12th February 2016 at 8:14 pm #9587
I am having a tough time. Sorry I needed to say that to someone that isn’t going to think I should be over it. It has been quite a few months since we left, I still can’t quite believe I haven’t gone back! But he is on my mind all the time, I hear him and see him though I know he isn’t really here. I’ve also been worrying how he is and if he’s coping in prison, but why am I worried? After all he’s put me through and is still putting me through? I know he is probably plotting his revenge and so angry that i have put him there. The other thing that has been on my mind is, did he ever love me? Is it possible that even when he was doing all that horrendous stuff to me he still loved me? I’m just finding it hard. I just feel like i beed to sit and tell someone all the horrible things he said and did to me, but i’m convinced people are sick of hearing about it, and or don’t want to know all the details. Plus i’m convinced people think i sgould be over it now! The end teSing is i’m now struggling notnot to selfharm. 😧😞😞 Sorry
12th February 2016 at 9:04 pm #9589AyannaParticipant
Big hugs to you! No, you cannot be over all this so soon. It takes years.
Do not beat yourself up for thinking like this. We all have these moments and it is normal. We are kind and loving human beings and it is beyond our imagination that anybody could commit such deeds of horror to us ever.
Of course he thinks of revenge. This is how all these useless creatures are. Whilst he is theres, make sure you erase all traces of yourself so that he cannot find you. Change your sirname if you can. Change all your phone numbers. Go on the anonymous register for the elections. The council will do this for you if you send them the criminal sentence.
Do not panic. Do things slowly, one by one.
These men do not love us. They have enormous problems with their egos. It is all about themselves, about controlling us and about their self gratification. Why did he choose you? Have you thought about this? He got a lot out of you, that’s why, whatever it was.
Do not direct your feelings of anger and frustration at yourself. Look in the mirror and see how beautiful you are. Do you want to destroy this? For whom? For a worthless cockroach? Think again!
Try to get counselling. I know how unhelpful the NHS is, but try. Some are lucky and get counselling.
If you can, do nice things for yourself, such as baths with nice ingredients, dye your hair in a different colour, put make up on, …. Take walks in the park, go to free events, distract yourself.
There is a different world out there. We are still too traumatised to see it, but it is there.
Do not wait for so called friends to understand you. They probably will never.
Have you attended the Freedom Programme?
What are your interests?
Maybe you want to do a course?
Hang in there, it is not easy. xxxxx
12th February 2016 at 9:44 pm #9592
My friends have been extreamly helpful, actually almost to helpful, to the point they have been threatened by my ex. I think the guilt i feel for tge trouble i have caused them is preventing me from talking about it with them. I am on a waiting list for councilling, i just feel so angry with myself, to the point where i feel the nees to punish myself
12th February 2016 at 10:07 pm #9595Confused123Participant
Hun Im a year and half out and im still recovering, bless u , u r only few months out, this does hurts , your prob still in trauma bonding stage , do counselling and remind yourself everyday what he did to u , in timeit does get easier
13th February 2016 at 6:26 am #9602
Thankyou confused we are heading fast towards the year mark. I guess i thought i’d be over it by now, at the end of each process, (detail removed by Moderator). I thought eaxh time would be the end i’d feel normal again! It just never goes away! It never stops hurting. To make it worse i have been called t
For a medical by the dwp! How do you explain to someone probably a man, that just getting out of bed to look after your own children is an effort, that the slightest thing can cause a flash back? That you panic everytime you have to leave the house whilst trying to hide it from your children, that you go out with a set plan where your going who you will and wont speak to? How do you explain? What It’s like to live with this
13th February 2016 at 1:39 pm #9617
Hi In Need of Peace,
I am nearly two years out and still have days when I think I can only cope with burying myself under a duvet.
Be compassionate with yourself. You’ve been through a dreadful experience. Apparently, even the most normal of break-ups takes 2 years to get over ( abusive relationships and abuse takes longer, and the road isn’t linear. You will have trigger days.
The best thing you can do is stop punishing yourself for feeling as you do. Your feelings are natural.
You are doing so well in hiding it from your kids, but it must be exhausting. You need an outlet to talk it out. I still attend my support group every two weeks, and I miss it when it isn’t on. I have also returned to counselling for a while.
Those who haven’t been traumatised by abuse can’t completely understand, even those who valiantly stood up for you. It’s important to
women who have been through the same- who stein the same page, as it were.
I sense from your post that a part if your anxiety is about his possible negative feelings towards you and when he comes out of prison? I know the horrible anxiety one can have when one is waiting for something negative to happen.
You need to open up and discuss this fear openly with the right people, and make a concrete an of how you will deal with it. Maybe this forward thinking will then enable you to move backwards into the present, once you have a clear plan in your mind and a list of the professional support you will enlist if you need it. Arm yourself with information and a clear plan. Then you’ll feel more secure and enjoy the present.
Take small steps every day. Make sure you take time for your needs too. X
13th February 2016 at 1:40 pm #9618
I mean who are on the same page
13th February 2016 at 7:24 pm #9635
I am absolutely petrified about him coming out of prison, It’s my fault he is there and he will know that, he will be so angry with me. I don’t know what he is capable of. He has strangled me and beat me before is he capable of worse?! I have a friendfriend telling me i need to move further away, that i’ve not mived far enough for him not to find us. We are still in refuge but can’t live here for ever, i have a restraining order, but not sure how useful that actually is.
All i want to do is hideaway in bed, not that i sleep much, i can hear him coming up the stairs to rape me (makes me panic even though i know he’s not there), and i regularly have nightmares. Recently they have been quite vivid about him finding us.
13th February 2016 at 10:37 pm #9641
You need to discuss this fear as much as you can with those trained to help- rape crisis, DV counsellor….
Use the time that he is away to really build yourself up and get all the advice, therapy, support and help you can.
The forum is always here too X
15th February 2016 at 10:35 pm #9756
My wa refuge worker is off work at the minute, i have been given a different one but i don’t know her, and because i don’t know her i am very weary to talk to her. But because we have been classed as high risk, and went to MARAC i also have an IDVA i think i am going to give her a call, abd see what options i have when i move out of refuge see if there is anything that can be done or if there is anything i can.
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