a home with inheritance for us, paid for holidays, our entire wedding/honeymoon and numerous cars for him. The only capital he has contributed is his mortgage payments (detail removed by moderator). I have paid off credit card debts for him, I have allowed him to take financial advantage and if I questioned it or said no then he would be verbally and sometimes physically abusive. Technically he is entitled to roughly (detail removed by moderator)% of the profit of the home due to his mortgage payments. (detail removed by moderator). He said that it is all 50/50 as we were married by that point, he brainwashed me into not questioning him as he got so angry whenever I raised it. He wants more from the sale and wants me to pay off what her perceives as ‘marital debt’ (detail removed by moderator). I believe that because of his behaviour and the money which I will never see again which I gave him throughout the marriage I should walk away with what is mine ((detail removed by moderator)%) and not have to pay off his debt.

I want to go back with one more negotiation stating that (detail removed by moderator)

I want what I have put into the marriage to allow me to give my daughter a safe and stable home but I feel that he is being greedy and literally making a profit from my misery. I have already lost a significant amount of money from my stupidity of treating him to things, lending him money, paying stamp duty on houses etc and now he wants more? and for me to take responsibility for (detail removed by moderator)??

Any advice would be so helpful xxxx

[KIP.]

I think you need to rely heavily on your solicitor to advise you what the law says about his and your legal entitlement. This should be your starting point. If you offer what the law says and he declines and it goes to (detail removed by moderator). You can ask the (detail removed by moderator) to award your legal costs against him because if effect he was so unreasonable. There are no guarantees. Solicitor letter come with ‘without prejudice’ which means they cannot be used (detail removed by moderator). I wasted thousands on useless solicitor letters back and forth. Eventually I took the loss just to get it over with. Gave him what he wanted. Borrowed money. But I’m free now. It was worth the hit. Only you can decide what it’s worth to get rid of him. It’s also your home too at the moment and he has no right to stop your access. You could move back in if you wanted. Have you thought about an occupation order to get him out? It’s going to take time to see the home and there’s no guarantees. Why would he want to sell when he’s sitting pretty x

[CityMum]

Thank you KIP, all very true.

I am waiting to speak to my solicitor on Tuesday but my head is just so full of conflicting thoughts. I don’t want to move back into the house as it has awful memories but I’m still paying half the mortgage each month. I’m hoping that the house will sell within a reasonable timeframe as it is a desirable location. He isn’t actually stopping me accessing the home but now I feel like he would be watching my every move if I went in to pack up some boxes. He is always coming and going too as he works from home sometimes. I want to begin to take my things and items for my daughter but I am so scared to go back, it makes me feel sick and light headed. I could get an occupation order but then I wouldn’t be near to family, unfortunately he knows all of this and it benefits him financially to not have to move out and rent.

xx

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Citymum

Sorry to hear your experiences of his abuses to you both.

It really doesn’t sound like case of you ‘allowing’ his abuses, but that he’s abused the situation and taken advantage.

Marriage though does make all possessions 50/50 afaik. Unless you have legal protections in place.

If you want to divorce then you would need to pay for serving divorce papers on him (paying coirt fees and your legal defense), but he would also need to pay for legal counsel to defend his interests.

However, i have no legal training (well not in this) and you do need to get legal advice.

All i can say is that it would seem to be worth getting a solicitor to protect your position, especially given the amount that might gain ou finacially.

He wouldn’t necessarily have to have legal defense, but the courts would over see fair play.

Have you tried contacting the Rights of Women?

Do keep posting and getting support.

Warmest wishes
TS

[KIP.]

You need his permission to sell and even if you think it will sell, he’s still in a position to stall and move the goal posts. I think your half of the mortgage payments should be going to your parents for rent and he should be paying the full amount as he’s staying there. At least offset what you are paying against your share in equity. You can get someone else to collect stuff on your behalf or take a police officer with you and collect what you need in a van. An occupation order will at least have him removed and allow you to sell the property. Who’s to say you will live there meantime. If you get an occupation order and he moves out, there’s nothing to say you couldn’t stay there because of bad memories. Try to think outside the box. Do you honestly think he will sell up while you pay half the mortgage? He could be there for years. What does your gut say? Is he likely to move out even if you gave him (detail removed by moderator)%?

