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hi everyone. I am new to this. Well, I have read lots of topics but never wrote on myself so here I go! I am in an emotionally abusive relationship – which I realise after about (detail removed by moderator) (since the birth of my beautiful little girl) . The twist with my situation is that I am the bread winner – own the house, work every hour and have control of all the finances etc. He on the other hand wont/cant work or help in any way financially – he barely leaves the house, has no real friends and hates his family to boot (who are all also scared of his anger). Hes really depressed but refuses to admit it – Im the one who has all the issues- its me! (according to him). He was at uni for a while of which I supported him though – he tried it for 6 weeks then left – like everything else – and I continue to let him. H literally sits in our house abusing me and pretending to be busy moving stuff around his music studio which I paid for over the years . He likes telling me Im hopeless, and idiot and a bad mum..and guess what I do? Nothing. He controls the lot as Im am petrified of calling him out on it – as he will irrupt into a rage like you have never seen (well I guess maybe you have) I’ve only just started to open up about the reality of my life. And it hurts. Because someone like me who could have everything has actually nothing – its all a mirage. So thats me in a very small Nutshell. It embarrassing and shameful. Oh to have the courage to kick him out..I haven’t by the way. and I dont think he would ever leave anyway. Hes firmly routed in the house. He will never leave it. not even to nip the corner shop.
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Hi there,
Welcome to the forum, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in. There is definitely another life available for you and the good news is you are the breadwinner so getting rid of him should be easier. You could have him forcibly removed from the house since he has no legal right to it, or just change the locks when he is out. Sounds harsh but he is treating you abusively and sounds like he is draining the life out of you. I would ring the helpline and your local service to get some support and advice. Don’t feel you have to put up with this, you deserve an abuse free life like everyone else.
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Thankyou. I called a local charity and a lovely lady told me the same. I just need to find the courage – and thats what I am stuggling with. oh and I work till 7pm most nights so I rely on childcare from him too. I have got a new job starting in the new year where I can work from home. Which (even though he will be there) I should be able to get some control back of my house and my daughter. then I will have to take these steps… its just until then I need to keep trucking on.. And Im hoping talking on here is going to help .. I think it already is. I dont feel so alone. Thanks!!
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This was me! literally, I was the earner, house owner etc etc. Also, the abuse started after my little girl was born, and I’ve now (several years later) been diagnosed with post natal depression because of him being so controlling when she was little. I ended up (not so long ago now) having a solicitor serve him a letter about how he was no longer to come in my house and then I changed the locks. It was a shock to him, obviously, but the only way I was going to get him out without having to call the police (which I had done several times before but he always guilted me into coming back).
He also has no friends and he and his family aren’t close, they only speak to each other when the other has something to offer. None of them work because they can’t be bothered and don’t have the right attitude towards having a job. He himself cannot keep hold of a job for more than a few days (a week at most).
I also relied on him for childcare, wrongly, because he was emotionally abusive towards our daughter as well, who is now suffering because of this. There are always solutions to childcare, childminders, nurseries etc, you will get help with that financially from tax credits.
Anyway, my reason for commenting on your post is to let you know that you CAN break free, it’s all possible and you have the upper hand. I’ve done it, with a few hiccups along the way and I’m (and my little girl) still recovering but we’re getting there.
Stay strong. x
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Thankyou so much for your response. The fact you share so much in common with me makes me feel like Im not the only one. Its so hard when family try to help… they just say “chuck him out” which I know is right but its more complicated than that. Im hoping the changes I have put into place in the new year means this will be a possibility. He has now had confirmation that his university fully support him taking a break from his studies! (he only managed 6weeks) hes blamed the death of his father and the stress he has at home (me) for not being able to concentrate. So what now? What does he expect to happen? to sit at home and have no financial responsibility what so ever while I worry myself to the ground with this new job!? Its embarrassing as hes living a life which isnt based on any form of reality? Hes basically skirted any responsibility to do what? Allow me to care for him while he “heals” ?? Its totally unbelievable. I went back to full time work when my daughter was (detail removed by moderator) to support us. Time to heal/grieve? oh to have that luxury… Bring on 2018.. Im going to need all the strength I can get for my next moves – and it has to be better than this? hes having me on isnt he! Can I ask you.. when you changed the locks etc… where did he go? to family? Thankyou x
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and above all this.. Any chance he gets to tell me that I am an idiot, a physical mess, a manipulator etc.. he takes it.. Waits for our daughter to be out of earshot and tells me how is is – his opinion. If I respond he says… SSShhhhhhh go away your talking only so our daughter can hear you.I can feel it coming as his face turns a funny colour (like a grey colour??) and his eyes look totally dilated.. I freeze and start to panic. Which makes him worse – he says.. “look at you”! “what you pretending your scared for”” your not scared its all for show. He says that I am passive aggressive. Sometimes I worry that hes right as I am able to shut down and say nothing when hes in a full rage at me. He calls me my mums name – as he hates her too. Do you have any tips on how to cope when the rage comes? Or how to be until I get the right time to get out of this mess?
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Honestly, we have so much in common. My ex’s father passed away suddenly about a month and a half before our lg was born, he blames this for his anger, that our lg never got to meet his father etc. He’s always used it as an excuse – an excuse for screaming in a few week old baby’s face, an excuse for his weird parenting techniques etc.
I’d made him leave in the past, and he always maintained that he was sleeping rough etc. This time when I changed the locks, I didn’t know what he was going to do as I had no contact with him at that point because I didn’t want him guilt tripping me like all the times before. I had spoken to several people leading up to making him leave (including posting on this forum, which helped immensly) and every single person said he’s a grown adult and is responsible for himself and his own life, the fact he’s got no friends and his family don’t really like him is just to testament to the type of person he is. I thought, yep, that’s true, he’s a day older than me and can’t even look after himself. I just had to be as hard faced as I could about it. I believe he was staying at his mum’s on her couch. He now has a flat which he obviously doesn’t pay for as benefits for it for him since he’s not got a job.
You’ll know when the time if right and you’ve finally had enough. It’s taken me a long time but I got there and so will you. x x x
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hey hun
if u can bite your tongue til jan , good, but in mean time start looking at childminders , they are a lot more flexible , pre make back up plans, as for saying u r a passive aggressive, they just say any rubbish, if u spoke up he’d say your scaring the baby, they always have something pathethic to say like we are over reacting. keep posting and call help line so right agencies can support u
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