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    • #13996
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I’m finding it almost impossible. I keep thinking of all the things i could’ve done differently… I miss him so so much, I can’t help wondering what he’s doing, who he’s with. And I wish more than anything that he’d come round and say he was sorry. He did in the past a few times… But the last two times I begged him to come home. I just don’t know what to do.. I feel so empty without him, all I want to do is call him and beg him to come home but it won’t do any good and even when I have done that it the past it just hasn’t felt rite… Like I’m bottling up my feelings about things… Like I feel deep down that he’s wrong, but I’m so desperate to mend things I try to push it to the back of my mind. But I can never keep it there and in the end (even when I’m trying so hard not to show it) resentment and frustration seems to come out. I wish I could’ve just accepted everything because if I could’ve he’d be here still

    • #13997
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s trauma bonding. It’s not you. As humans we crave what is normal to us. Even if it’s violent and dysfunctional. It’s this ‘normal’ that you are craving. It’s like a drug addiction. You know it’s bad for you, you know it may eventually kill you but you crave it all the same. These feelings get easier the longer you stay no contact. Try telling yourself it’s just 24 hours. Just to get you through today. Do the same tomorrow. Remove all phone numbers, email addresses etc so that it makes it even easier to stay no contact. I made the mistake of giving in and i gave him all the power back and I felt humiliated, and emotionally drained. And boy did he love it. Got a real kick out of it. Abusers just want to get close enough to us to slap us again. I picked myself back up and am doing well now. There is a very big light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a very hard journey but worth every step. He has shown you his true colours. Believe him…… Is there something you can do to take your mind off him as much as possible. I know it sounds crazy but I would rearrange my wardrobe or do house work. Just to keep me occupied. You need to believe in yourself that you are responsible for your own happiness, not him x

      • #14034
        betterdays
        Participant

        What fantastic feed back kip this has really helped me too I’ve too been dying to contact mine today but thought once u press that button all your hard works been for nothing thanks for this x

    • #13999
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I keep hoping he will get in contact… There’s no reason why he can’t. Ok so I blocked his number and deleted my email account but he knows where I live… He has a new phone with a new number that I don’t know so he could contact me on that but he hasn’t. I know everyone thinks I should stay away from him and I am but I don’t want him to stay away from me. I keep thinking ‘I’ll just send one email, or I’ll try and call him..I’ve managed to resist to know but it’s so hard

      • #14000
        Starmoon
        Participant

        Thank you for your reply. I’ve given in so many times and contacted him and then I hate myself for it because he doesn’t respond in the way I need xx

      • #14023
        godschild
        Participant

        Starmoon, I fully understand your feelings, as you know I have disabilites and cannot leave or go no contact but I am resisting him whilst being with him, ive been in the cycle of him being nicer and then off again for decades and I am not taking it anymore, I have cut emoitonally and he knows it yet I yearn for him to change and treat me properly.
        Many times I want a hug and feel I need him so much,last night I could not sleep , he is in a seperaste room and my heart was pounding, I felt such anxiety and just wanted to go to him and tell him and be comforted but I know I would not have got nay comfort , he can be so hardhearted towardsme. It would have been “what are you telling me” for and I would then have got more desperate.
        So I am resisting with everything I have inside me , these feelings of wanting closeness and hugs, it is amkiing me very anxious doing it but each time im glad I do as the next day he is horrible again, he keeps trying in everyway to go back to how it has been and im resisting it every single day and its hard, I feel so lonley but I cant and wont give in and go back to that cycle, try to resit and stay strong, its so hard when yo yearn for that affection an kindeness, it awful but necessary xx

    • #14004
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I’m so paranoid too… Thinking pathetic thoughts… Maybe all a long he had a second phone and just hid it from me. I feel sick. Nothing makes sense any more

      • #14007
        Starmoon
        Participant

        We are too kind! You care for him and don’t want him to feel any of what you’ve felt. I can relate to that. In the past on the few occasions he’s come back to me (way in the past). He would cry and talk about how alone he was… I would hate to see him that way, I would resolve to make everything ok again and be sorry I ever doubted him. But when I’m crying… Where is he?

