for all of us who wonder 'is this love or abuse?'

[Cecile]

Firstly, if you need to ask the question, its not love. here are some writing gs about what love is:

‘lies fall away. You can be who you are. Love flows understanding to grow and this is precious.
When you are understood by another, then you are at home’

Do you feel at home? Cosy, calm, allowed to be yourself?

Here’s more:

‘when you feel understood by another, you feel free to release yourself in to the trust and shelter of the other person’.

Exercise:compare the above to your abuser. Can you apply it to him? Hmm I thought not. Abusive men do the opposite to this because they know they are incapable of it and don’t understand it.

This writer also says

‘love discloses the special, sacred other person who you love’

[Wishbone]

Hi Cecile I am new to this but wow you really hit a nerve with your post. Made me open my eyes a little wider. May sound a little bit weird I’m hurting so much so very scared of where my life is at and feel very weak right now but I actually like what your post has just done to me. Thanks

[Same-again]

Hi Cecile (& Wishbone – welcome :-),

I was thinking about this yesterday in a ‘what do you bring to the table?’. I thought of a ton of horrid stuff because of course there is a plethora of it.

Then a word came to me which summed it up. No need to list all his awful actions. Save me the time and effort – because you’re not worth one moment of it.

Misery.

You bring misery.
You dish out misery.
You cause misery.
You are a miserable excuse for a man. For a human being.

My intention is to be free of your misery. Free of you.

Free.

[Cecile]

Yep, misery is all it is. The long grey misery of the relationship with the coercive controller. It has been described as such by others.
Good for both of you for growing and maturing to see them as they are and begin to acknowledge yourselves and your worth and what you are lacking at the most fundamental level in your relationships.

[Author]

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