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My ex was extremely emotionally abusive & by the end of our relationship physical abuse had started. We have kids together so he is not completely out of my life but there are strict boundaries in place & (detail removed by Moderator). I have no desire to ever be with him again. Even though being a single mom is really hard at times, I’m so happy being out of that relationship & being free!
Today I was suddenly flooded with positive memories of the two of us. Our beautiful wedding, funny moments we shared, moments when he was kind and sweet. These memories in no way make me want to go back to him or make me think any differently about his abuse. But I really wish I didn’t have any good memories because I think that would just be easier. I keep telling myself it’s ok if I have memories of good things that happened but that those memories don’t tell the entire story of our relationship…which is that it was was abusive. How do you ladies deal when the positive memories come up? Again I have no desire to ever be with him & Im not at all at risk of going back. He’s a scary and dangerous man. Just wish I could delete the “good times” from my mind.
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You have lots of other happy memories with other friends and family. Old and new so try to push them to the front of your mind and enjoy them. Abusers make themselves our whole world but there was and is much more x
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Thanks Kip! You’re right. Abusers do make themselves our whole world. I want to keep working on filling my life with things that I love & enjoy and continuing to make him less & less of a factor in my life. If it wasn’t for the kids I’d never have to have any sort of involvement with him again. Thank you for the reminder to refocus my energy on myself.
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Hi,
I have some positive memories to look back on too. For me, I am thankful of those and can reflect on them for the happy times that they were. To be honest, the bad times outweigh the good, but the relationship was not ALL horrible. I have never yearned for him again after leaving for good either, but it would be unfair of me to say he was 100% awful 100% of the time. I think all of us have had good times with our abusers, and that’s what makes it so hard for us to leave because we want to believe they can be ‘that’ person a lot more than they’re not!
I don’t think I had a coping strategy for when those memories come up. There is a certain date every year that comes up for me where my abuser was actually amazing on that day and even now, I can’t fault him and I will always be grateful he was that way and did what he did. But that’s just a memory now and I never have any remorse that our relationship ended, I’m still relieved it did. From my perspective, you’re not alone with your thoughts and feelings here. xx
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Thank you so much for this Wants to Help! You’re right in that a good memory can be just that..a memory. Something that we reflect on & acknowledge & then go about our day. You’re also right in that the good times are what makes us stay because we convince ourselves that nice person is the real them. Today the good memories have passed and I’ve been thinking about some awful things he’d done that I had forgotten about. Names he called me. Horrible rumors he spread & is still spreading. It makes the good times seem really insignificant.
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I suppose that when people who haven’t experienced abusers imagine what kind of person they are, they imagine a very black and white image of someone. Someone who is and acts wholly bad all of the time. In reality every abuser isn’t JUST an abuser. They are multi-faceted.
Someone could be an abuser and have an amazing sense of humour and take care of their elderly mother.
Someone could be an abuser and be the most fun person to play board games with and be an avid lover of cats.
Someone could be an abuser and be the the best fun when on a great day out together.In a huge amount of abusive relationships there aren’t just bad times – otherwise in many circumstances it would have made it much easier for us to leave. I think it is about being able to both separate that tiny moment in time (“those couple of hours I felt happy and was enjoying myself with them”) and also see it as a whole (“but that entire relationship was hell and that person was still my abuser during all those moments”).
Sometimes it makes me feel almost guilty for remembering a small moment of joy in a hellish relationship and smiling about it – as if I am invalidating the abuse myself and I shouldn’t have any good memories whatsoever because that relationship was horrific. That people might not understand why I’d have any good memories whatsoever. But it’s more about accepting the nuance of these things and not feeling guilty or like it excuses the abuse just because some memories bring a smile to your face. It will never invalidate the pain that they brought you.
It seems like you have a really good grasp on it as you mention that you have these positive memories but they also don’t make you feel any differently as you are very aware that he is abusive and have no desire to go back to him. You’ve talked in the post about what it doesn’t make you feel (any desire to go back or feel differently about the abuse), but what is it exactly that it is making you feel when you are having these good memories which prompted you to post? If you feel able to share of course! 🙂
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Good question TiaMaria! When I have the good memories I feel some feelings of warmth towards the person he was pretending to be. I guess they are like feelings of fondness & remembering how he was sweet or kind or gentle he was (or pretending to be) in that particular moment. The memory however never makes me want to go back to him because the memories of how awful and abusive he’s been are much more vivid than any fond memories.
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Then I think it is just about accepting that it is okay to have those memories. It doesn’t invalidate the abuse or how you feel about him as a whole. I feel very strongly negatively towards my abuser but I can’t deny that there were some times we had a real blast together. Because if we didn’t, I never would have stayed for so long and endured the abuse.
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Domestic abuse is all about intimate partner terrorism. And the pattern of behaviour in that. My ex was in a high profile (detail removed by Moderator) profession. Highly commended and respected at work. That adds to our confusion. I used to get abused and I would try harder to please him. Our world becomes so small and confusing. He was Jeckyl and Hyde. Serial abuser.
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I can relate! My ex is also well educated & in a high powered position. People just love him at his job & in his personal life. He’s very skilled at playing the role of the nice guy but behind the scenes he’s an absolute monster & the scariest person I’ve ever personally known. His ability to hide his abusiveness, & gaslight, blame shift & convince others that he is the victim is one of the most terrifying things I’ve witnessed. But I still found the strength to leave & stand up to him. I’m really proud of myself for that. I don’t care who he’s convinced that I’m crazy just as long as I don’t have to be with him anymore! Good riddance!
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Sending healing hugs to you, I know this struggle. But then i force myself to remove the rose tinted spectacles…
the truth of it is he’s a lie.
I am now alone in life, which really really hurts.
But 1 day I sat and wrote down every abusive episode we had. As many as I could remember and I know a lot has erased out my consciousness.
The list became an endless trail of the reality, which for me made a mockery of all our ‘good times’, and they lost their shine.
Utterly.
I was gracious at the end, I didn’t yell my guts out in a swearing torrent.
Not sure i’d be so gracious if he ever turns up here again, which I doubt.
Be strong hun, keep going!
Always a little further 💓-
I can relate to this too! It seems like the longer I’m out of the relationship the more abusive incidents I start to remember. In retrospect, I now realize the abuse started a few months into us dating. He invalidated a concern I had & out of retaliation intentionally did something to upset me. At the time I thought it was just a misunderstanding because everything else about him was so sweet. But now, I see it was the beginning of the abuse. No actually I’m wrong! Even as I’m writing this I remember an incident that predates that one so actually the emotional abuse started really early on! I guess this relationship was really never not abusive.it’s so interesting how much clearer things become.
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Same here SingleMomSurvivor,
It really scribbled my brain at the time,
Trying to justify his behaviour. And from very very early on as we got started.
Just goes to show how much the confusion clouds the reality of what’s actually going on. And how many times have we tried to forgive in the hope that it’s not really that bad? For me? Absolutely LOADS of times.
The fact that I was leached on cuts me pretty deep, after all I have been through in my years. Incredulous he could top it off with such selfishness, I nearly drowned in his chaos and sickness.
Writing that ‘Horrendous List’ was very cathartic in realising the extent of his mental illness and the effect it had on me in the following years.
I am still very sad that this is how it turned out. I think I had a lucky escape in the end. Even though I am alone in life, I don’t have any support around me, and now disabled, I am safer, and saner, without him in it.
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