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Hello, I finally found strength (with friends support) to tell my situation to my brother. That day my partner put my suitcase outside the door and changed locks. I was embarrassed but told my brother that I have nowhere to stay over night. I spent many nights and days being locked out in the past. This time I asked for help.
It was (detail removed by moderator), I can stay here for few days. Still haven’t taken all my stuff from the flat. I reported the kick out to police.My struggle is that he’s trying to play victim. I don’t know how and if to answer to his messages. I have to arrange the collection somehow. And we have a cat… which I’ll have to leave behind.
Really struggling!!!
Don’t know what to do???!!! -
Hi Teresa,
Are the police taking action about the assault you have told them about? There may be sufficient evidence to proceed for this and if so, he may be given bail not to contact you. Do you have a legal right to the address he has kicked you out of? If so, he can’t just change the locks, so there may be a possibility of you returning there and him being bailed to not go back there. Unless the mortgage or tenancy agreement is solely in his name, you do have rights to return there. If he is on bail do not answer his messages, report these to the police as a breach.
They ALL play the victim. None of them will say “yeah, I’m an abuser, I assaulted her so she left me.” They make out we are the crazy, unpredictable ones, often referring to us as ‘pyschos’ and that they are the ones who had to ‘put up’ with our behaviour and moods. He’ll probably message you and tell you he’ll have you back if you are the one to change. Don’t fall for it.
Will he look after the cat? I had cats that I had to leave behind, but my abuser was an animal lover and he did look after them. If the cat is yours, then it will be classed as ‘property’ that you can collect. Is there a third party that can arrange to collect your things for you? The police are no longer able to attend to prevent a Breach of the Peace in some forces and instead, encourage you find a third party to collect on your behalf.
If the police are not taking any further action then you will find some help and support from local DA services in your area. Have a Google and see what comes up and give them a call.
Well done for getting yourself out of this relationship. Focus on one day at a time and prioritise what you need to do that day. You may be able to register as homeless with your local Council too, and as you have been forced out of your home due to DA you should be placed higher on the homeless register.
Once you know the outcome of what the police are doing then you will be able to plan more effectively.
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The police will ask you a series of questions for a Risk Assessment. This includes historical incidents, so if you have previously been assaulted and never reported it then you can report them tomorrow. Even if you have no evidence of historical assaults, the police have a legal duty to record then as a crime. Depending on what you tell them, they may also record a crime of Controlling and Coercive Behaviour. They can arrest him for any offences disclosed, with or without your consent, as they have to take ‘positive action’.
This may all sound quite scary, especially if you’ve never involved the police before, but it can help you take back control of your life if you want to go down this route and work with them. I’m very aware that there are many ladies who do not want to go down the criminal route but the police take action anyway and this leaves them feeling even more out of control of what they want and the pressure just adds to what they are already having to deal with. With your consent, the police will refer you to the local DA service in your area, but you do not have to wait for them to make contact. In my area we have a few different DA charities but the police only refer to one of them, so it’s still worth making your own enquiries if you feel up to it.
Good luck tomorrow, let us know how you get on
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