Financial obstacles.

[Bingo-bongo]

After years of financial abuse from the current, and previous “poor choice” relationships, my credit is shattered, I’m in debt by a massive (to me) amount and blocked for leaving /getting a new house and thus fresh life.
Just feel so trapped in this financial web that I’ve allowed to be spun around me over the last few relationships. I have one ex stalking me, one ex is the main contributor to my debt and credit situation (all in my name of course) and the current shows zero signs of actual changed behaviour.
I feel so absolutely stupid that I’ve allowed this to become my reality just out of naivety, just because i wanted to believe that i hadn’t made the same bad choice of relationships over and over.
I feel like a prize dummy and now I’m trapped in it.

[freedomtochoose]

I’m sorry to hear this. Try not to feel like a ‘dummy’ – it is well known (although we sometimes blame ourselves and we shouldn’t) that there is often financial abuse tied to other kinds of abuse.

Looking back I would never have shared a joint bank account and it took me years to rebuild credit rating. But it can be done, slowly.

My advice at this point is and feel free to reject it, I won’t be offended.

1. check out the turn to us website, there may be a charity on there that you can turn to (check the database).

2. Obviously check through all the benfits you are entitled to (same website or CAB).

3. Extracate yourself slowly, and day by day. Make a budget, get some help doing it if you have to.

4. Use your resourcefulness and creativity. Trading on ebay (?)

5. Try to make a game out of money saving …(we can help each other on here…) websites like moneysavingexpert for coupons are pretty good

Above all, don’t blame yourself. It has happened to most of us on here. Most of us I am sure blamed themselves or still do. My ex always told me I was cxxp with money. I never was, and still maangae to make ends meet, but he was deceptive and lied throughout our divorce. I left with no settlement and nothing, effectively, but your life and your wellbeing and your future are worth more than anything you could ever buy with money.

all best

ftc
x

[Poodlepower]

Mine stopped working (took me a while to realise, he worked from home as a [detail removed by moderator]) and tried to get me to take on payday loans to “tide him over.” I refused in spite of the tantrums and hysterical tears from him. Money went missing from my purse regularly-he convinced me I was mistaken, and I fell for it because stealing from your partner is a terrible thing to do and I couldn’t believe he was doing it.
He finally said he was claiming benefits ( he was certainly ill enough to claim, the doc said his mental ill health made him unfit for work) so I gave him hundreds of pounds , on the promise that “it’ll be back dated, it’ll be here next week…” only next week never came. He didn’t even apply, was happy to sit back and let us start to drown in debt.
Since he’s been gone, I’ve been able to get into my daugheRs old room – I was forbidden to ever go in there by him. I found dozens of empty whisky and gin bottles.
He had taken control of the food shopping and would make me stay in th car while he took the little money I could spare to buy us food. He once had a tantrum because he had been ages and so I went to look fir him. Now I know he must have been buying booze and was afraid I’d see him doing it.
Since he’s been gone, I’ve found lots of items of value are missing. He must have sold them and kept the money from me.
These things alone would have made me leave the relationship, regardless of his control and verbal and physical abuse. He was untrustworthy on every level.

[Iwon]

Hi there I was were you are sometime ago. I blamed myself. Mine pretended he had a successful business and actually didn’t work and was a gambling addict who tried to make me take on his gambling debt in the divorce. He spent my life savings and left us homeless. I blamed myself and felt trapped in fact was trapped by finance. I stayed for a long time but realise now I should have got help and for out. I fought him in court over finances by proving the debt wasn’t joint as all spent on him. I have my own home now brought and paid for. If you need to pm me happy to chat x

[Iwantmeback]

I too worried about leaving because of being dependent on him financially. When I look at it now from the outside, I was the one with all the silly little debts, which were more than I was earning, constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul. Agreeing to take on debt cos I believed him when he said he’d make the payments into my account and yes the debts were in my name with my bank details.
Now I have a few thousand to my name and will keep on saving. I do still have debts but I can manage them now, without giving him everything I had. I used money matters, run by my local council, to help me initially.
I’ve left him, I have the debts under control, I am proud of what I have achieved.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[fizzylem]

Stepchange is another good charity offering help for debts; so glad I called them, they changed my life. These companies cant force you to pay repayments you cant afford and keep stacking on the interest. The law is on your side here. Stepchange can contact them for you and you pay Stepchange, there is no fee at all for this service.

Then once the money you get is your own again you might be able to save a bit; you could get your name down for social housing, if you get some support with this through the local womens aid they could help you get priority due to the domestic abuse and may even be able to help with some of the bills; you googled housing associations? Might be an option. Think you need to discuss this with the helpline, you are trapped due to finances and because of your low credit rating, which is a very real issue and this leaves you vulnerable and at risk doesnt it – makes me think there will be help available of some kind x

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