First engagement…

[Tiffany]

I just heard that my cousin is engaged. We used to live together and were very close at one time although they subsequently moved abroad. I want to feel glad for them but I am finding it hard. This is the first engagement since I broke up with my fiance and it is much harder than I expected. It doesn’t help that I have had a bad week. I had a big anxiety attack when my father acted in a way which was very like my abuser, and then I had 3 or 4 smaller attacks at work. This is after a couple of months without these symptoms so I am frustrated with what feels like a lack of progress. Does anyone have any tips for getting past this particular hurdle?

[Janedoeissad]

I can’t offer any advice only hugs.

Remember that engagement does not necessarily equate to happiness. You were engaged but he was cruel. They say don’t judge your life based on someone else’s show reel. And I’m a true believer in that. She might have felt pressured to say yes, I have one friend who told me she’d settled for her husband and now feels trapped.

If it was me I’d get passed it by not seeing it as a huge achievement. Be pleased she appears to be having a happy moment but remember that you too will have happy moments and she will have a bad time at some point. It’s the circle of life.

[Janedoeissad]

PS you appear to be making progress to me. You said you’ve gone a couple of months without symptoms. That’s progress to me

[Tiffany]

As far as I know she proposed. I think they are probably very happy. They have a very strong relationship and are both absolutely lovely people. I think that they will be incredibly happy together. And I am really glad for them both. I just never envisioned my cousin getting married before me. I was very much the homemaker in our shared flat and my cousin was the party animal who never wanted to grow up. It makes it hit home somehow what I thought I had, and that it was never real and I couldn’t have had this no matter what. Maybe in the future I guess.

[Tiffany]

Couple of months without that particular symptom anyway. It’s a start. More than I had hoped of my symptoms seem to be my preexisting chronic illness, but it is undoubtedly easier to cope with without the continual anxiety, the question of whether I was going mad and all of my energy being poured into the futile attempt to stop my partner being abusive.

[Author]

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