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My head is spinning from all the things I have to sort out, from the exhaustion of it all. But I am so glad I am free. This Christmas is the first proper one I’ve spent without him since we got together (detail removed by moderator) ago. I know (detail removed by moderator) doesn’t sound like a very long time and in the grand scheme of things I suppose it isn’t. But this Christmas has been the most lovely happy Christmas. He would usually sulk all morning because he would be woken up early by our daughter so he’d either sit downstairs and sulk or he’d say he was too tired and go back to bed. Now I’m thinking about it, all he ever did was lie in bed most of the time. I think I can count on one hand how many times he got up with our daughter in (detail removed by moderator). He’d always say he needed more sleep than me and would tell me off or get angry if I came upstairs to get something and he was in bed. I’m going off on a tangent now.
This Christmas is my first one being properly free and I’ve loved every second. I’m starting to really see everything from an outside point of view. What once felt normal to me, now I can see is totally wrong. Last Christmas he threatened to kill me. He said (detail removed by moderator). I remember him shaking with rage, the insane look on his face, deranged almost. I remember how scared and upset I was. I remember crying. He apologised in the end and we ended up popping up to his mums to see his family. He ignored me most of the time, I tried to feel happy but even though I was surrounded by people I felt so lonely. There was an atmosphere that didn’t feel right, no love, no affection. His family tread on egg shells with him. He calls his brothers and sisters the most awful abusive names (detail removed by moderator) and his mum does absolutely nothing to stop him. There was one time where we had no (detail removed by moderator) in the house that he liked so he absolutely lost it. (Detail removed by moderator) of his sisters were round and he called them terrible insulting names, (detail removed by moderator) and he was saying derogatory things about her. In the end I took them and left the house because he kept following us shouting. I told his mum what had happened and she said something non commital about his language being bad. She bows down to every single thing he says even if it’s absolutely insane. It’s embarrassing and awful to write. He always said he wasn’t abusive cause he didn’t hit me, he said I had it lucky.
There was none of that this Christmas though, I sat and watched a film I used to watch when I’d dream of being free from him. There was so much happiness, calmness and laughter this Christmas. I am so so glad he wasn’t part of it. -
What a wonderful posts and I hope it gives hope to those who are stuck in the fog of abuse. It all becomes normal to us and our headspace is taken up trying to appease and avoid another outburst. His entitled behaviour is appalling and just like his family I bet you were drawn into his game of appeasing him. Nasty selfish men. I truly believe we are everything without them and they are nothing without us. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Wishing you many more happy safe Christmases to come. Make new memories to replace the c**p ones he left you with x
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Thankyou KIP x I’m looking forward to enjoying other occasions now without him tarnishing them with his moods, outbursts and temper tantrums. slowly I hope one day that I will be able to enjoy every single day. I was definitely caught up I trying to keep his moods at bay. I often thought I should just be a quiet submissive partner and not stand up to him just so it didn’t cause arguments in when my daughter was around. I would always try and keep conversation light and airy if we were out in public so as not to enrage him and if I felt his outburst about to happen I’d try and change the subject so as to distract him hoping that he’d forget how angry he really was. The fog has well and truly lifted now and I feel like I’m in charge of my own happiness and my own life, something that I haven’t done since (detail removed by moderator) x
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My first Christmas without him too. I thought alot about the ladies on here and that I’m, not the only one. Peace was the beautiful theme for this Christmas. No dramas, tempers, sulking over tiny things. An aura of lightness at home this Christmas. Last Christmas I said to him all I want for Christmas is for him not to make me cry on Christmas day, just one day. He didn’t manage to not be horrible to me and make me cry. This Christmas no one was horrible to me and no crying. 🙂
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Hi Rockandrolldreamscomethrough,
That’s fantastic to hear and will give hope to all of those ladies who are still stuck.
I’d love to share my xmas experience but I think it might be identifying. However, I can say, I was surrounded by those I love and it was a very relaxed and happy day without him or his judgemental family to spoil it.
I hope your new year brings plenty more of those wonderful firsts without him; this is just the beginning of a whole new life which you can live your way. xx
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Thankyou so much for the support. It really is shocking how much their families are abused by them too. One of his brothers once stood up for me when my ex had had one of his outbursts at me. Ex accused us of having an affair, because no normal people can stand up for someone unless they are having an affair right (eye roll) He then banned his brother from the house. I once found messages on his phone from his mum defending his behaviour (detail removed by moderator). I’m just so glad I don’t have to deal with any of that anymore. I know that it won’t be an easy road but I hope one day whether it be in a year or 10 years I will be truly happy and healed.
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