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I’ve been completing the choices course that ran by Women’s Aid and I’ve found it extremely validating and also an eye opener into the abuse I’ve endured.
What I find hard to “label” is an incident that I had happen to me, and I feel maybe with a “label” it may start the process of understanding, healing and moving forward.We had discussed about having another child. He was very keen, but due to (detail removed by Moderator), I stated that I didn’t want any more.
We weren’t “safe” when having sex (because he didnt want to use a condom, but I suppose I never went to get the pill etc) however we used the pull out method. There was never an issue with this method (although clearly not a safe method for not getting pregnant.
We had a discussion again about having another, to which my reply was the same, no.
We had sex and he didn’t pull out, didn’t tell me to get off, didn’t say a word. I of course, couldn’t quite believe what had happened, and after talking to a few close friends (detail removed by Moderator) they said speak to him.
He of course gave some excuse of (detail removed by Moderator) to which I tore down, and he continued to gaslight me.
I now have a beautiful baby out of this event, and wouldnt have it any other way.
My issue is, I consented to sex, just not the ending.
How do I categorise this? -
I am definitely not an authority on this but I remember listening to @lalalaletmeexplain podcast on sexual assault. I think it probably counts as ‘stealthing’. (detail removed by Moderator)
Aside from the technicalities I’m so sorry you went through that. There’s something really really difficult about someone messing with your sexual autonomy while playing the whole thing down and disregarding your physical health. I’ve dealt with that feeling a bit and it really made me disengage from my own self preservation. Not that I felt poor me at all, it just stopped feeling important. Just wanted to say what you’ve described sounds cruel at best. I’m glad something beautiful came from it and completely identify with a sense of confusion about how to think about it later. I hope you find some clarity x
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Hi Pris, thank you for your reply. I think now things are settling down its starting to hit me the enormity of whats happened, but I’m so thankful that I have my baby as they changed my life. I don’t see the assault or their father in them, so thats a blessing.
I really do appreciate your reply and I will have a listen to that podcast!x -
I find this hard too.
I often tell him no and he says tough and carries on and i let him becuase the fall out would be much worse. A few times eapecially when drunk hes rough and i ask him to stop and he doesnt he just smiles but i again just lay there. I often say i dont want it but if you do then fine and again he does. Where does that line start and end?
Ive been raped ive been held down and raped not by him and i believe i was drugged but i was unable to say no then and for years i thought id consented but i didnt and now i see that as rape.
Its such a tough question to answer sweetie isnt it? I really dont have any answers but I think its amazing that you are trying to woek this out seaking help and answers you are amazing and I hope you find the answers you arw looking for to help you heal. Best of luck xxxxxx -
Thank you for your reply nbumblebee. Unfortunately preparing for court has taken me away from general life! Hence the late reply.
I’m really sorry that you have (and by the sounds of it continue) to go through this. Its so horrible to think that we are conditioned in a society to think that its ok to ignore someones wishes and pleas to stop, and that its just something that happens in some relationships (and outside of them too!)
Thank you. Keep safe xxxx -
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