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    • #11317
      SFHolding2
      Participant

      It’s not so much having a bad day….more a bad few months!
      Things are getting really on top of me.
      I have agreed to a settledent on the house. It’s not half and half, but I am getting more than I put into the house (deposit) and for ease I am wanting a quick resolution.
      I have had an offer accepted on a new home and although I have not yet moved in it is hopefully going through. We are relocating to a new area, with some distance between my ex. I have already moved the schools for the children, so if the house sale falls through then I will rent in that area.
      My ex is still abusing through the kids, and at times I feel that this is approaching safeguarding thresholds, but not quite enough for childrens services to step in (my case has been recently closed).
      My ex feeds our daughter milk and she has a mild intolerance, tummy aches, scaley skin. She tells him that she shouldn’t, but he tells her she is not intolerant and I have no proof as she has not been tested. (She was under a paediadric consultant but was discharged at 18 months, as dairy free did the trick, they advised she would grow out of it and gradually reintroduce dairy). Certain things set her off but she can tolerate some dairy. But it seems he is feeding her things that she is saying she can’t have and he is dismissing it all as nonsense and all in my head.
      Also the younger children (removed by moderator) are up until gone 12am when they stay up rather than going to bed. He will not get up in the morning to them and they are left downstairs for a few hours unsupervised.
      The one child comes back in a right state, he is telling her when she is older she will live at his….she finds it stressful coming back to me as she feels sorry for him being in his own.
      I was finding sleeping very difficult so the g.p changed my antidepressant from sertraline to mirtazipine, but mirtazipine was awful, and it made my mood aggressive and I was very intolerant of everyone (a bit like my ex). So back on sertraline with sleeping tablets. I feel like I am sinking due to all the stress. Finding it difficult to keep up with work, filling out all the paperwork for schools and mortgage, just not coping very well at all!

    • #11319
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      Ditto Unity, I’m feeling just the same. My ex’s treatment of our kids is at exactly the same level. Just enough to upset me but not enough to stop it. I’ve been advised to send a solicitor’s letter to cover myself if anything worse happens, though I haven’t done it yet. That plus lots of work triggers has really set me back lately. You sound like you have made totally amazing progress though and I’m sure distance will be a big help. You’re doing brilliantly. Maybe stop for a pat on the back and a little rest/treat if possible. I have one planned for Easter weekend 🙂 x*x

    • #11329
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi unity,

      I think you have made amazing progress too, sorting out your old house, sorting out a new one and area to live in, sorting out new schools for you children, sorting out all the paperwork to do with new schools and mortgage, coping with His (abuser’s) games and his using of his own children to worry you (over kids), upset you and get a reaction out of you (sick, twisted individual that he is, my abuser is the same. Coping with abuser’s toxic effect on your children and you having to pick up the pieces with then after they have contact with him. Coping with your not sleeping well due to the stress.

      Not to mention your keeping you paid work job going, being a single parent, washing, cooking, cleaning and shopping (don’t even go there with the ironing!!). Wow, can you see how amazing you are and what progress and good, positive changes you’re achieving!

      Us survivors are so capable and such achievers. Thing is we don’t always see it because our abusers put us down so much all the time (probably to take the spotlight off them shirking their responsibilities, kids, financial and house).

      A pat on the back this weekend definitely to you unity, and all us survivors who are so capable.

    • #11336
      Serenity
      Participant

      Hi Unity!

      I have been wondering how you are.

      I know exactly what you mean – the abuse being bad but not obvious enough to take steps. The abuse is very, very real and very damaging, but is executed in such a way that we would look like the unhinged ones if we reported it.

      I am certain that our abusers know what they are doing, that they are cleverly operating in such a way that their actions and motives are hard to pinpoint- so they can’t be called up on them by any professionals. Yet we know that their motives are not good- whether it’s mere neglect, or something more sinister like upsetting a child’s routine or upsetting them just to get a reaction or to weaken the child and continue victimising.

      Like PP, mine operates under the radar.

      It’s a constant worry. As soon as things are peaceful bd going smoothly, the abuser does something to upset or destabilise.

      Abusers can’t bear others having peace- because they don’t have it!

      All I can say, or all I can think to myself is that children will gravitate towards love and peace in the end, over against manipulations and neglect and uncertainty.

      I have quoted my previous counsellor on here before, who says that ‘kids go where they are loved.’

      Abusers can mimic love when they need to. They can fake it when it serves them a purpose. But genuine love is on a different plane altogether.

      Over the years, there will
      Be the usual trials of parenting for you- teenage moods, rebellion… but under it all they will know they are loved. And encouraging them to firm their own values and to stand up to others will prevent them from becoming like him or from being used by him.

      You have achieved so much on a practical level- house etc. It’s amazing. I myself have completed the finances, and it is draining. I am still trying to recover from that- it takes so much out of you.

      Baby steps, and as long as you are moving in the right direction, the pace doesn’t matter so much.

      It might be useful- as it is to me even now- to continue to log all these little things with dates, because if your concerns increase, you may need all these things as evidence.

      It seems mad that I am waiting for the abuse to get
      Bad enough and obvious enough before I take it back to court, because even though I have lots of examples, they are such that they are not obvious enough for a judge to be able to confirm the behaviour is deliberate and abusive.

      You’re doing great x

    • #11364
      SFHolding2
      Participant

      Thank you all,I have some very good work colleagues who have been a great source of support, but due to work commitments we see one another less frequently nowdays. I remember my one colleague who is religious (I am not), she said that the Lord only sends us what we can cope with…..I am or have reached my limit. I get it that we sometimes need to reach the very low, to appreciate the good. It would be great to have some good, soon…..for all of us on the forum x*x recovering from abuse is a gruelling process, but a necessity, to discover ourselves, no matter of the pain. Thanks again, I will be going on the forum more often, it’s just I don’t have internet, so it’s not always that easy x*x

    • #11367
      Ayanna
      Participant

      I only want to say that you are amazing. Being able to work with all these problems is an enormous achievement. You are very strong. Hang in there. Things will improve soon. xxxxx

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