First step is the biggest

[1 non blonde]

Hi all. I hope you are all ok today.
I am in a bad marriage. Not been beaten but, shouted at, insulted, taken advantage of and belittled. There are good times too. But bad times are a bit too bad that overcome the good ones. I dont love him anymore and I want to finish this. But as he states in every fight, he will make me leave, and he wont leave.
Recently he had another rage attack. And i did something I never did before. I went to the police. I didn’t eat anything that day because of nerves.(detail removed by moderator)
I pay the mortgage and most of the bills. I take care of 99% of childcare. He is a loving father but he doesn’t do much.
My single overwhelming feeling is this guilt. I feel I have done a major unnecessary thing by going to the police. Feeling like a cheat and a traitor .
I am also very scared of the future , of whatvwill happen when we finish .. I cannot afford a lawyer and I dont have relatives I can stay with.
What really happens? Can anyone tell me about the day 1 ?
Thanks..

[KIP.]

Hey, you’ve absolutely done the right thing. Think of a friend telling you about the way you’ve been treated. What would your advice be to her? To get out of a dysfunctional dangerous relationship. No man is a good father who abuses the mother of his children. Abusers use the FOG of abuse. The Fear Obligation and Guilt. Guilt is a huge tool for the abuser. They brainwash and program us with guilt but the truth is he chooses to behave this way. He is responsible for his own actions and he is most definitely not your responsibility. There’s so much evidence now about the damage done to children from an abusive home. It can affect them into adulthood. Have you contacted your local woman’s aid? victim Support? You’re in a good position financially and you’re more than capable of looking after your children. Rights of Women offer free legal advice over the phone and most solicitorS will give you a free initial consultation. The main thing is to get him away from you and the family home. He is a liar and manipulator and if he can he will have you removed from the family home and leave you with nothing. Remember this when you begin to feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I bet you have given him chance after chance. There is a national domestic abuse helpline that can give you further advice.

[Lisa]

Good morning 1nonblonde, welcome to the forum. I am sure you will find it supportive. KIP has already offered some great support and information.

You can find out more about Rights of Women here. They are very experienced around around domestic abuse and offer free legal information through their Family Law advice line.

Do think about getting some support in place to help you work through what you want to do next. Women’s Aid also have a Live Chat which is available weekday mornings.

Best wishes

Lisa

[1 non blonde]

Thanks Kip and Lisa.
I will contact Women’s aid and Rights of women . I need to built my confidence, I noticed that over the years, everytime he shouted at me , my heart broke a little more and when he filled the dishwasher I was happy again. This up and down is messing with my personality. I don’t know what I would be like, if I was on my own.. going shopping without someone sulking or snappy to me stopping to gaze at a pair of earrings for example.
I reckon i would be a great woman! On my own, going on holiday, staying on a beach till sun goes down.. not being dragged away early..chose the best seat in a restaurant, and if I dont like, changing my table.Not be told to ‘ stay where you are’!
Would be great to listen to myself again..

[Lemmy]

I live with my partner and we have a son. I feel I’m waking up from a bad dream even when I’m awake. Everyday there is something: a put down,undermining,asserting certain derogatory facts about my personality: I’m messy, don’t listen properly, uses words like dirty and disgusting when talking about me or the room I spend time in. He undermines stuff I do in the house in minute detail : making a cup of tea, making dinner: one or the most gruelling experiences ( because it’s so dull) is that he makes us wait for him to join us for dinner, 10 ,15 mins on average sometimes more. Sounds petty? But it comes from a whole raft of stuff which starts with having a melt down at the mess I make when preparing food, going mad if it’s not on time, not coming to the table on time even after complaining that we are eating too late, sniffing the platesfor smell, a hair on the plate, I don’t do vegetables (or whatever the food is) he says, too much mess left afterwards. All under threat of walking out leaving us to feel awful.wheres daddy? My little boy says.of course this list of stuff doesn’t all happen at once, but sometimes quite a lot of it and other times just one thing.
I notice it all cos it hurts and it’s stressful plus I realise that if I’m the tiniest bit resistant or make a comment he’ll kick off.
Today I decided to say something after our son went to bed but I didn’t. It was clear in my mind what I had to say. Instead I felt a barrier like a grey wall just stop me. It felt like fear but I wasn’t that frightened, I couldn’t quite see myself, like I’d run out of steam, like there is nothing there.
He is also rewarding my son for small betrayals of me. He is (detail removed by moderator) and loves me dearly. But tells tales on me to his father, criticises me in a simular way to his father. It is also obvious to me that my son needs me to be there for him and love him despite these mini betrayals.
Lockdown heightens all this. As we have to be together 24/7. No school no work means we have to be together with my partner. There is no respite. His moods swing daily:he is sunny and positive: he is depressed and does nothing: he is bitter and full of contempt. He finds it hard to come to terms with a new routine and says no or isn’t interested in any help I offer.
How on earth am I going to get out of this? At the moment it’s happening? During the lockdown? After the lockdown? And how do I unpick my son from his father, who daily seems to be holding my little boy closer to him.