    • #14006
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please please do not send it. Your mum is wrong. Many people have mental health problems and violent up bringings. They do not all go on to abuse their partners. Your ex is an abuser and he chooses to abuse you! I used to make all sorts of excuses for my ex. Like he had anger management problems. Until WA pointed out, how come he only has anger management problems with you, in private when the door is shut! Then I said he had alcohol problems, they said, well lots of men drink, they do not abuse their partners. Then I said, well he has a stressful job, they said, well does he abuse his boss! No it’s domestic abuse and it’s aimed at you. Do not pity these men. They have not one ounce of pity for us. Stay strong and stay no contact.

    • #14011
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I agree, don’t send it! So much easier said than done. I’m here desperate for a reason to talk to him. If someone said to me the reason he was so horrible was because of something that happened to him as a child I’d latch on to it like a leach and want to ‘save’ him, help him and make it all ok again. I just hope do much that we all find strength somehow.
      I need to get threw today, as you said- it’s only 24 hours. He he went 24, 48 and often 72 hours without taking to me as punishment in the past after I’d ‘Done something to upset/annoy/anger him’. On one occasion he stayed in a hotel and used my card to pay for it. And afterwards I was the one saying sorry and begging his forgiveness… The reason for him leaving then was because (with a (detail removed by moderator age baby) I got in a huff with him when he shouted at our eldest daughter for not liking the noodles he’d made her. (They were curry flavor and I knew full well she’d hate them)

    • #14016
      KIP.
      Participant

      Your mum has your best interests at heart and is trying to ease your burden. I’ve been exactly where you are on your journey but as they behave more and more shockingly I’m afraid that place in your heart dissapears. I still have happy memories but the man in those memories wore a mask. The real man I married was a monster. But it’s not my shame. Don’t make the mistake of giving them your pity or they will use it against you. That was the bitterest pill for me that a man I loved and thought loved me in return would deliberately abuse me and try to destroy me. Even had me falsely detained by the police. It’s such a relief to get to a stage where I have no feelings for him. I just want him out my life. Easier said than done. Hang in there ladies. There will come a day when you will wonder what you ever saw in him ❀️

    • #14020
      Eve1
      Participant

      On the abuse and relation ships website there is a section on Trauma Bonding, Someone mentioned it on here and I found it one of the best and most thorough descriptions. It’s helped me. Sorry, I don’t know how to put a link on.

      Look after yourself
      Love
      Eve
      x

    • #14036
      Serenity
      Participant

      Don’t send it. Why? Because you doing so will make him feel powerful. And abusers abuse power, they don’t use it in the right way. Once you get close, they slap you again. These people are toxic. Where there is a vacuum, where they left, fill it with things for you. Things you never felt entitled to. Things you were told you weren’t allowed. You are entitled. This is your life- you can do whatever you choose, climb a mountain, eat lobster, swim the Channel- we don’t need these blood suckers who steal our energy and who
      believe that our only purpose in life is to make them feel better about themselves.

      • #14038
        betterdays
        Participant

        You are right serenity I’ve been tempted today to text but once I send it I know I’m square one again which I know now I will kick myself glad there’s great people on this web site x

    • #14042
      Serenity
      Participant

      That’s a good point, Healthy Archive:

      We often find ourselves feeling sorry for these abusers, but by putting up with their treatment, we are enabling them to continue as abusers. Were not helping them learn a lesson or get themselves together.

    • #14047
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Your ex sounds just like mine. So sure of himself and acts like he is entitled to everything. But he hates rejection and always has to be top dog. And if he wasn’t then it’s hell to pay… Narcissism I guess!
      I have managed so far not to speak to him or message him but as you all say- it really is like a drug. I’m additcted to him and I’m desperate to speak to him πŸ™

    • #14054
      Confused123
      Participant

      HUn

      Sending hugs out to u both, both of u remember how he hurt u and ask yourself why do i want to allow this person to hurt me, write a list of all the good things and bad things they did, fight your inner feelings, throw the ohoen away to fight your temptations, none of them need to be contacted

    • #14058
      Starmoon
      Participant

      It’s crazy making as they say. I just can’t understand why they would waste their own time as well as ours πŸ™

    • #14061
      godschild
      Participant

      People have asked me if mine is mentally ill, I l aways say the same if he were , he would be like it to other people and would not be able to control himself, its a choice because they only treat us this way.
      I really beleive that some trauma in childhood may have set this behaviour off but its still a choice to continue in denial and not get the necessary help.

