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    • #90500
      hellohello
      Participant

      Hi, I am posting here I guess just to work out my thoughts. I am coming to terms with not being able to help or change my partner and am in counseling to work out what I want for myself. Only recently have I thought that his behaviour is actually emotionally abusive and I am drained by it. this has been highlighted because i now have a baby and my attention isnt fully on him.
      He is a functioning alcoholic and I don’t know who’s coming home to me every evening. He has denied the issue for years but now admits he drinks daily to let go of all the difficulties in his day and also has an eating disorder. This leads to arguments where i am told he will change but i need to also change because its a team effort.
      when i’ve asked what i should do to change I have been told i need to work more so he can be at home (i’m the higher earner so can reduce my hours to be with baby and still contribute more into the house than him), think about moving to be nearer his job (im worried this will leave me isolated from my small social circle) and criticised financial decisions ive made before meeting him.
      the argument always ends with him walking away only to return in a few minutes and ask me what is wrong- why am i upset etc. he will then carry on as normal and i am expected to have a nice evening/day/weekend until it comes up again. i cant go into details as may identify myself but he has admitted to trying to catch me out with things, making me doubt myself. he has also walked away with the baby because i wasnt talking to him which he admitted was out of spite.
      i obviously dont trust him at all anymore and i have told him that how can i when he lies to me all the time. the problem is at the moment he is being lovely and helping me loads, but i cant stop thinking about the things he has said over the last few months. i feel i know what i need to do but i am so upset at losing my family life and home.

    • #90521
      Cecile
      Participant

      If he has involved the baby in any form of abuse to you, even ‘just’ emotional, this is a big red flag. (Walking away with your baby to be spiteful is harm, and also indicates a signifanct lack of empathy on his part to the child).The baby will be at continued potential risk of harm, no matter how much you think you can protect him/her. Please do not minimise the significance of this. The second point I need to make is that you MUST put yourself first and realise the importance of your emotional and psychological welfare to YOUR survival as well as that of your child.
      The cost to you of this behaviour by your partner will far outweigh the loss of the structures that you fear for. Also, if you leave with your child you are still a family but you will be in control of the behaviours and welfare of the family members, including yourself.

    • #90565
      Camel
      Participant

      Hello HH

      It’s good that you’ve realised that you can’t change him. Indeed, when you have brought up change he throws the responsibility to do all the changing on you. Please don’t compromise the little bit of support and freedom you have now in the fruitless pursuit of making him happy. It is saddening when you realise you must walk away but relationships don’t have to be this hard.

      Don’t be confused that right now he’s being lovely and helping you loads. He should be lovely most of the time, not just when it suits him. It’s sad but we must accept that the ‘nice’ bits are a part of the cycle of abuse. Being nice makes you think there’s hope. Being nice makes you doubt yourself.

      You sound immensely resourceful and strong. Without his crazy-making filling your days you’ll be free to create a happy and contented life, just you and your baby.

      Wishing you luck x

    • #90591
      Hetty
      Participant

      I lived with an alcoholic. It’s horrendous. The sickly sweet smell of alcohol, waking in the night to find him still downstairs drinking, seeing him walk up the drive with his carrier bag from the off licence. From what you’ve said your partner is likely to have deep psychological problems that he must take responsibility for and seek support with. Yes relationships take both parties to work together but it sounds like what he is asking from you is too much. You’re right to feel cautious about moving away from your support network.

    • #91157
      hellohello
      Participant

      Hello everyone
      I just wanted to say thank you to you alll for taking the time to respond to my chatter. It is really helpful to hear someone acknowledge what I am saying and reassure me that the situation isn’t right. I feel a big hurdle ahead but know that I can be happier than this.

    • #91203
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi HH, once I got that he’s not my responsibility that helped me enormously. We’re brought up as young girls to put our needs to the background, that we are responsibly for everyone’s welfare bar our own cos that makes us selfish doesn’t it! Don’t beat yourself up, journal how you’re feeling, if you have contact you’ll see his games so much clearer. I tell myself the means justify the end. I no longer feel any love towards him and that is massive. I care about him,( but not enough to return to him ) as I would any other human being in pain. I know he doesn’t deserve it, that I should jyst cut all ties, but I will, sooner than he realises.
      Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

    • #91210
      hellohello
      Participant

      Hi yes you are so right- he isn’t my responsibility and I don’t want to feel like i have to fix him anymore. I feel less and less upset and more angry and determined to get through this and make a nicer environment for my baby. It’s sickening to hear him describe his life as horrendous and i feel utterly drained having to listen to the self loathing and that things will change, i’ll see. I no longer feel anxious about what things will change, what i will need to change about myself because the problems are all his. I am fed up of being lied to about how much he’s had to drink and the constant paranoia of wondering where he is in the house and what mood he’s in. I really hope he is ok. I so care for him, but as the baby of my child only- i want her to have contact with her dad. I dont have the energy to continue as his wife. I am pleased you have found a happier place 🙂

    • #91212
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      You hit the nail on the head, you just don’t have the energy anymore. He’ll still abuse you through contact with your child sadly. It’s horrendous being tired to these men for whatever reason. Keep posting sweetheart, knowledge is power, you are us, we are you. Try and see what he says to you as how he is feeling about himself, look up going ‘greyrock’, it helps when no contact isn’t an immediate option.
      Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

    • #92338
      hellohello
      Participant

      The greyrock was a fascinating read. It also led me to some other pages on (detail removed by moderator) which I found so relatable. The counselling I was partaking in has had to cease because I answered yes to some of the domestic abuse questions and their policy is to not get involved in that. That’s made me feel a bit frustrated as it shuts me out. I found it useful to just chat through things and use it as a way for me to reflect on what I wanted for the future. I’m trying to decide if I have the strength to take the plunge before Christmas. I would be interested peoples experiences of actually ending the relationship in my sort of situation. Not sure how things will turn. I feel he is waiting for me to say it’s over.

    • #92341
      KIP.
      Participant

      You don’t tell him it’s over. That’s the most dangerous thing you can do. You get yourself out and safe, then you can end things. Work with women’s aid on a safe exit plan. Get all your ducks in a row. He will never be reasonable so don’t allow him the chance to take back control. Find a counsellor that’s trained in domestic abuse. Again don’t tell him x

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