This topic contains 21 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Calm and happy 1 month ago.

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  • #113915
     Calm and happy 
    Participant

    I am in the process of going through divorce but really struggling with the constant abuse and horrible behaviour from my husband. I know there is an end in sight but with a potential lockdown and worries about money, I don’t know how I am going to get through the next few months. I am also looking for a job at the moment. I am really struggling with anxiety. I m on anti-depressants, having Women’s Aid counselling and have a great network of family and friends, but still finding everything so hard. I don’t know why I can’t cope in a day to day basis. I have two teenage children who are very supportive but I feel like I am letting them down. My daughter goes back to uni soon and I am going to really miss her.

  • #113930
     Hazydayz 
    Participant

    Hello Calm & happy. If your new here? Welcome! I don’t think I’ve seen you post here before but then there’s so many posting here now. I understand about anxiety! I suffer from it too! I think it’s likely we all do here. It’s the legacy that we’re left with from all we have been through. I’m sorry to read your going through it still though soon it will be over hopefully? When the divorce is finalized. I went through same nasty divorcing, years ago when my children were very young and had to face years of contact after that due to access rights. I won’t pretend it was easy! But at least I had my freedom in-between those times so made the best of… didn’t have to live with or see him. Your having teenage children is a help to you hopefully in that situation. They could more or less arrange their own contact with him couldn’t they? If they want it? Glad to read, they are supportive of you and that you have lots of Support. That will be an advantage to you, that some of us here didn’t or don’t have. Missing your children, aah…thats something a lot of us can relate to! Some have lost theirs sadly. Moving on…I think the economic situation at the moment…let’s say…it’s unlikely to make life easy for any of us and it’s a fact we have to face. We are living in global chaos! arn’t we right now, and who knows what will happen next? Covid is likely to cause unexpected or expected lockdowns that are inevitably going to affect all our lives. We can’t predict the future, but must take one day at a time. Try to remain positive and understand that things will be what they will be. I think that you naturally have been left affected by all that you have been and are going through. Try not to worry, easier said than done I know! But, we are all here with similar experience and will support you and each other, best we can. Keep posting and good luck handling it all 💞

  • #113947
     Calm and happy 
    Participant

    Hi Hazydayz, yes I’m new here. Thank you for your support – it’s so kind of you to reply. I’m very lucky as I have such good support from family and friends but life can still seem so lonely, at times. I know things will eventually get better, but it just seems as if I am at the bottom of a huge mountain at the moment. One day at a time is what I’m trying to think about but my mind just keeps racing ahead with all the ‘what ifs’.

    • #113950
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      Hi again Calm and Happy, nice to see you here again. Yes, Even with lots of Support, what your going through,It’s difficult, I know and understand. Don’t expect too much of yourself, it’s a difficult time your going through. And people around you don’t always see how bad it feels do they. But you just keep posting here if you need to talk, we will always understand and try to support you. Have a nice day in the sunshine if you can, try and relax a while. Take care and look after yourself 💞 Hazydayz x

  • #113955
     Calm and happy 
    Participant

    Thank you. It’s lovely to read your kind words. Being kind is so important and I need to remember there are lots of lovely people. It’s too easy to blame myself for everything even though I know I am not the problem.

    • #113959
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      Your welcome! It takes time to let go and for us to heal. How much time? Is the question we all want the answer to! Allow yourself time to recover with support, then try to move forward with your life. Remember, blaming yourself? It’s a guilt trip you don’t need and likely a result of what was said to you to make you feel like the wrong doer. So many of us have been there! Lots of lovely women here, just like you💞

  • #113969
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    Hi @Calm and Happy and welcome to the forum lovely to meet you, Sorry to hear about your situation, I’m in a similar situation in that I’m married and have sought legal advice so have a solicitor on standby im on the verge of filing for divorce, I dont have children with him. I have broached the subject of not being happy, divorce and tried talking tidy as adults about the idea of buying out or selling etc, its like talking to a brick wall, he either pretends I havent said anything or the next day will be verbally abusive, tell me I’m kicking him out which im not, will make me a bag of nerves so then I usually just think whats the point but this weekend has been particularly horrible and I van kind of feel an inner strength in me and feel I may contact the solicitor tommorow to proceed.

