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Hi ladies,
Well happy mothers day to the mum’s out there! I’ve had no happy mothers day wishes as yet, just moaning because when he came to bed I apparently was shouting at him in my sleep. So he’s barely slept. It’s hardly like He has work tomorrow he doesn’t work at the moment!
He spent last night shouting at me, saying how I am so cold and rejecting of me… I explained that I didn’t want to be around him when he was so angry and scary and/or p****d off all the time and complaining about everything. That made him crazy, saying how well me crying all the time turns him off but he still does it with me.
What I basically want to know is: when was enough enough? In emotional abuse particularly. Because obvs when he nice I can’t believe I would contemplate leaving, and I forget it all (or repress it all). Does there come a time when even when they are nice you feel strong enough to speak out and make plans to leave? I feel like I never will and I’ll end up dying a shell of a person regretting my life with him
Thanks in advance. Love to you all x*x
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There will come a time, for me it was when I engaged with women’s aid and discovered that he actually chose to abuse me. It gave him great pleasure. Once you educate yourself in the dynamics of an abuser and you realise that he doesn’t love you and never has. It makes it much easier to walk away. Not safer just easier in your own mind. It takes huge strength and courage to leave when we have been brainwashed and programmed to fear them. To feel the guilt of leaving. It’s all one big nasty illusion. I hope one day you find that strength because there is a wonderful, abuse free life if you’re prepared to fight for it x my ex used to say ‘your not my mum’ when I got nothing on mother’s day. Good riddance to bad rubbish x
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I agree with what KIP says only I didn’t contact WA until after I left. They have been a great support during early stages after getting out. It’s a vulnerable time and a rollercoaster ride but worth it. The moment my mind was made up was when I felt humiliated after being forced to do something so he was displaying complete domination. I realised then that he didn’t love me. I’d done the shall I stay shall I go for years but suddenly you snap out of the cycle. The look of hatred and contempt he had for me that night was enough.
I too hope you find the strength to leave one day. There is an open door, you will know when it’s right to walk through it. -
I don’t think it was definitely that last straw as I am not really sure myself which event was. But. He assaulted me physically and there was a court case going on. Meanwhile, he tried to prove to me that he changed. But while he was proving to me, emotional abuse got really intense. And I remember sitting with him in a cafe, he was doing the talking. In such a “caring” and nice voice. Can’t remember what exactly he said, but it was stuff about my family how they are treating me like a vegetable and things like that. I could not even describe that conversation because he was not shouting, he was not calling me names. Yet, I was feeling awful. And I realized that he might not hit me again (if he learn his lesson). I might prove to him that name calling is wrong. But I will never be able to show him that this kind of conversations are equally painful. It’s kind of gaslighting when you stop understanding your own reality. And I just understood for good that he will never ever change.
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Thankyou ladies.
I am being made to feel almost everyday now that it’s me abusing him as I’m cold and shut down. He says He is miserable and nasty because of the money worries we have etc and All I need to do is stroke him on the neck or touch him like I used to and he would calm down. I dread coming home now as I’m always expecting his p****d off face. I’m exhausted of walking on eggshells.
He says I can’t provide him with examples of how he is and stuff he says but it’s not that, sometimes I physically can’t speak, there’s like a barrier to my words coming out because I know the repercussions and sometimes I want to tell him but mostly I just think it’s better of I stay quiet and don’t say anything. It’ll do no good. It never does.
He looks like he is broken, but now rather than wanting to comfort him anymore I just want to not go near him. When he shouts at me/raves at me like I’m a child I curl up and keep my head bowed, thinking if I look as vulnerable as possible and I don’t engage with him and just cry cry quietly he will burn out and leave me alone and see that he is not getting any response. But it doesn’t matter he doesn’t care how I’m sat. In those times he fluctuates between “you’re my whole world how can you do this to me?!” To shouting at me threatening to set my car on fire or cutting his throat. My head doesn’t not know which way is up and which is down.
X*x
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Hi FL. I’ve said this before, we are in such a simular situation. I’m forever being told he can’t understand why i have put up a barrier and I am so cold towards him. Why I won’t just go up behind him and put my arms around his waist? He can’t believe that just a few bad incidents could make me feel like this towards him. I have a journal of times I remember and was planning on putting them all down in a letter to him this week. He is not getting how serious I am about us parting and i think it’s time he reads it for himself.
He fluctuates during conversations. Today he has got me a few nice gifts from the kids for mothers day but only a couple of days ago I was being criticised for my parenting skills and told none of the kids have any respect for me!! Just because I don’t yell and swear at them and scare them when they do something wrong.
I don’t think it will happen overnight and he makes me feel so guilty for pursuing this but I think I would be happier with him not here & I guess you feel the same x-
Thankyou. Daisy Do it does sound very similar!! It’s awful as he says it’s all my fault how he is as I’ve shut off and am distant and won’t ever approach him first.
I’m literally going crazy I feel with confusion, fluctuating between “it’s him!!” And “maybe it’s me??!”
