First post

[Gazebo]

Hi
This is my first post – I’ve been with my husband (detail removed by Moderator) years and married for some of those with small children. I am struggling a lot as I feel I can never be myself. Long story short things that happen, always being told off for not doing this or doing that wrong – complained at because I’m not affectionate enough or don’t want sex all the time. I have completely lost my drive probably because of all of this and I was sent to the doctors by him to find out why…he doesn’t think it’s normal! I’m told to go to bed sometimes if I yawn, get constant messages if I go out so I don’t bother anymore. He’s very paranoid and moans about my past life even though he knew about all of this before we married. There is so much more but I’m starting to think I’m the problem but feel completely trapped 🙁 and feel so sad all of the time but o don’t see a way out because of the children as I don’t want to break the family up.

[Gazebo]

This does all sound minor but there is so much more I have even kept a log of all the things he says and does 🙁 I just feel so low and just can’t be me anymore xx

[Eggshells]

Hi Gazebo,

Welcome to the forum.

You have such insight. You have found your way here which means you recognise that you are being abused.

I didn’t recognise my abuse for many many years and I stayed in what I just perceived as an unhappy marriage for the sake if the children. Like you, I didn’t want to break the family up.

It was a huge mistake. In my experience, staying in a marriage with an abusive man does the children more harm than good.

My ex was extremely manipulative and he controlled our children without any of us realising it.

Now an adult, my eldest son called me in the muddle of the night (detail removed by Moderator) to tell me that he was going to end it all. He had realised that non of his choices had been his own. Right from his GCSE choices through to his degree, his father had basically manipulated him towards a career that his father wanted him to do. He didn’t know who he was. He had tried to shape his entire life and personality to fit who his father expected him to be. He couldn’t see a way forward.

Thankfully he is now getyinh back on track. He has become a very different person and is about to return to uni so that he can pursue the career he wants. It hasn’t been easy for him and he still has a long way to go in his recovery.

I’m still waiting for the same realisation to hit my youngest who is still at uni, doing the degree his father wants him to do. He has already started telling me that he wants to be a (detail removed by Moderator)!

Please don’t stay for the sake of your children. In my experience, you won’t be doing them any favours.

[Gazebo]

Thank you so much for replying. I’m so glad your son is ok now that must have been so hard to deal with. I do worry about my children with some of the things he says to them it’s mostly said in jest to them but they do take it all in – things like at bedtime oh daddy’s fab part of the day now worst thing is he does mean that part and they repeat that to him now 🙁 or if he’s off work I get what you doing with them today then – like I need to take them out I love my children so much they are my world but doesn’t seem to be the same for him – I believe he would much have rather to just have me in his life but if the kids weren’t here I defo would not still be here with him.

[Eggshells]

Many a true word spoken in jest!

If your abuser is unable to connect then his idea of love will feel very different from yours. He is likely to see them as an imposition on the life he wants and may actually see them as getting in the way of his relaxation. He will see them as competition for your affection and intrusive on your relationship rather than embracing a parent focused dynamic.

They will pick up on this and it will start to leave a mark. Children are desperate for their parents love and they will happily bend to his will in the hope that they will be awarded with affection and love. They learn that love has to be earned through conformity when they should be learning that love is unconditional. If they grow up with the belief that love must be earned and you only give and receive love when certain criteria are met I wonder what kind of lives they have ahead of them?

[Gazebo]

Everything you said in that last post is so true – he had a go at me for not being affectionate to him and he said I know you can be affectionate because you are with the children….he hates it. I’ve been told off tonight because I’m staying up and he’s gone to bed – it’s ok if he stays up but I should go to bed when he does!! I’m struggling at the moment as we had a big row last weekend but I just feel I can’t get out and I hate this feeling of being trapped 🙁 xx

[Eggshells]

The feeling of being trapped is really common. I remember feeling it myself.

It might be worth talking to citizens advice about any benefits that you would be entitled to if you left him. If you are married you should also get a reasonable divorce settlement. Your local dv charity should also be able to explain housing options to you. You might not be as trapped as you think you are.

