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    • #169320
      Blossom24
      Participant

      Sorry this is a bit long, but just after someone elses take on his behaviour, whether it’s acceptable or not, opinions and advice. This is just the things I could think off of the top of my head, I could certainly reel off more
      In the beginning he was lovely, attentive, romantic, good with my girls, everything I’d dreamed of… now…
      – calls/texts everyday to see where I am, who’s there etc.
      – I used to get daily calls asking if I was dressed yet (I’m up first nowadays) where were the kids, were the blinds shut ((detail removed by Moderator))
      – When I’ve confronted his controlling behaviour he says he doesn’t mean it he knows it’s his issue (paranoia/insecurires) but says he can’t do anything about it
      – I’ve had to throw away clothes he doesn’t approve of, really consider his opinion when buying anything, get his pre-approval before wearing anything new and god forbid I should mention a bikini
      – I don’t go out a lot but when I do there’s always hurdles to jump first
      – Me and (detail removed by Moderator) decided to buy each other a (detail removed by Moderator) for Xmas. When I told him he shut down, went moody and didn’t talk to me for a week. Same again when (detail removed by Moderator) mentioned it, same again when I bought the voucher same again when (detail removed by Moderator) mentioned setting a date. All this an d I have t even got there yet- I’m wondering if (detail removed by Moderator) is worth the hassle
      – I really have to plan when I mention things to him to gauge his mood and reaction and he’s always got an opinion or his own input
      – Me and my friend are (detail removed by Moderator) this year so planned a day out together, he threw a hissy fit straight off demanding to know details which I didn’t have at that point. Telling me im not going on a train and I’m not getting a taxi and I’ll have to be home by (detail removed by Moderator) so he can pick me up without disturbing the little ones too much
      – Wherever I go he questions how many men are there, how many were looking at me? Because I’m not out looking for attention I don’t take any notice and he says I’m lying or only telling him what he wants to hear
      – I probably should say in (detail removed by Moderator) after a few drinks we stayed in (detail removed by Moderator), during the night he was weeping on the worktop so I tried to stop him and he threw me across the (detail removed by Moderator). This is the only time he has been remotely ‘violent.’
      – he says he doesn’t know what he’d do if I left him, probably end it (his words)
      – I’ve been forced to perform on him and if I don’t he sulks or says ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ sorry tmi
      – There no way on this earth he’d allow to stay over night anywhere without him
      – I work (detail removed by Moderator) hour days and do everything round the house, with the kids etc but he’ll openly brand me lazy and say I c**k things up and forget things
      – I’m forbidden from getting a piercing or tattoo because he doesn’t like them
      – I have to take it when he’s shouting/ranting at me but as soon as I bite back he tells me that I’m on one
      – he’s also very grumpy a lot of the time, drinks every night and just isn’t any fun.
      We’re not particularly interested in the same things but he’ll always insist on tagging along (to make sure I’m safe) rather than let me enjoy it with anyone else, a music event for example
      Thanks ☺️

    • #169321
      Indeepindance
      Participant

      Welcome Blossom24,

      Don’t worry about how long it is, what you’ve been through sounds like a lot.

      I’m no expert but can tell this is an abusive relationship. Having to know your whereabouts and blinds shut reminds me of my ex and we get sleepwalked into thinking these things are normal and caring I think. He was obviously aware of his issues (mine would never admit that and cleverly kept the spotlight on me) but it doesn’t make it any better when he’s not attempting to correct those behaviours.

      The fact you’re second guessing whether to make social arrangements and when to tell him shows you’re deeply affected by his conditioning which is very abusive. You should feel encouraged and supported.

      Being forbidden to do anything as a grown adult is massive control issue and should not be happening. You should be allowed to make your own decisions and if he’s not happy about it he should leave or get some professional help.

      My ex also got riled about other men looking at me and it was embarrassing to say the least when he would say something to them. I tried to tell him we didn’t need to worry about other people because we loved each other, but he would call it a matter of respect, as if I had some control over what other people did.

      Violence is violence I’m afraid and I’d say once is too often. Sexual coercion as well is extremely serious and shows he has no respect for your personal space, feelings, body, or boundaries, despite laying down multiple boundaries of his own.

      And the ranting is abusive especially when coupled with the double-standards.

      I hope this helps in some way, I know how confusing it can feel and difficult to confront or fix. I would recommend getting away from this man for a good deal of time too see whether he would be serious in addressing the issues he has, but even then I would be cautious especially as you have children who are effectively suffering abuse by being witness to this.

      Not easy though so keep talking.

      Xxxxx

      • #169322
        Blossom24
        Participant

        Thank you for your reply. ☺️
        It has given me some clarity as I know deep down it’s not right and I’m not asking to go on weekend long benders, I’m not overly extroverted so he has no reason to have stipulations or distrust.
        I just want to be able to adult.
        I also want my children to see what a health relationship should look like.

        Do you mind me asking how you went about splitting with your ex?
        I’ve got a separate bank account, a job, just not sure what to do about the living arrangements?
        He’s certainly not going to go willingly and I don’t think living together but not being together is going to work.
        Should I try to sort out a rental house in the interim?

    • #169327
      Indeepindance
      Participant

      Hi Blossom24,

      I’m really glad that’s helped, like you say your own instincts are spot on, you know by that knot in your stomach, but hearing someone else’s reaction to your experience is often what we need. It can be quite a shock!

      And you know what, if you wanted to do all-weekend benders with your mates that would be fine too! As long as the relationship feels equal, supportive, non-judgemental and no-one is being irresponsible or hurting the other deliberately. It’s about honest respectful communication, compromise, trust and acceptance.

      If he doesn’t like your activities, then he’s chosen the wrong partner (because you’ve done nothing wrong). He has no right to demand you change- that is up to you but I can assure you it won’t stop there.

      You’ve got your eyes wide open and are thinking about your children- you’ve got this.

      I don’t know the details of your living arrangements but I had to find lodgings as had been in his home when I left. Depending on your circumstances you may be able to get financial support and emergency accommodation if you need it. I would be cautious about letting him know your plans or asking him to leave, just to clear a safe exit for you all.

      Do you have trusted friends or family that could help in any way whilst you find somewhere? There will be people on this forum who can signpost you to support services too.

      I agree with you that living apart and staying together won’t work, you’ll still feel trapped and monitored, so a clean break would probably be for the best.

      Keep talking as there’s a wealth of experience here that has helped me massively at my lowest points.

      Xxxxx

    • #169334
      Blossom24
      Participant

      Thank you Indeepindance you have been so kind to take your time to reply.
      (detail removed by Moderator) things escalated a bit and I’ve really had my eyes opened.
      He asked my daughter to do something she had a bit of attitude and he stated shouting at her and saying mean things and when I try to talk to him he says he disagrees, I’m wrong and won’t listen to reason. She has also really opened up to me about him and how the ‘(detail removed by Moderator) throw’ has really affected her etc.
      I know I really need to go.
      (detail removed by Moderator) is away at the moment for (detail removed by Moderator) so wondering whether to go there, but don’t know what my next step is at the mo.

      It’s really helped having someone who understands and advice etc to thank you so much ☺️

    • #169336
      Indeepindance
      Participant

      Blossom24 I’m so sorry to hear that, I think going to (detail removed by Moderator) is a good idea and will give you space in your mind to think about next steps.

      Try to deal with things one at a time and focus on getting somewhere more permanent for you and your children to live. Everything else can wait until you’re settled.

      It’s great your daughter felt able to speak to you, so that you can be sure how this is affecting her too. Good luck with the next stage and keep talking, take care.

      Xxxxx

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