24th July 2019 at 10:08 pm #84147
Hello, I’m grateful to have found this forum, some days I feel like I’m going mad. My ex was emotionally abusive to me, very controlling and he left me for another woman. I’m devastated as to how he’s left us and he wanted to be selfish he wanted all his wages to be on him, lavish holiday the world over whilst the kids and I are left behind. He eventually lost the house, leaving children and I homeless. But I tried everything to be better for him, more attractive, give into his demands, stop making him angry, doing my hair a certain way, yet he still blamed me for everything. Yet he’s left but will not leave me alone. Rings me visit the house. But I’m not allowed to ask questions about anything. His life is none of my business. But my life is his business. I wish I could just understand as I feel like I’m going crazy he doesn’t care, he doesn’t love me so why behave like this?
25th July 2019 at 4:10 pm #84240lover of no contactParticipant
In a nutshell you need to go No Contact with him. He’s behaving like this because he gets a high, and he gets to feel powerful and control after he has contact with you; he feeds off your distress, and the emotion you show him. He gets some from his girlfriend (new appliance in his eyes). But he gets lots of delicious potent negative fuel from your hurt, distress, bewilderment whatever the emotion he triggers in you after he had had contact. Just because ur separated you can still be abused if you have contact. He will do what he can to see your face. He needs to see your face. How you get stronger is implementing strategies where he never, ever gets to see your face. You will then go from strength to strength and have the time and space to grieve the huge losses you have experienced. Keep posting in here and posting as you need. This Forum will help you process what you’ve been through and at the same time it helps us as well.
25th July 2019 at 8:32 pm #84271LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum. Even though your ex has left the relationship the abuse and control continues, if he is in a new relationship he probably wont have shown his new partner this side to him yet and just as lover of no contact describes, he is addicted to the feeling he gets when he has control over you. You are the only one who can stop this and no contact at all is the only way. This is easier said than done and you may want some support to help you feel strong enough to do this.
Contact the helpline on 0808 2000 247 and they can give you details of local domestic abuse support services alternatively you can find them here.
Also have a look into The Freedom Programme, this can be helpful to answer questions about his behaviour and to understand the dynamics of abuse, because without this kind of knowledge anyone would feel crazy.
Take care and keep posting
26th July 2019 at 9:45 pm #84386
Thank you for your replies.
I’ve tried so hard to go no contact but he always finds a way.
I feel so stupid for feeling this way but he is probably all flowers and chocolates with his woman and he was never like that for me. Why was he and continues to be so vile to me and all lovely with his woman, I mean he must be after the message I saw. He left me for her so why won’t he leave me be? I mean why does he need to see my face?
27th July 2019 at 9:13 am #84412lover of no contactParticipant
He needs to see your face to “get his high” from ur hurt, upset, bewilderment and emotional reactions. He is an addict. He is addicted to “Power and Control.” He needs to see your face to get his fix. At the moment he is in the live-bombing phase with his new appliance (that’s all his new girlfriend is to him) so he gets plenty of ‘positive fuel” from her (her admiration, her face lighting up when he sees her, her delight at the flowers and the chocolates); this positive fuel from her gives him a bit of a high but he’s holding out for when he has her hooked and then he can begin the devaluing if her; and then he gets a huge high from her upset, anger, loss of confidence etc whatever emotion he can trigger from her. Now with you he has descarded you and he needs to see your face so he can get a high from seeing the damage he has done to you and continues to do to you. He is getting such a huge high from this. The thing is like any addiction the high wears off so he needs to keep engineering situations to see your face to get his high. He will do anything and everything to still have contact with you.
I found it useful to get a calendar and mark off the days of where he didn’t get to see my face.
Contact with him weakens you and strengthens him. But conversely No Contact with him strengthens you and weakens him.
27th July 2019 at 2:39 pm #84431
Thank you lover of no contact
I wish I could understand why people treat people this way. I feel like he’s used me, he destroyed me and now moved on to the next person.
He constantly lies, yet he tells me his life is nothing to do with me. But he’s driving me insane I feel like I’m going crazy, crazy trying to understand how he treats me like this, the mother of his children and how he can so quickly discard us and move on to the next woman. I often wonder what’s so amazing about her.
27th July 2019 at 3:16 pm #84432
He is always going on about his mental health, how he can’t cope, how I drive him insane, how my actions makes him angry.
He blames me for his mental health.
He doesn’t care about me I know he doesn’t but why do I feel so much pain.
27th July 2019 at 5:36 pm #84442
because he is punishing you – he can take his anger you and shift all the blame on to you so he dosent have to carry any guilt. in his delusional eyes your at fault. but this is his projection off himself he is not a good person doing this to you. he is not mentally ill this is an excuse to be abusive. he knows your a good person – you have kindness and your responsible. he knows this and he plays on this – he keeps you in your place through this punishment. the only way to take control and protect yourself is keep him away from you.write down a list off all the good things you believe yourself to be and write down all the things you like to do. make a plan for the week – meet up with as many people you care about as you can. i did this the first week off no contact and it helped to stay busy. its not easy but soon you will be able to say he is history and work on your recovery. take you back 🙂 love diymum
27th July 2019 at 5:39 pm #84444
also the other woman is his next victim – i went through the same he discarded the next one too just like me and he blamed me! for that break up he even tried to cheat on her with me. wasnt going to happen. these men are callous and cruel in ALL there relationships thats the truth xxxx
27th July 2019 at 7:27 pm #84462
Thank you diymum
He’s destroyed me and somedays I feel
Like I can’t carry on, I’m terrifiedI’ll never be loved because he’s made me feel so worthless and the rest of my life is going to
I lived on eggshells all my married life and my anxiety is so high, i just don’t know how to live my life or what to do.
Somedays I wish I didn’t have to wake up. What this man has done to me I fear I’ll never recover and the fact that they never take responsibility for their actions is just worse.
He’s going on holiday next for 2 weeks I actually can’t wait so I don’t have to have any contact with him, he never takes the children anywhere he told me this is my life and I’ll do exactly what I want.
27th July 2019 at 10:27 pm #84469
you wont be lonely there are good people out there im starting to think there is a 40 60 ratio tho im not going to lie. dont let him destroy your trust then he wins. these men are very similar theres a pattern and when you read other peoples ecperiences youll see that. this was not your fault and this was not down to u/us xx we spend so much time working these guys out in essence they are cowards no back bone not like us because were survivors xxxx we are stronger than we know xxxx love diymum
28th July 2019 at 7:37 am #84478
Thank you for your replies xx
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