    • #14062
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Such a good point godschild! He only does this to me which I guess is partly why his parents refuse to believe it’s happening.
      I only wish I was so sure my ex was bound for a destitute future. I feel horrible saying that because I’d never want anyone to be happy. But if he moves on with his life quickly and is happy it will prove it was me that was the problem all along

    • #14094
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I know what you mean… I am playing with my own head thinking ‘oh maybe he has tried to contact me’… He only has to make his number private and he could’ve phoned. And come over to my house or used his new number. Gah I’m pathetic lol.
      I hope I stay strong this time.. I mean get strong because I’m far from strong now. It’s just last time it was after two weeks of no contact that huge doubt crept in and I had a brake down. This place keeps me going. And I had a call from victim support this morning… Maybe they will help in some way, who knows

    • #14097
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Since I decided for myself that the relationship has ended I never looked back. I was forced to see him in many court hearings and I accuse this system of abuse by forcing me to see this misguided creature.
      I have never missed him. Once I went zero contact I kept to it.
      I changed my numbers. He cannot contact me.
      He has a lifelong court order to never contact me in any way.
      I never missed him. I remember him as a raping monster that tried to kill me.
      I cannot understand why he turned into this monster as my impression was that I had found my soulmate when we met.
      I do not wish to ever talk to him again.
      Should he ever try to contact me I will react with the wrath of the goddess.

    • #14099
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I’m sorry Ayanna what an horrible experience for you. I agree it is abuse having to face him. I admire your strength now. X

    • #14108
      Serenity
      Participant

      Million Pieces:

      Welcome to the forum too, and so sorry to hear about your experiences.

      I too felt sorry for my abuser. He claimed to have had an awful childhood, and his dad is a bully. He was taken away from his mother as a child, when his dad fought for custody in court, then he lived with that controlling bully of a man, who taught him everything he knew.

      But you are right, they aren’t children anymore: they have grown into grotesque monsters, and are capable of such damage.

      Mine too walked away almost laughing.

      One day you will realise how lucky you are to be away from him.

      Be careful: these abusers have a habit of coming back again. I hope you will be able to ignore his contact and work towards a life of freedom from that monster. X*x

    • #14133
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I’ve sent hundreds of emails over time to my ex… Hundreds of texts and calls on the many occasions we’ve split up. Sometimes I’ve blamed him, sometimes entirely myself and begged him to come home and other times I’ve tried to reason with him over our arguments or situations and make him see all couples have ups and downs and that he just had no tolerance… But I am simply back to wondering- was I in fact the abuser for ever laying the blame on him and calling him selfish or saying things like he had no tolerance when he left me,.. After all- abusers always pass the buck and don’t take responsibility for what they’ve done do they?! So does me putting it on him actually make me the abuser?. Totally back to square one 😒

    • #14134
      Starmoon
      Participant

      I still can’t believe I’ve heard nothing I know I’m pathetic but my resolve would’ve broken by now if I were him… I mean his lasting memory of me is going to be me pathetically begging him not to leave me, sat on the floor in floods of tears- a pathetic disgusting mess. He told me he hated me and to look at myself! I wouldn’t want to be with me looking that way. But I didn’t know what to do… I was desperate, I had lost the plot. I was pregnant and desperately didn’t want to be alone. I believe all the stress lead me to miscarry anyway.. But at the time I was in total termoil.. I didn’t want to bring another child into our train wreck relationship even if I am the cause of it being that way- I don’t know how to fix it and I was terrified at the thought of being alone with three children, two of which would’ve been less than a year apart. I know I keep going over and over this but at that time I’d have done anything in the world to be a solid unit so I could’ve been happy about the pregnancy. I hate myself that j feel my only choice was to terminate and now feel that even though I changed my mind not too- this must be my punishment. And to go threw it alone. I’m reading books desperately trying to find answers and help and even though I can now relate to an awful lot of things in other books- I feel I can also pin the detrimental behavior to myself. Which makes me hate myself all the more.

