4th June 2021 at 12:26 am #126640
Hi, this is my first post and I think I’m finally ready to open up.
I’ve been separated from my ex for numerous years now. We have a child and I’ve moved on, been with my partner years and we share a child too. I’d like to say that despite moving on, things were great, but then I’d be kidding myself.
My ex is a n********t – plain and simple. It’s taken me years to even find the courage to realise that the issue isn’t with me (despite him trying to do everything in his power to make me believe it was). He constantly tries to degrade me as a mother, he’s tried to tarnish my character, he’s made out to whoever that will listen to him that I’m this crazy person, yet all I want is for him to leave me alone and to not even bother talking to me.
At any opportunity he reports me to whatever authority he can, making up lies, trying to get my child taken away from me. At times it makes me wonder what did I ever see in him?
He uses my child as a way of controlling me, withholding my child when he’s meant to handover, stopping my child from having a social life and then flipping it on me as though I’ve done something wrong.
He’s tried to come on between my relationship, turn my family and friends against me. He’s accused me of some crazy things yet makes out to everyone else that I’m the problem!
At times I feel quite alone, at times I feel as though I’m not listened to or supported. I’ve tried to seek professional help and I just feel as though no one cares. I try to put on a hard shell, more for protection but at times I just want to break down and cry.
This week has been a very trying week and for the first time, I’ve decided to pluck up some courage and post, just to let it all out.
If you’ve managed to make it to the end, thank you. This outlet was very much needed!
4th June 2021 at 9:24 am #126647Gym mamaParticipant
Hi lovely, I just want to say I have felt and still feel exactly the same as you. Its hard to keep strong sometimes, I have days when I don’t want to face the day but I’ve got my little humans that need their mum. If you want a chat you can send me a message if you like. I think it’s always good to speak about things or even if it’s just to have a bit of a rant.
4th June 2021 at 11:39 am #126658
Hi Gym mama,
Thank you for reading my post. I really appreciate it. I can totally relate, my kids are the one constant that help me to get through the day, if anything just for them. They’ve saved me more than they realise. Thank you for your support. I hope your well x
4th June 2021 at 11:34 am #126657EggshellsParticipant
Welcome to the forum.
First of all, many congratulations on getting out.
Im so sorry to hear that he is still causing you all of these problems, so many years later. He does sound like a typical narc. So vindictive.
Please ask your family to block him from everything. He shouldn’t be having contact with them at all. Your true friends will also block him from phones, social media, the lot. In order to make a clean break, you cannot share a social circle. This will mean that you lose some friends – that is not a bad thing though, it sorts the wheat from the chaff.
For child access, are you able to use a 3rd party to make arrangements so that you don’t have to have any contact with him at all?
I think it is hard for outsiders to understand abuse, even professionals. People can learn about abuse in psychology degrees, books, tutorials etc but to really understand how it feels often takes first hand experience. It is hard to empathise with this level of dysfunction if it has never come within the realms of personal experience.
I’m so pleased that you found the confidence to post – huge respect to you as I know it takes courage.
The ladies on here really get it. They will listen and where possible and appropriate, they will offer advice.
Have you had any counselling or been involved in any recovery programmes?
4th June 2021 at 11:50 am #126659
Thank you for reading my post, truly appreciated.
We thankfully don’t have the same friendship group, anyone associated with him I got rid of a long time ago. Majority of my family don’t like him, now they can see through his bs. I’ve got to a point where social media wise I don’t bother to post a lot of things, feel as though I’ve shut down a lot, quite private if anything just because I don’t want him finding a way to use anything against me, at times I feel quite isolated and it’s becoming the norm for me which I don’t like (lockdown probably hasn’t helped).
I currently go through third party which is a family member who has basically watched me go through it all, and is very supportive in helping which helps to take me out of the situation. Unfortunately at times he will try and get me involved, think this is a control tactic for him. Finding it difficult at the min as he’s got my child and the only way I can have contact to check in is through him which I’m very anxious about. Part of me is like don’t do it but the mother in me wants to make sure my child is ok.
I use to attend counselling which I felt helped for a time and I felt quite on top of everything but recently, I think Ive been triggered which brought me to post, to finally reach out for a bit of support from people who have and are still going through this. People who can actually relate, as like you said outsiders don’t always understand it.
At first I didn’t understand or recognise it was abuse, I questioned and doubted myself a lot.
I’ve not tried any recovery programmes, wasn’t even aware there was such a thing.
Thank you for your advice, it’s truly appreciated. From the posts I’ve seen, the ladies seem very helpful and supportive, which is really nice to see x
4th June 2021 at 12:44 pm #126661EggshellsParticipant
It sounds as though you have done amazingly well to cut him out if your life.
Yhe Freedom Programme is a recovery programme that is recommended frequently on here. Some local authorities run it, you can buy it from Amazon to work from at home or Darcy recently recommended “Rachel Williams Freedom Programme”. I haven’t tried it yet but its an online Freedom Programme and she also does drop in sessions so that women can just meet and chat. It might be worth a look. xx
4th June 2021 at 12:54 pm #126662
Thank you for the advice, I’ll definitely look into it xx
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