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    • #51764
      Starsbright
      Participant

      Hi, I joined the forum some time ago but haven’t posted before. I left my husband a (detail removed by moderator) ago but had nowhere to go so had to go back. (detail removed by moderator) he strongly suggested he had taken an overdose then left the house at midnight. I didn’t know what do do but eventually called the police as I was worried about him. He then came back and the police came and he was telling them that I am a n****r. This is just the last in a string of events and I feel like I just don’t know where to turn. There’s so much more that I can’t weote at the moment. My head just can’t deal with it all maybe he’s right and I am a n****r

    • #51765
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hello and welcome. You are not a n****r. Youre being abused. Google gaslighting. My ex did this to me and it drove me suicidal. I thought i was losing my mind. Its not you, its him. Perhaps you can get a place in a womens refuge until you get back on your feet. Ring the helpline number on here. Are you working? Can you rent a room from someone? I managed to escape with the help of womens aid. They were fantastic x

    • #51771
      Starsbright
      Participant

      Thank you for your reply. When I left before I took my dog so I couldn’t go to a refuge as they don’t allow dogs. My dog is almost part of me and I cannot risk leaving him behind as my husband has threatened to kill him. I also am very attached and couldn’t face being parted from him. I don’t have a job either so no income. I registered for council housing and there us a possible property I might be able to have and get housing benefit but no income for food or bills. I feel trapped and keep trying to make it work at home but somehow I cant

    • #51772
      KIP.
      Participant

      My ex used to hurt my dog. Kick punch and throw him and I feel awful that I stayed. I just didn’t see a way out. I had no idea what Domestic Abuse was. But I do now and you can bet your husband is abusing your dog already. There are food banks until,you get on your feet. Can you rent a room out in your new place to help with bills? Abusers are pathalogical liars and will use any weakness we have told them about. There are dog charities that will foster pets until you’re safe and have a place. Ring your local WA and ask x you deserve better x

    • #51774
      KIP.
      Participant

      Could you make a little money dog walking. My local service charge £10 hour and if your out with your own dog anyway. For years I found any excus to stay. I was waiting on that ‘get out of jail free card’ which was an assault and arrest. Now I realise I never did have to wait for that. I could just have walked out that door if I hadn’t been so mentally abused x

    • #51833
      Ayanna
      Participant

      I am sure you can do a job. Look for work that you think you can do whilst you pester the council for a flat.
      Your own income will also boost your confidence.

    • #51853
      Starsbright
      Participant

      I have health problems which means I haven’t been able to work for the last few years. I was on PIP but they reviewed it and decided I don’t qualify any more so I have had no money since (month removed by moderator). If I did manage a part time job wouldn’t they just stop the housing benefit so I could still have no money for food? At least where I am I have food and a roof over my head. It’s so hard! He’s on his best behaviour again at the moment

      • #51963
        duvetday
        Participant

        Hi Starsbright, so sorry to hear about your situation.. Just on the benefits front, are you able to appeal against your pip decision? Just cos I did and a huge percentage of people who get turned down actually have their decision reversed when they appeal/go to tribunal…I was getting help with mine from a local charity.. also you may be eligible either for jsa or esa. Definitely look into this like Lisa said. There are agencies out there who can help with this. Tbh loads of women don’t leave an abusive partner cos they think they won’t cope on their own financially but actually you can. Good luck x

    • #51854
      Tiffany
      Participant

      You might have fewer health problems once you are away. I have a chronic illness, which I assumed was going to rule my life forever. I had it before I met my abuser and I didn’t think he was impacting that. But continual stress and anxiety also put a huge strain on your body. And if your abuser is anything like mine was he may well also be making it hard for you to manage your health condition. I left this year, and it turns out that I am incredibly good at managing my condition and that without the strain and anxiety I am much more well and able to work in a way I just couldn’t have imagined a year ago.

      If a refuge is the way you want to go I believe that there is a charity which fosters dogs for women going into refuges. Otherwise pursue the council route. Like others have said, there are foodbanks and you would also qualify for some other benefits if you qualify for housing benefit. Even if it was only jobseekers. There is a way out.

    • #51863
      fridges
      Participant

      From my personal experience – the roof over the head and food, is not worth if of constant abuse. You will find the way to sort the things. You plan to live him, if you will get the housing, you can slowly take the food from the house, like rice, sugar, tea, these things and keep by friend. Create food storage for the next few weeks, when you just left him. Until you figure out, how to earn some money. With part time job, you will be able to earn for food. Remember, one step at time.
      I have a friend who looks after other people dogs, and she lives very comfortable. 24h for one dog, she gets 30£ for looking after. She takes 2/3 of them at the same time.

    • #51864
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Starsbright,

      Welcome to the forum! I am so pleased to see that you are getting some good support here. I just wanted to say please do try to find a safe time to call the helpline. You do have options and the helpline can help you to safely plan what might be the best route for you. It is very common for abusive men to suggest that they are thinking about hurting themselves in order to try to keep you worried about them and under their control, it is a manipulation technique. If you want some guidance as to what benefits you might be entitled to then please have a look at http://www.turn2us.org.uk as it has a very helpful benefits calculator. You can also find your local Women’s Aid group on this site under the ‘find help locally section’ so you could make an appointment with them in the New Year. The Freedom Project can arrange for your dog to be fostered is you do wish to access a refuge, you can find information here- http://www.dogstrustfreedomproject.org.uk/.

      I really hope this will be the start of your journey to freedom. We will all be with you every step of the way.

      Best wishes,

      Lisa
      Forum Moderator

    • #51935
      Starsbright
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your replies and mmomg me feel welcome. I’ve just realised that this is just supposed to be about introducing yourself so I will leave this here and maybe post on an appropriate section. Thanks x

    • #51950
      IrisAtwood
      Participant

      Just wanted to say hi and welcome Starbright. I am fairly new too.

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