    • #14151
      Millionpieces
      Participant

      Hi serenity,
      Thank you for your replay, in Intire relationship I have been rejected all along, he always told me I’m not good enough, I’m useless, I’m stupid, we have no baby bcos he said I will never be a good mother, I’m so desperate for his attention, and love. I feel so disrespected I try to leave him many times he will ignore me to even walk out the door. Everitime we argued he said you know where’s the door if you don’t like to be with me. But once I packed my stuff he will beg me not to go.
      I bet he know exactly that how he control me, bcos in early relation he tried to control me, told me how to dress, not see any friends, every time my phone rang and the caller not in contact he will get so angry and threw and broke the phone. But I always be so strong to be my self, in early relation every time I try to move out, ran away from our place he will drag me back home, one night he beat me on the road, kick me, pull my hair and drag me back home. It was nightmare, even when I pretend to passed out to stop him beating me he shake my body so hard until I scared I will be dead that night. And I don’t want to die abused. But when I know his abusive childhood I began to feel sorry for him. He is not confident person, he don’t care even about himself. He have not much friend. And most of friend who close to him if they want to borrow money or take advantage of him. And he always fallen of prise words. If they said good things about him he will give everything to them, in short notice. I feel so bad about it, I left him (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and ran back to him bcos I feel sorry. We split up but we keep in contact and most of the time I contacted him. He begs me for couple weeks but when I said let’s take it slowly then he draw back. He knows how much I care and love him unconditionally and he take advantage. After the split up he doesn’t really abuse me physically but his verbal abuse continues and he saying bad words about me, I beg for his attention all the time, he lie about every little things, I nag, nag, and nag. I’m in desperation, and I hate to see my self that way. I lost my self, and he did it with all that rejection.

    • #14155
      Millionpieces
      Participant

      Hi starmoon,
      It’s not your fault, if you beg. I did it in my entire relation with my ex. When he cheated on me I text the girl, and she said that he told her he doesn’t love me, and he never going to marry or have future with me. After all this years I feel so heart broken. I was so angry but he said he doesn’t love her but he cheat bcos we have no future together, I started to look for a room, but then I said to him if he want to be with her and don’t want to be with me and I’m not good enough for him he should move out (we rent flat) we both come from different country, I am from (detail removed by Moderator) and he is (detail removed by Moderator). And he said he can’t leave me, he love me, and he compare me with a dog imagine if we have a dog after(detail removed by Moderator) years it’s hard to let the dog go. All this years I’m no more that a pet for him.
      After the abused we not allowed to contact him by the police, I don’t know what I do without my friends support, even after a moths I have suidical thought all the time. I have counselling every week, I don’t feel it’s enough to help my head keep thinking about him. Mostly I know he having good time with his new gf. I contacted womensaid and I finally found this forum. And it’s been so helpful to read all the story and realising how lucky I am to be out from his life. I feel so lonely, sad, missing him all the time but I realise I will get nothing but hurt if I keep wanting this relation. And all this years is more than enough.

    • #14160
      Millionpieces
      Participant

      Thank you healthyarchive,
      I do a lot of activity in the weekends and I’m still working full time in weekdays. I do travel a lot on the weekend, I have good social life, friends who willing to come with me on the weekend trips. But during weekdays I feel so lonely, I rent a room as a lodger and I spend most of the time a lone, when I get back from work, I don’t want to keep calling my friends. And moan about my problem. I think about him every night I will cry my self to sleep. Not that I still want him, but all the effort I put in the relationship, all the rejection I get how can I stayed this long to keep fighting for nothing. I feel my life is not fair. Just bcos I care and love someone I have to go through all this until I lost my self, i hated my self for fighting this long, I hated my self for loving him, I hated my self for what happen.