[Twisted Sister]

…as its your home there is no reason you have to tolerate such intrusions. Either remove the devices used to spy on you or pay for someone tondo it and send him the bill!

Its an unreasonable intrusion of your privac ad not something you have agreed to.

Also, if you were to get an occupation order it could mean you could stay there at least whilst getting the house sold quickly?

On the basis of his abuses you could occupy it alone with your daughter?

Good luck with your plans.

Warmest wishes

TS

[Twisted Sister]

I am also wondering what your own solicitors response is to your questions, as i had thought that everything becomes marital property once you marry. So all your money, including any inheritances, paying off debts, buying cars etc.

However, you might look into how thats worksin relation to DA, whether being robbed blind through abuse is something you can have a grounding for claiming back his ill-gotten gains, the same as stolen goods or goodsgained by deception/intimidation/fraudulently?

Warmest wishes

TS

[KIP.]

Hi, my understanding is what gained before marriage doesn’t count. Depending on which country so the 50/50 comes from what’s accrued during the time of the marriage. If you feel you’ve been coerced out of money by his behaviour then perhaps a personal injury claim could run side by side. I’m not giving legal advice just putting some thoughts out there however litigation is very very expensive and you many never recoup what you have lost because of the legal fees. Also the debt accrued during marriage is usually joint so if he has an outstanding car loan, it should go in the pot along with any outstanding debt you have. Then you look at all the assets and debt. Try to split it evenly. You may be entitled to more if you have custody of the child. Surely he should be contributing to the care of his child. His car could be sold to pay off the car loan and he could get a cheaper one etc. All this negotiation with an abuser is impossible because they feel entitled to everything. My ex tried to make me and our son homeless. They simply don’t care. It’s all about them.

[J@jmum]

60/40 is what most solicitors suggest for a financial split between a married couple with children (assuming child will live with you). This is YOUR starting point, ignore his!
Remember when anyone starts “negotiations”.
People always start high, which what he probably done. 50/50 is more when no kids involved. Just as guide, never set in stone ruling.
As for funds you had pre married or was yours- if you can prove that then I believe regardless of fact you’re married it could count and a court would consider it that way.
Anything within marriage is split based on agreed % in divorce unless he agreed otherwise. Remember not just about the house, it’s viewed from all round financial position and comparison. Who earns more and able to work more, new partners if any, kids costs and benefits income, assets. Loads stuff.
Technically he can’t prevent you accessing house- you can give 48hrs notice and by law be able to access it. You can legally break your own door down even as your property to do as you wish. You are legally required to be paying mortgage- sucks a bit but if your names on mortgage then you should be paying it, don’t mean have to and yes you have living costs of your own and he living there etc so unfair. If your with family have a documented rent charge etc and pay it via bank so proof, more “expenses” you can show the better for your financial position view on divorce.
I’m mid divorce, if I stated detail it get taken off but my ex is abusive and unreasonable, hid money and lied and his suggested split was stupid, I got better than the average 60/40 by second letter! Just got to get it right, know your rights and show him he got no choice.
If don’t work then let court decide. I did this with no solicitor too

[Rubyslippers]

just been through divorce. in similar situation. cost me twice the money to reach settlement as he didnt show (detail removed by moderator), nor submitted papers on time, but this had NO bearing on settlement (detail removed by moderator). if u have been married a long time historical financial stuff doesnt seem to interest (detail removed by moderator). its based on the here and now and who has main care of any children. my ex remained in our house, wouldnt let me have anything I hadnt taken (which was only personal stuff) changed the locks and I was told I couldnt enter without his permission, so hes kept it all. i looked at occupational orders but you have to prove significant reasons and abuse to even applyfor one, so i was advised this wasnt really an option, and they only last a certain amount of time before you have to reapply.
i got (detail removed by moderator) as have more contact. (detail removed by moderator) do not enforce any penalties in my view on non compliance or manipulative behaviour (detail removed by moderator), and allowed me to be bullied (detail removed by moderator). This seems to be the norm as had friends go through similar too.
my advice would be prepare for 50/50 and be thankful if u (detail removed by moderator) who does see through it personally and can then help negotiate a 60/40/higher % as a fair settlement in your favour. 60/40 does seem to be more the norm if children involved. the real gain is being free from the abuser. good luck and stay strong x

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