    This lockdown has made it awfully difficult for everyone and I know how you feel, im the kind of person who likes talking face to face so I found it very strange talking over the phone to the solicitor and just wanted to see her but know that its not possible. Im trying to take baby steps and not look too far ahead, try to think in the here and now, I know its easier said than done but it will keep you focused. Just think that it won’t go on forever and you’ve made the right step! Your extremely brave and I hope I can find your strength to start divorce proceedings
    Can I ask a question if you don’t mind of course? Are you still living under the same roof? The only reason I ask is I will have to and just wanted to know how you feel about this? I’m dreading it but know it needs to be done as I can’t carry on like this.

  • #113971
     Calm and happy 
    Participant

    Hi, we are living under the same roof and it’s hard. But it’s been hard for such a long time. I know at least there will be an end to it at some point, now I’ve taken action and the divorce is proceeding. In the end it was my only option – I keep waiting for him to change and finally realised that I was the only one prepared to make a change by starting divorce proceedings. He thought I would never be strong enough. But enough was enough and I realised if I wanted to have a happy future with my children I had to act. It’s been really hard and I’m anxious most of the time but at least there is light at the end of the tunnel now. You will know when the time is right for you to act – we all deserve a calm and happy life – as I keep telling my teenagers.

  • #113980
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Calm and happy,

    Just to say thank you for posting and welcome to the forum! It is great to see you have already had replies to your post so I hope you continue to find the forum a supportive place to be.

    If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

    Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

    Best wishes,

    Lisa
    Forum Moderator

  • #113987
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    Hi!
    I know its going to be so hard but like you say we can keep waiting for them to change but it just won’t happen. I think he also thinks I’m not strong enough to do it but he will have a shock. I know that the time will come and I will make the right choice then I will see light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to say well done to you!I know its not over yet and you may have a long road ahead I hope that you dont but well done on doing it and making that change, you’ve stirred something in me with your courage! Please keep us updated xx

    • #113989
       Calm and happy 
      Participant

      @Beautiful day, thank you for your kind words. It has taken me years to get to this point and I can’t even remember when the abuse really started. But once I started Women’s Aid counselling and had seen a solicitor it was obvious to me that I really had no choice but to start a divorce. It was, and still is, making me unwell but I know now that it won’t be like this for ever and that is empowering. I feel like I have lost myself over the last few years but I am determined to find that person that I once was, again. You will find the strength to do what is best for you – I hope this helps you on your journey.

  • #113988
     Calm and happy 
    Participant

    Hi Lisa, thank you for your message. I am very lucky as I’ve had amazing support from Women’s Aid and counselling from the beginning of the year. The advice, support and information I have been given has been invaluable. I recommend anyone in a similar situation to access the services Women’s Aid offer – talking to someone who really ‘gets it’ has been so helpful. I’m going in the right direction of my journey now and feel so relieved that I’ve made the decision to build a better life for myself and for my children. I couldn’t let them continue to witness me being treated in an abusive way – they needed to know that it was so wrong and not how a relationship is supposed to be. I am having more down days than good ones at the moment. But at some point that will change and life will get better. I try to look for good moments in every day and make the most of them.

    • #114017
       Hazydayz 
      Participant

      Morning Calm and Happy. I’m so sorry! I just read your still living with your soon to be ex husband? That has to be so difficult! I guess I didn’t realise that when I first replied to you. I have to say…your so brave! I could’t imagine living with my husband whilst divorcing? It wasn’t my experience with my previous divorce years ago either. Can I ask you? How does that work? Or is it a case of? it has to? Because the marriage…it doesn’t work and no one had/has anywhere else to move to? Is that why you have to go through divorcing like this? I’m concerned for you, wondering if you are protected by the law in any certain way from his abuse now your officially seperated I presume? and divorcing whilst under the same roof. Or once your divorced will you have greater rights of protection? I hope so. Take care my lovely, keep your face to the sun💞

  • #114203
     Camel 
    Participant

    Hi Calm and Happy

    Hazydayz makes a very good point. Do you have to continue living under the same roof until the divorce is finalised?

    I just did a quick google search and found this.