    • #14165
      Serenity
      Participant

      Million Pieces,

      My heart breaks reading your story.

      Your ex is a nasty and very dangerous man. He will treat any woman like that who he gets close to- believe me.

      You will build a good life for yourself without him.

      Make sure you get all the help and support you can to get over this terrible experience. Women’s Aid can direct you to local help near where you live.

      Big hugs X

    • #14181
      Millionpieces
      Participant

      Thank you for all advice I will look at the book (detail removed by Moderator)
      (detail removed by Moderator) Part of me telling me some of it it’s my fault. I stayed in that relation bcouse I wants to. And will all the rejection I stayed and i know my ex would lie to or silence to defend him self. The abuse in the beginning of our relation is worse than what happen recently and I went to the police straight after that happen. We can not contact each other but his friends and cousin all blaming me to go to police. They said I put him in difficult situation.
      Is it worth to tell police everything From beginning relation (as I don’t have proof or witnes, his friend witnes all the abused will not go against him, I know for sure) the one witnes the latest one told police he didn’t see anything when he was there standing by the door saw him slapping me.
      And all the rejection will that help him if he said he didn’t love me and I’m the one who wanted to be with him? The fact that he didn’t even feel guilty of cheating is so confusing me.
      Please advice me what to say and do with that.
      Thnx

    • #14328
      Serenity
      Participant

      Healthy Archive,

      I think from what you’ve said about how he behaved towards the end of your relationship, this is why you maybe feel you want contact.

      My ex too was constantly confusing me. One minute I was everything to him, the next minute he was being very emotionally abusive and cruel. He was never clear about anything.

      When he left, it was out of the blue. Although I think I know what made him go, and he may not have meant to go forever.

      I don’t think my ex ever knew what he wanted. He was keen to have something, then once he had it, he didn’t want it. His thoughts and emotions were always unstable.

      I think if we want contact, it is maybe because that wounded part of ourself wants them to contact us, to apologise and make everything okay. Or we want closure of some kind. That is because their behaviour has confused and hurt us so much.

      But we won’t find closure by being in contact with them. If we get in touch with them, they won’t be reasonable or kind or apologetic. They might pretend to be, but underneath it all they are the same angry and abusive mess, and manipulative, and any continued contact with them is highly damaging.

      I missed my ex when he first left as I felt traumatically bonded, and I think I wanted him to come back to apologise to my kids and tell them that if course he lived them, and for him to say sorry for all the cruelty he had meted out.

      However,my missing him lasted only a couple of months, because his post-separation abuse was so awful that I instead felt horrified at who I had married. I suddenly realised how warped he really was.

      I don’t miss him at all now. I just want him miles away from us.

    • #14329
      Serenity
      Participant

      Sorry for typing errors-

      I mean I wanted him to return and tell the kids he was sorry and of course he loved them.

    • #14349
      Serenity
      Participant

      I can understand this, Healthy Archive.

      I think it has something to
      do with us needing evidence.

      These abusers mess up our heads so much, being smarmy one minute and unloving the next, and their actions are cruel but don’t seem to telly with their apparent ( sometimes) charming mask.

      This confuses is at every level. I think it is called
      ‘cognitive dissonance’ where we sense two parallel realities operating at the same time, and we feel we know which is the true one, and want evidence for it.

      Thus, an abuser can be very stealthily abusive, deny wrongdoing and tell us it is our fault or that we are imagining things ( gas lighting). Yet we feel in our gut that we have in fact discovered the real them, the person beneath the false social mask.

      When my ex left, people old me to block him immediately, but i didn’t, partly because of practical things but also because his actions had proved to me who he was: now I needed evidence with his words. He was capable of such charm, but I needed to witness the real him now that his mask had lifted. He didn’t hold back, and there was a torrent of hideous abuse which more than proved to me who he really was, the true him he had managed to keep part-hidden from me for years. I just sat back and let him speak, and let him show me the true him.