[KIP.]

I’m on my own and I love it. Especially with the coronavirus. It’s amazing being able to stay in bed if I feel like it. To watch what I like on TV. I’ve holidayed with my sister and friend many times. Abusers just drag us down x

[Bonzo]

Hi, I am in a marriage which is exactly the same. All of our children are old enough to fend for themselves but the guilt he makes me feel daily is unreal. I work full time (at the moment at home) but yet I am still expected to cook and clean and look after him and the children which are still at home. I can’t spend any of my wages without him scrutinising every single penny, yet when he wants something he just gets it. I have planned for years to leave him but everytime I do he does something nice and I stay. It’s a vicious circle which I just cannot seem to break. For years and years I have felt like this because of his snide remarks and his put downs. He doesn’t take me out, I’ve lost all of my friends and family because he doesn’t like them. He follows me to check up on me. Drives by where ever I say I’m going to make sure I’m there. He checks my phone calls (the contract is in his name). Everything! I have tried committing suicide (detail removed by moderator) but he found me. Made me feel guilty for that too saying I was a selfish b***h for trying it. I just cannot take it any longer. I’ve been to women’s aid but again feel guilty because he hasn’t hit me or abused me. He has only shouted at me and made me feel small and stupid. So I feel there are so many more women in much worse situations that I don’t want to take up their space in a refuge. I have gone from being an outgoing, chatty, social person to becoming a shell of my former self. I’m an itelligent woman so you would think I could sort this situation out but I have nothing left anymore. No confidence, no fight, nothing. I’m sorry to of gone on, I don’t mean to drag anyone else down. I apologise. Please ignore me, I just has to get this off my chest.

[BraveStrongSmart]

Hey Bonzo, I understand how you are feeling! My ex boyfriend was similar but then he turned physical. Any degrading behaviour is abusive if it makes you feel negative or in a different way than normal.
He is emotionally, mentally and psychologically abusing you!
Do not feel guilty or ashamed by gaining the help that you need and rightfully deserve!

Hope you get what you need hun!
Much love xx

[HazelnutTruffle]

Hi
This is my first time on this forum so I’m saying hello.
My husband and I were happy until around 18 months ago when he began what became a habit of drinking at home on a regular basis. He would be at home with our children whilst I was at work and be intoxicated and not understand what the problem was as in his head ‘he was fine’. When I returned from work this would often spark a row. I would find him comatosed on the floor or in a chair, not in any fit state should one of the kids need him. These episodes became more frequent. The following days when sober he would act like nothing happened and like everything was fine. He suffers with anxiety, he is sensitive, very insecure and requires regular reassurance which is wearing. He has also self harmed.

Five weeks ago I returned from work and for the first time he physically abused me. I challenged him about why he was drunk and he threw me out of the front door and fought with me outside the house. My older child witnessed some of this as I was shouting to him to call police. I managed to re-enter the house and call police myself. My husband was subsequently arrested and charged.

Now, he appears to be extremely remorseful and thoroughly ashamed of his behaviour. He is actively seeking help for alcohol abstinence and also general counselling. (He is not an alcoholic as can go days without drinking but still clearly needs help.)

There were 20-30 occasions prior to this incident where I felt anxious/scared etc. I kept believing he would seek help but then never did until now. I really want to believe this has been his wake up call. I have decided I am going to give him ONE chance and he is moving back home today. He has promised he is never going to drink again, ever. I want to try to rebuild our family but feel really anxious that he’s going to let us down. I keep thinking I don’t want to be left feeling like a mug for giving him that chance only to be proved wrong. I know he is going to return today all happy and think he can pick up where we left off before he started drinking. At the moment I don’t trust him and won’t leave the children alone with him whilst I go to work. This puts pressure on family members to help us out and this makes me feel bad too. I don’t know how long I should give him to prove himself before trusting him with the children. I am really an anxious about it all.

Anyway I think I’ve gone on long enough, if anyone has any helpful input I’d be most grateful, thanks.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Bonzo, I was the same as you. Didn’t want to take up a refugee accommodation as I felt I wasn’t as bad off as other ladies. Had the exact same scenario, had to account where I spent my money, was told I was spending it on rubbish, whatever, yet he could spend on anything and whatever amount as it was his money. My oh wasn’t physical as such, didn’t have to be, as he’d hit me twice previously but the knowledge of what he was capable of, how vicious he was to our dogs was enough to keep me with him much longer then I should have. The fear of not knowing what comes after leaving is what keeps us there. I’m hoping to set up an after leaving support group with the ladies ive made friends with to work alongside WA support workers. It’s on hold at the moment, as is just about everything else in the world, never mind the uk😏
You deserve being free of abuse as do we all. Just because he doesn’t physically hit you, doesn’t mean he’s not hurting you as badly as if he was. As they gain in confidence with their behaviours so it escalates.
Stay safe, prepare for the worst, then it won’t take you by surprise.
IWMB

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