[Gazebo]

Ok thank you – I will try and contact them and see what my options maybe. I told myself last Christmas that I won’t be in this situation this Christmas but it’s so hard to move things forward 🙁 as I feel like the bad person.

[Bettertimesahead]

This has made me think. I am out of my relationship although not got closure yet.The children being an imposition resonated with me. I could never quite get his attitude to the kids. Now it makes sense. He unfortunately made it quite obvious to them just before he left that he didn’t really care about them, only me – was obsessed. They are adult and have no contact now, but cannot understand his attitude

[Gazebo]

It’s so hard isn’t it – I feel my husbands loves the children but he would much prefer it just me and him – I feel so anxious when it’s just me and him and kids have gone to bed I’m much happier with me and the children but I just can’t see a way out right now – financially I couldn’t keep the house and I don’t want to upset the children by having to move I also feel very guilty if I had to make him leave. And I also have that fear of what would happen would he do something to me or the children it’s all so scary. I don’t have much support from my mum as she’s kind of lived exactly the same thing and is still with him now. I hope you do get closure really soon xx

[Bettertimesahead]

Yes I really get that. My abuse was I realise now emotional and sexual, as well as financial. I hated it if the kids both went out as I knew he’d expect sex. He was very disengaged with their lives. Both mine thankfully seem v aware of his behaviour and how abnormal it was. We are all happier now and the house is so so different. I’m not sure if I can stay here but wherever we end up we will be happier.

[Gazebo]

I’m so glad you’ve managed to move on and hope you and the children are so much happier.
I have no sex drive at all but I’m still expected to have sex and he sulks if we don’t so I just go along with it so I don’t have to put up with the moods 🙁 he constantly complains I’m not affectionate enough to him and constantly moans I didn’t do this right or why’s that been left there – when I say it all out loud it all feels minor but I feel so unhappy and sad all of the time xx

[nbumblebee]

@gazebo, You are certainly not alone. My husband is so selfish I knkw for a fact that he loves our kids but he would always put himself first always.that breaks my heart more than what he does to me. As for sex my husband uses it so if i want anything or he does a nice thing then he exoects to be re paid with sex. If he does not het it he gets very nasty no hitting but he is nasty other times he will ignore me for days if I say no. Its worse when he has had a drink.
This is an amazing forum ive only been here a couple of weeks but the ladies on here are fantastic with their knowledge and advice.
Everyones experience is different so never feel like yours is minor it isnt.
Sending you big hugs xxxxx

[Gazebo]

Thank you nbumblebee, I know it’s all going to kick off here again soon as we’ve not had sex for a week or had any hugs or anything. He told me last week if I didn’t want to have sex when he asked then I need to suggest something else instead….I feel on edge constantly as I know a row is brewing. I’m sorry your husband is like that with the children it’s heartbreaking isn’t it and I’m sorry he gets so nasty with you re sex I hope your weekend has been ok. How I wish things were easier 🙁 xx

[nbumblebee]

@gazebo Ahhh mate I understand so much as I am just the same as you, its so hard right? All I can say is read posts on here, keep talking keep being strong reach out for help as it is out there. Hugs x*x

[Anonymous]

Hi Gazebo,

Yes, you are experiencing abuse. The reason why it sounds minor to yourself when you say it out loud is because he minimises what he is putting you through.
If you are having sex because you feel forced to, then that is coercion on his part.
He is the one making you feel guilty. Saying you are not affectionate.
I could have written your post when I was with my ex with small children.
And I also didn’t want to hurt the children or break up the family. Your partner has already done that.
If you want to vent or ask anything I’m around.
This is not your fault. I hope you find a way out. Xx

[Gazebo]

Thank you @nbumblebee hope your doing ok xx

[Gazebo]

Thank you @ocean – haven’t been able to reply as he’s been home last few days. Kicked off again (detail removed by Moderator) as I’ve not changed after our last argument and I’m still not being affectionate – I can’t just switch those feelings on and the way he acts sulking and moody all the time the last thing I want to do is be affectionate. I told him he needs to back off with sex etc which he has slightly but still going at me 🙁 he walked out (detail removed by Moderator) to work in a mood urgh why cant things be easy xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Gazebo,