    “What is an Occupation Order?
    An occupation order is issued by the family court under Part IV Family Law Act 1996 and sets out who has the right to stay at the family home, who can return and who should be excluded. An order does not change the financial ownership of a property.”

    I’m really no expert – Can you talk over your options with your divorce lawyer? I can’t imagine how awful it must be for you right now.

  • #114204
     Camel 
    Participant

    And I found this…

    You can get a divorce if you are cohabiting in the same house, but you’ll need to show the court that you have maintained separate lives during that period. … Similarly, you cannot bring a divorce based on unreasonable behaviour if the last incident was more than 6 months old and you have continued living together.

    Don’t know if it’s relevant. It sounds like a minefield.

  • #114248
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    @camel

    When I file for divorce I too will be living under the same roof, for some its the only option sadly:(

    (detail removed by moderator)

    He will not budge, (detail removed by moderator) said why should I leave my house? So I know he’s going to be very difficult.

    Since I mentioned divorce hes now on best behaviour so I can’t call police to get him removed , for some we just have to stick it out and stay under the same roof. I would go to a refuge but I don’t want to as there are women in very dangerous physical situations and I wouldn’t want to take up a space when I feel at the moment my situation is not dangerous. Its a very tricky horrible situation

  • #114253
     Camel 
    Participant

    Hi Beautifulday

    Thanks for explaining, there’s heaps of stuff I have no experience of. I did read something about having to establish separate lives whilst living under the same roof. I suppose that includes things like cooking, shopping, laundry. Separate beds. Not having to say where each of you is going. God knows how it works in practice.

  • #114256
     Tickleribber 
    Participant

    Hi Everyone

    This is my situation right now, I have had my own bed/room for a good while now, no physical contact, and he hasn’t often told me where he’s going out to for a really long time.
    I do have my own life and interests, and try to avoid discussions with him about where I am.
    Also he rarely eats anything I cook these days, I think that’s just a spiteful tactic to make me feel stupid for having bothered, so I just freeze the rest of the dish in portions for myself to eat another day.

    He’s on his best behaviour also, since the whole COVID situation exploded earlier this year, before that he was threatening and awful. So unlikely I’d get an Occupation Order.
    (detail removed by moderator)

    I really wish I could get a divorce but truthfully I’d be looking over my shoulder the whole time, and living in a bad neighbourhood, which has its own problems.

    No contact isn’t possible as I want to see grandchildren and keep my job, so he’d know where to find me.
    He does have a long standing woman “friend” if he’d go off with her then that would be so much easier.
    Actually I have really good time with my own friends and interests some days, fortunately he’s never stopped me going out as I’ve always been expected to work.

    (detail removed by moderator)

  • #114262
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    @camel
    I think that applies to couples who wish to separate but still live under the same roof, they then have to prove they are living separately such as buying own food, own room etc. In my case I dont want a separation its straight divorce , so I dont have to prove I’m separated from him we just basically in the home until divorce finalised.(detail removed by moderator) Some couples who get along well decide to separate and live together as its cheaper or they don’t mind it. I could never do it.

  • #114263
     Beautifulday 
    Participant

    @tickleribber
    I thought about just separating but then I thought no because I dont want to be tied to him in any way I want to completely get from him. When you are just “seperated” there is no financial cut off you are still in effect married. I dont want this, hes an abuser and I want to be from him. (detail removed by moderator)

  • #114306
     Camel 
    Participant

    @Beautifuldays

    Thanks again 🙂 I’m so grateful I didn’t buy a property with my ex! We looked at a lot of properties but true to form (thankfully) he turned that into a drama and something to beat me with emotionally. I do realise I was so lucky to be able to cut ties so cleanly.

  • #114321
     Calm and happy 
    Participant

    I am still living with my husband even though the divorce process is underway. It’s really hard but he won’t leave and I can’t put my children through the stress of leaving. I know there is an end in sight and it won’t be like this for ever. It’s been bad for so long that I have learnt to live with it. But now I know I don’t have to live with it for ever – I keep thinking of where I will be in a year’s time and that is what keeps me going. I cry every day and feel very anxious but it won’t last for ever and we will have our calm and happy life – what everyone deserves.

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