Flying off the handle and blaming me

[Am-I-making-a-mistake]

I’m in a relationship with a man who is trying to end an addiction, we have been together for less than (detail removed by Moderator) months and live together. We did not know each other before dating. The first 3 months were like something you see in romantic films…it was bliss…but of course we all know this time fades away to some extent. However, the loving and caring young man I fell for seems to have a Jekyll and Hyde personality, flipping out at the slightest of things. Worse is that he shouts at me for provoking him when I do everything to avoid an argument. I will admit that I’m not a pushover, I have my own opinions about my life and morals but do not impose them on others and take a ‘live and let live’ approach to most things, but of course like most people I can get angry. The way to describe his attitude towards me seems to be (a) stony and icy, (b) adoring, (c) raging and shouting. He has never expressed physical violence on me, but early on in our relationship he admitted his ex had accused him of such things, he has always painted her in a twisted nightmare sort of way, and I have nothing to support anything to the contrary (I have thought about contacting her but ???). Does this sound like the beginnings of an abusive relationship? And if so, what can I do about it? Thank you.

[undertherainbow]

Could I ask what his addiction is? Your situation sounds very familiar to mine… Or what mine was.
We met and it was a whirlwind, lived together very quickly and in entirety it lasted short of (detail removed by Moderator) months. Didn’t know each other prior and he had drug problems. What I learned was that it wasn’t an actual addiction but something he enjoyed doing and was never gonna change. Used this apparent ‘addiction’ for a lot of his unreasonable behaviour.
Is something telling you that something is not quite right? I had that feeling but always pushed it away. It turned to violence, quite extreme violence. (detail removed by Moderator) I’m not saying this will happen to you but there is a lot of red flags. I thought I’d met the love of my life, all them c****y love songs finally made sense to me and for the first 3 months I walked on air. I too would stand up for myself, was quite confrontational with grievances and he sure as hell made sure he knocked this out of me. Literally.
Perhaps you should give Women’s Aid a ring and speak to someone who can give you good advice on what you can do to protect yourself. They can also point out if it is abuse and give further advice.
My ex would also claim his previous partner had made up allegations, that she was crazy and twisted. I believed him at first but of course this wasn’t the case. He’d been violent and vile to her too. I then knew one day I would be the ‘crazy ex’ he’d be telling her new spouse about. I spoke to his previous partner and she confirmed everything.
Have you heard of Clare’s law? This allows you to contact police and see if he has any history of domestic violence.
Stay strong because you sound as if you really are. xx

[KIP.]

Hi there, Google “cycle of abuse”. This is typical abuser behaviour. Also, get in touch with your local woman’s aid. Abuse only gets worse over time. Seriously think about getting away soon. Ring 101 and ask if he has a criminal record or any allegations against him. Red flags should be flying. Alarm bells should be ringing. The fact that you are on this website speaks volumes x

[Am-I-making-a-mistake]

The addiction is pot smoking. It didn’t occur to me that it could be domestic abuse until I watched a video shared by a friend on social media and it was like a smack in the face to me. Until then I had believed when he said it was to be expected during first few months of giving up an addiction (which is confirmed online) but I’m concerned it’s not that, it’s just who he is. I will look up ‘cycle of abuse’ and call in too, thank you. I’d like to nip this in the bud before it becomes an obvious and damaging issue. Perhaps that sounds naive. Can you stay anonymous when requesting conviction information does anyone know? So good to open up about it on here and feel the support.

[Serenity]

Hello,

I am very interested in hearing what you found out about withdrawing from cannabis and its effects.

My ex liked to do pot and I didn’t want him to. I had a friend who committed suicide, I am sure linked to pot.

I now think my ex did pot when I wasn’t there and when he went out. I think he stepped up
use of it in the last couple of years.

Though he tried to blame everyone else, he was much more impatient and snappy and flew off the handle even more than usual in the final couple of years.

I have always thought his moods were dictated by withdrawal from things, as well as his personality. In the early days, it was cigarettes. He had awful tempers. He gave up, but in later years started on cannabis. I think more than I know.

Mum would be very interested in hearing what you found out about abuse and withdrawal from this, please, from the link your friend sent you?

Thank you x

[Serenity]

I mean I would be very interested !

[Am-I-making-a-mistake]

For the withdrawal symptoms I think I just googled it, all were similar and made sense. My trouble is, because I’ve only known him a short time, how can I know he’s normally a good guy, and it’s just the withdrawals making him this Jekyll and Hyde character. My friend said she has a problem with her on/off boyfriend too and his symptoms are so similar. Things like ranting and raving about something as simple as a changed appointment time or taking a different course of direction for scenic enjoyment rather than ‘sticking to the plan’. These things are all similar to my issues, also my boyfriend will begin by blaming me – if I had explained more thoroughly etc, then it progresses to him blaming the withdrawals.
I have looked up ‘the cycle of abuse’ and found it to be interesting! This is what it’s like for me. The article I read said about the cycle being hard to break once you’re in it, but this is what I want to achieve. If I walk away without trying to stop the cycle I will always feel like the closure wasn’t complete.

[Am-I-making-a-mistake]

I’m sorry I can’t get the link for the video, there’s no option for it.

[Author]

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