These abusive men are so similar!
We aren’t sex machines.
My ex totally turned me off by the way he behaved and treated me. He would then be even more abusive and say rude things about why I didn’t desire sex with him. He couldn’t take the blame. It had to be my fault. The truth is, I actually desired passion, but thinking of him that way totally burned out any flame I had.
My ex would go around telling people I didn’t have sex with him, even though he made me have it with him regularly.
I finally told him I wasn’t going to anymore. This is when men can get dangerous. So please be careful.
In my case, my ex worked really hard on his ‘smear campaign’ against me instead of becoming physically violent.
Don Hennessy in ‘How He Gets Into Her Head’ is the one who says abusive men have even killed their partners when they deny sex. I’m not trying to scare you. Just want to keep you informed.
I really do hope the best for you and your future xx

[Gazebo]

Thank you ocean. Glad you managed to escape it can I ask how long you put up with it? I’m still struggling he thinks we’re all ok and trying to make things work…he moans I’m not affectionate enough and I’ve told him I can’t give him that because of the way I feel right now and every night this week he’s sat on the floor next to me touching my knee holding my hand, then asking when we’re having sex I couldn’t literally cry every time this happens he hits doesn’t back off even though he promises to and this morning he’s sent me a pic of me (detail removed by moderator) – just my face but it freaks me out a bit 🙁 xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Gazebo,

I probably can’t say how long I stayed, as the details will be removed. But I think I can get away with saying it lasted over a decade. I felt violated and mistreated for years, but he managed to make me take the blame for our problems. He also used my past to blame me for not wanting sex. He would say I controlled sex in our marriage, because I said no and decided when we would have sex. The truth is, I regularly had sex when I didn’t want to. Probably about 99% of the times we had sex. My ex also surrounded us with people who supported him, which kept me under his power and unable to escape. The people he surrounded us with would say his behaviour would improve if I just had sex with him. We were having sex 3 to 4 times a week! They are so manipulative. I don’t know how he got people to think that his abuse was related to me denying sex. People who don’t understand abuse blame the victims and support abusers all the time.
After I left the relationship, I was so disgusted by any thought of sex. It took time to recover. Now I feel like I could be in a relationship again.
Your partner with the pictures creeps me out. I’m willing to guess he knows how negatively this effects you, and enjoys making you feel that way. Or maybe I’m just presuming because that is how my ex was. I always had consequences for not having sex. What kind of person punishes someone fore not having sex with them? It’s really twisted.
Sorry, I rambled a bit.
I really hope it gets better for you.
xx

[Living Warrior]

hi hun, you are a very brave lady.
i have children, they are still young, i left my ex, (detail removed by moderator) ago, and it was the best thing i ever did. It took me many many years to pluck up the courage to do it myself, i didnt see the relationship as abuse either. so i just put up with it “for the sake of the kids” my problem was, that it started effecting the kids, and professionals started to see, basically cutting a long story short, by me staying, ( and thinking i was doing right) i was letting that man damage me & my children, and the guilt i felt from that was unbareable, still is some days, but now i know that we all just try our best to survive, we do what we think is right with the knowledge we have at the time & no one can blame anyone for that, but my advice to myself if i could go back, or to anyone else in this situation, would be to get out as soon as possible.
It is hard, the hardest thing i have ever had to do, i had to sleep on the floor with a blanket for 6 months because i had nothing and used everything i could to make sure the kids were as “normal” as possible, i bought their stuff first, as i tried to save the money i could, i went to charities for certain things, had other things from friends, anything to survive, and (detail removed by moderator) later- i can remember the pain, the fear, the heartache, but i now see the courage and the strength and i am so proud of myself, i knew that i would leave one way or another, on my own with kids, or in a box leaving them at the mercy of a tirant.
i chose to leave on my terms. i got help from my local council and womens aid, and school nurse, and i got out!
i was no where near my own family, and i had no one other than a couple of friends and my kids..
i know how hard it is, but if i can do it, anyone can 🙂

[Author]

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