      It got to the point, however, where it was traumatising me too much and because I felt I had learned enough about the real him, I cut off all contact.

      I can understand you feeling you almost need verification for your gut feelings about him being an abuser. But be assured, he fits the description of a typical perpetrator. You don’t need to doubt it.

      Whilst I needed to hear and understand his motives by reading his texts, at the very same time I was in the grip of PTSD and such abuse traumatised me terribly. I think any contact with him might set you back too.

    • #14352
      Serenity
      Participant

      As KIP said once: ‘He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.’

    • #14355
      Serenity
      Participant

      If you Google ‘profile of an abuser / perpetrator’ then you will have a list of characteristics which you can compare him to.

      But the cockiness, the sense of entitlement ( parking his car across others’ driveways) and the silent treatment and withholding of affection and ignoring you instead of discussing, are all abusive traits.

      Abusers don’t want a rational discussion with you to sort things out, as this would be giving their power away and allowing you equal importance. They like to
      remain top dog, and keep you hanging, hurt and confused. This way, they still have the upper hand.

    • #15937

      I am still feeling this Starmoon, are you?

      I think I may be suffering as I know he is visiting his son this weekend and we always went there together, not 30 minutes has passed today without me thinking of him & reminiscing. I am in such a bad way, i have always been very fit and sporty, now i sit around and eat so much & have completely let myself go, i have told myself that I have nothing to offer any man right now so I am going to put it out of my mind about even getting back with him. I don’t want to get back with him anyway, I don’t feel attractive and I know he is bad news. The NO Contact or more accurately worded COMPLETE SILENCE is now over 2 months long on BOTH sides, i am heartbroken and cry and sob and have so much excruciating emotional pain, how can I spend that time with a person, he is the only man I have ever been so close to, to be completely disguarded like this. I let every single barrier down with him and gave him everything of myself, its just the silence & complete cessation of all contact that is hurting me so much. I know that if we were back on speaking terms now I would still say the same that I said to him when we parted, that I want to end it. So its not even as if i want to get back together. I think it may be because he was abusive but i’m not sure. I have been out with non abusive men, the relationship has not worked out and it ended, I had no cravings, deep sadness or longing for them.

      • #15940
        Starmoon
        Participant

        It’s so complex. Our lack of selfesteem and how they prayed on that.. If your ex is like mine, he lead you to believe he was the one that would make everything ok, he’d complete you and he loved you.
        My ex would tell me I was his whole world and then the next day he’d tell me I made his life hell… They confuse us so nothing makes sense. And we are designed to make sense of things. Which is why I think it’s so hard to brake free. I’ve ended relationships in the past because there’s been no spark, for lots of reasons… But there’s always a reason. Here there never is one so there’s no closure. if your ex is a n********t then he’s a master at making people convinced that he’s amazing which is why you probably thought he was. But they are empty shells aren’t they. And all of that’s easy to say. No contact is hard here because he’s doing all he can to contact me! But as soon as I get dragged back in, it will start over again. I known how you’re feeling over him not contacting you too because when my ex has done this (and will do again) it’s killed me to realize I meant nothing to him. It’s part of the grieving process.
        You’re so so strong to have come as far as you have!- and don’t look at it as having nothing to offer a man. You don’t have to have things to offer as such. Find yourself… I need to do the same.

    • #15941
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Healthyarchive,

      A book I found helpful to get me out of the junk eating/no exercise normal reaction to a breakup is by Greg Behrendt. Its called ‘Its called a breakup because its broken: The Smart Girls Breakup Buddy’. I found this book worked for me. And its humorous.

      I also love his other book and film ‘He’s just not that into you’.

      My abuser was just not that into me. Worse, he was hell-bent on destroying me:(

      • #15943
        Starmoon
        Participant

        I love all these book suggestions… It’s focus. I’ll take a look at That too xx

    • #15950

      LONC, thank you for the book recommendations, i’ll have a look at them.

