First day of December and he is doing what he promised he would never do again!

[deathangel]

Hey all! I am back. It looks like things are moving fast in the direction of the cycle of abuse ending. Well sort of. I have been seeing a womankind counsellor for two months, nearly three and he has been going to R.S.V.P. (perpetrator programme). Thing is, his behaviour has been getting worse. So long story short, I have my son’s and my passport packed in a bag (since around July this year). I have been standing up for myself, feeling the anger, expressing the anger, etc. Last night we came home from gym. Someone left “his” chicken meal on the stove top and one of the cats got to it. I think he left it out there. His memory is bad, or so he says…BOOM! Shouted at me, the kids, stormed upstairs and then let rip about stuff not even related to the chicken. So weird thing happened. We were on the same page. Myself, my (detail removed by moderator) son and his (detail removed by moderator) son. We told him we had had enough of the way he deals with things. And we backed one another up (this has never happened, it is usually my kids, me or me and one of my kids taking the brunt). Of course he sat there silently stewing so I just stayed silent as I have done for a lot of the relationship waiting for the fallout. He comes to bed, silence, then he asks where his goodnight kiss is. I tell him I have something to say first, he tells me not to bother, he does not want to hear what I have to say (wow this is a real old chestnut), he puts his earphones in (yes, he goes to bed with earphones in connected to his phone) and gets really nasty when I try to finish what I started to say. Suffice it to say, our relationship (was there ever one, (detail removed by moderator) and I feel empty and numb) is over and he is going to sell the house and from what he intimated is going to make my life very uncomfortable now. He lashed out with his leg and foot at the cat and…anyway I told my counsellor weeks ago he repulses me, I do not want him to touch me, etc. I want out. And here I am. Sorry for the incoherence.

I might need advice from someone who has co-owned a house with an abuser/perpetrator. The only thing making me anxious is the nastiness and the unknowns now that the ball is rolling. I have not left because I co-own the house and my son is (detail removed by moderator) Lots has happened in the interim of me last posting, but that is just the same old same, and you have all probably got similar tales and anecdotes and history.

I actually feel nervously excited, not sad, depressed, worried or down. I think I did my grieving in my sessions with counsellor already. What made me want out is the realisation this is not going to change, he is getting worse and I have nothing left to give, I have given too much already and I need to focus on myself and my children now. The pivotal point was him telling me a few days ago that I get involved where I am not wanted. I got so angry I was shaking that evening. That was it, no more.

I have not eaten breakfast because I feel nauseous. I hope I can get through today okay…

[KIP.]

Sadly you are correct that they never change, abuse always gets worse. It’s great but also sad that the children are having to stand upto him. My son did the same. It made no difference. I can tell you that living with an abuser while going through a divorce etc is extremely dangerous. I tried it and lasted not long at all before he turned violent. When they start to lose control their behaviour becomes unpredictable. I can tell you that mine hid money, lied to his solicitor and the courts at every opportunity. My advice would be to get out secretly and rent somewhere because I can assure you that he is going nowhere. Get a good lawyer. Find out what you are legally entitled to. Make him one fair offer. If he refuses then go straight to court. Do not waste your money negotiating through a solicitor. It’s expensive and a waste of time. Start gathering financial documents, bank statements, insurance policies. Talk to a solicitor asap about a separation date so that legally he cannot run up huge bills in both your names. My ex emptied our joint account then froze it. Expect absolutely no reasonable behaviour because in his mind this is all your fault and you deserve nothing. It’s a hard road but you can make it easier by no contact. Ring Rights for Women for some good legal free advice and contact your local women’s aid who can help you with housing etc. Lastly, never ever underestimate the behaviour of these men. Mine lied to our son from the get go. Using their own children for revenge is second nature. Keep posting. I can tell you the journey is one hundred percent worth it. Draw that line to where you want to be and don’t deviate.

[lilaclady]

You are so right they never change. The only thing that changes is we finally get to the point you have, have nothing left to give and realise it’s getting worse. You are so right in focusing on yourself and your children.

I am at the same point. Finally there with this NEVER changing.I’m calling a lawyer tomorrow and getting the ball rolling on this. NO MORE. The same behaviour week in week out the controlling, wanting the power. blaming, nasty etc etc. The unknowns are really hard to deal with I so feel for you. My husband has told me time and time again he will destroy me if we divorce. But the unknown is exactly what it is unknown what we do know is that enough is enough.

KIP is so right get yourself a good lawyer. Don’t bother with solicitors. Keep telling yourself NO MORE. And keep posting here we are all here for you.

Eat breakfast if you can too! I know it’s hard but your body needs fuel at this time. xx

[Freedomfighter]

Hi deathangel
Just wanted to show my support. Going through similar things with mine except mine doesn’t accept any responsibility or acknowledge we have problems. He says it’s all in my head. I’ve already been to women’s aid and spoken to legal advisor and have appointment with divorce lawyer next week.
Kip’s right about the money, mine’s been hiding it for years and he spends money on holidays, sports cars tools etc etc, while telling me we haven’t got any money to replace broken windows. They’re lying, cheating controlling and totally heartless. Like lilaclady mine told me he’d never give me a divorce. He actually said that God doesn’t recognise divorce so even if I did manage to force him to sign I’d go straight to Hell and would be committing adultery even if I married again. He then told me about a ‘friend’ whose wife divorced him making up stories about him having affairs (I’d accused him of having affairs at the time) and apparently this friend made her life Hell from smear campaigns where she worked, anonymous letters to friends saying she was the one having affairs and was accusing him so she could get more money and set up with the new lover to financially ruining her and constantly harassing her with visiting and phoning to yell abuse and lies so her new neighbors weren’t speaking to her. When I asked who he was talking about he said I didn’t know him. I think he was warning me what he’ll do. I don’t want to go to court I know he’ll crush me, but my legal advisor told me she thought her boss could get me a quick divorce without having to disclose abuse or getting the police involved. I hope she’s right. I’m keeping quiet about the divorce. I’m carrying on as normal and keeping my head down while I look for somewhere to rent and get everything in place. I plan to leave while he’s off (detail removed by Moderator). If he finds out then I have an emergency back up plan. I have bags at my mums house with money, paper work, clothes etc
I don’t know if my plan will work out, but I’ve tried the open and honest approach before and that definitely didn’t.
Good luck with your plans and divorce. We deserve better

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