Flashback

[Ayanna]

I had a flashback about the way I was treated when I needed the abuser away from me. Everyone was concerned about him and nobody cared about me, where I would live. The racists did not care that I was nearly killed and needed a place to live. Everything was about the abuser. It was our joint tenancy, yet the racists ensured I lost everything. So much racism and despite all the laws, nothing can be done about this covert racism. The racists won. I have to live with the knowledge that I count nothing because of my ethnicity. It hurts, it hurts all the time. Racism makes very deep wounds that never heal.

[Serenity]

“I have to live with the knowledge that I count for nothing because of my ethnicity.”

Dear Ayanna, you say that you were treated like nothing because of your roots.

If this is true, then it is appalling, and I am sure all other women here would agree. If there is still institutionalised racism in this day and age, then we haven’t come very far, have we?

You do count. You are equal to any other human being who sets foot on this earth. You are valuable and you are precious.

I hope that such institutionalised racism will be fought against. There is so much in society that needs to change.

Don’t let yourself be defined by others’ ignorance and small-mindedness. You are bigger than others’ opinions of you. You know the truth of your situation- hold on to that. The guilt and shame and feeling of worthlessness should be with him.

Unfortunately, abusers treat us in such a way that we end up feeling how in fact, in a just world, they should be feeling!

A friend of mine who went through horrendous abuse and came out the other side said to me : “Never again will I allow myself to be defined by someone else’s opinion of me.”

In this world, many opinionated people have the powerful jobs and the ‘responsible’ positions, but in fact you quite often ( though not always) find that many are ill-equipped for their jobs, which should be about promoting equality, listening to people at grass roots level and just listening instead of just ‘talking at’ people. ( There is a reason why we were given just one mouth but have two ears! )

There is nothing more shameful than a person who likes the sound of their own voice, and the power that a job gives them, who spouts erroneous and racist / judgemental views and doesn’t listen to those who actually hold the nugget of truth, because they have lived it. And you are right, some in these positions of power sometimes have prejudices and hang-ups and are ignorant of certain things which affect their performance.

In my last job, I needed to try to raise awareness of DV amongst those in that quarter, and I was horrified how some people didn’t want to listen and felt embarrassed and even angry that I was raising it! There is so much raising awareness and educating to be done.

Was your ex a manipulative charmer and liar? If so, you may find that the mere fact he is like this has swayed others’ opinions about him. He has fooled people. Mine did this- and I might add, my ex isn’t of this ethnicity, but he is a d**n good liar.

You seem to be such an impassioned person, Ayanna. There is lots of healing to be done for all of us, and maybe we all need just ‘desert time’ where we can just rest and heal, but maybe in the future you and I will be able to work to change things in society in our own ways, whether that means crusading for women’s and for ethnic rights, raising awareness of domestic abuse and bullying in the workplace, or merely just living out our lives according to our values and sticking up for those values when they are threatened. There is a lot to be said for leading by example.

Whatever we end up doing, what we must never, ever do us blame ourselves for our situation and believe our abuser’s lies and other’s ill-informed opinions about our abuser and ourselves.

We have a right to live in peace and to enjoy being ourselves, and to be proud of being who we are. Others can try to impose their negativism, projections and erroneous views upon us, but their views aren’t gospel. Others make mistakes. As long as you know the truth in your gut, that’s all you need to live conscience-free and to build up the peaceful and happy life you deserve.

X*x

[Ayanna]

Thank you Serenity. You put this in such great words! Exactly my way of thinking too!
I suffered enormous institutionalized racism and abuse, it was disgusting.
I have started my crusade against racism and violence despite the fact that I am broken.
I seem to manage to achieve little successes every now and then although I do not feel strong nor empowered nor optimistic.
Today I raised a lot of awareness. I am surprised that it was possible in those places.
Tonight I feel a hint of positivity for the first time in ages. x*x

[Author]

Posts