      Starmoon, my ex regularly told me I was his world, his soulmate, as far as he was concerned he had found his life partner. At the same time he didn’t treat me that well, was disrespectful and made me feel unhappy a lot of the time. Every day he would send me texts saying how much he loved me. I wish i didn’t feel like this, it was I who ended it (he agreed with me I believe to get the upper hand) when the week before he was telling me how much he loved me. There is a lot on the internet about trauma bonding and PTSD both of which I think i’ve got. There’s also a lot of posts on here that are about that & really helpful. I wouldn’t mind but I know I don’t want to be with him anymore. I joined Womens Aid as I felt so mentally traumatized when we split, extreme mental abuse after the initial honeymoon period of when we first met. Two months after me split my feelings have changed to flatness, sadness and desperation, but i know i won’t contact him or anybody he knows which is good. I would like his daughter in law to contact me and tell me that he has confided that he still loves me. I have rehearsed my reply and I might reply that I still love him too, which I believe that I do. I went on to think of the next statement which would be but… I will not be with a bla bla bla, there are so many things about him i cannot tolerate, the list would be endless. Also since we split I have made some really exciting plans for myself and would not want to give them up. Realistically the odds of me getting back together with him are about 2% & that would be on a trial basis with us both talking and understanding male and female roles in society today. Its all too much and too impossible.

    • #14067
      Eve1
      Participant

      The name of the website is http://www.abuseandrelationshipsabuseandrelationships.org trauma bonding is under the survivors section. There’s s lot of information on the site, I haven’t looked at it all but it looks like one to keep going back to.

      Love
      Eve
      x

    • #14084
      Starmoon
      Participant

      How long have you been no contact healthy archive? I’m rearing 24 hours since I sent him the last email. I had seen that he’d emailed me numerous times But archived them before reading and then deleted my account so I assume anything he sends (if at all) will bounce? I feel so guilty about that too because I know he will be asking about the children. I never ever want to keep him away from the children and I did clarify that to his mum… But at the moment I just don’t know how to arrange contact when I don’t want to see him.
      Last year before the baby was born I think I managed about 2 weeks without contacting him and it was so so hard… My resolve broke after I went to one session of the freedom program and a friend also suggest I may have just been high maintenance. Allot more has happened now. As someone els said- one day at a time I guess xx

    • #14104
      Millionpieces
      Participant

      Hi healthyarchive, I’m registered into this sites week ago but only reading what others gone through.
      I have been abused for years, mentally and physically. It started from the beginning of our relation. At first I couldn’t believe person do such things. Then his best friend told me he was always been beaten every time he did something wrong and from that moment I feel sorry and i wanted to be with him no matter what and try to show what is love.. I nurture him like his mother, even physically he lessen abusing me but verbally he still so abusive, but every time I excuse him, in my mind I just imagine his childhood. But he never appreciate what I did, he still lie, and lie and lie, no matter how I explain, and he disrespect me in every way. Until he found girl who believe his lie and willing to be with him even she knows he live with me for years and still living together. He decide to leave me, and there is to it, he don’t look back at me. And he become more abusive and not even feel guilty for cheating, and still lie. Until one night he abused me, slap, kicking me. Even after this I still want him to apologise (he plead not guilty instead). It is so hard for me after (detail removed by Moderator) moths I still thinking and crying about him everyday. I do counselling but still not helping in the beginning. While I’m crying every night he go and see his new girl.
      All I’m saying don’t feel sorry, he is no longer that child who’s been abused he has grown into the monster him self. And we can’t change him. I try everything, reading book how to talk to men (he is not a men, he is monster) please be strong and don’t feel sorry for him.

    • #14346
      Starmoon
      Participant

      Hi, as you know I’m totally fresh to this we seem to relate an awful lot over what we are feeling and thinking over the split. I suspect are exs were similar in their abuse too. I’ve tried reading a number of books over the last year or so to attempt to understand and accept that its abuse but nothing rang true until I came across this book- the abusive relationship by Patricia evens. I can relate and allot is FINALLY making some sense (although I have billions of miles to go for recovery). I just thought it mite help you too x

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