I have thought about a letter, but I don’t think I’d dare truly as id be terrified to come home as I would just know he would go insane with anger. Esp if I presented him with a log of all Ne has done. He is highly mistrustful of me (and anyone) and thinks I’m already discussing all our business with my friends and every one. He always tells me what “a private person” he is.
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This sounds just like my partner. He will be miserable as heck for a few days, be quite rude, sarcastic or nasty towards me, not come home but then expects me to ask him to come home, expects me to give him a cuddle, etc. He has said that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone before but still treats me like this. He doesn’t understand that I cannot just behave as if everything is normal and that he has never done anything to hurt me.
On the other hand, I feel guilty when we are having good time that I am thinking of just jacking it all in. I cannot fully relax, that’s the problem. I am constantly thinking of what he would think to whatever I am doing.
I sat and read the posts on this thread earlier and just cried in the park 😢 It’s just all so true and so close to home that it just hit me. My mum keeps asking when I’m going to leave. My sister keeps asking it. My children ask it. But they don’t seem to understand that it’s not that eas, even though my mum went through DA with her second husband.
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Those three little words, ‘I love you’, that turn into ‘of course I love you’ once you’ve noticed his actions do not match these words and begin to question him, buy these men a scivvy, sex and a life made easier in many ways, that’s why they say it, not because they feel it.
We want to believe it is true, everyone wants to be loved, this is natural. Later, I also realised this man is not capable of love, because to love someone is to also show respect and to always have their best interests at heart, before your own – these aspects were simply not present.
He was self absorbed, I noticed that all of his thoughts were always only about him, his mind was so full of me me me that there was no room left for anyone else. Conversations were really boring as a result, and eventually became non existant once I withdrew.
He didn’t buy gifts and on the odd occassion he did they were terrible, it would stress him out because he didnt know what to get, because he couldnt think of what I might like, because he didnt have this information stored, because he was never interested in finding out about me – my brother always gets me really thoughtful gifts, because he takes the time to know me, he knows what I would like.
Im not bothered about gifts, which was probably part of why I let it go and he got away with it, but I think this was a visible sign, as after all the years we spent together, he never once bought me a thoughtful gift nor did he ever suprise me with somewhere I’d like to go. One of my fave bands from my youth were touring close by and the tickets were not that much at all really, I thought he knew how much I’d like to go for the nostalgia, I said can we go, he said, no way I’m not going to that. He only ever did what he wanted to do, never anything just for me – eventually I noticed that. He never wanted to do anything with my firends or family either – wasnt interested, always took himself off if they came round and never showed for any family gatherings, this was embarrssing for a while, until we all gave up.
Each time something like this happened I said nothing, but I did log it, guess one day I realised he never even considers me, I don’t like the person he is, he’s vile and abusive, we dont communicate, I was starting to communicate in the same way he did and I didnt like that, it left me feeling dreaful – not intouch with my true self. I realised his words are just that, words only – he says I love you to get what he wants and to get him out of a sticky situation. He only created stress and work for me, I noticed how he continued to load me up and that he didnt have a clue I was drowning – even though this was clearly visible, instead he chose to ignore anything that came out of my mouth. I eventually gave up being open and honest and I withdrew into myself, I could see there was no real intimacy between us, he only fooled me into thinking there was – but that day came when I could really see that, see it for what it was, see he is loyal to himself only, will do whatever he needs to do to survive. No
real intimacy was a deal breaker for me, as I need openess and honesty in a relationship like this.The final straw as it were was when I started to feel like I was going mad, I felt too usafe to be around him when feeling this way.
You won’t regret leaving Fruitloops, in time you will only come to regret how long you put up with it x
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Fizzylem yes! He very rarely does anything for me or anything which he won’t directly benefit from. And if he does, by god do I hear about it or what??! “Well I did this for you and I wouldn’t have ever done that for my ex; your so ungrateful and don’t appreciate what I do at all”
Thankyou for your story, it continually fascinates (and appalls) me how similar these men seem to be x*x
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i had decades off this behaviour, when it escalated i tended to flee but then asked him back. For me it took me to get to the point where i became physically ill – i just couldnt take any more, i mean like a full standstill – not sure if thats my personality but im black and white. youll know when you get to this point because you will dig your heals in, it wont be a case of i think you should leave – it will be you will have to go and i will do what i have to do to achieve that – there wont be any turning back, its saturation point (mentally,physically and emotionally)- and its for the sake of yourself and if you have kids them xx
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For me I think it was a series of events. He would be really horrible and I kept forgiving him – goodness knows why! I found his profile on some kinky sex websites and discovered he was secretly messaging and skyping other women. Then I found out he was running me down and criticising me to one of his exes. Although I didn’t leave immediately that was a turning point for me. In the months that followed, the continual emotional abuse and silent treatment just wore me down. I made secret plans and finally went to a refuge.
Love Copperflame x
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For me it was when he started lying about me and telling people I’d done some terrible (And illegal) things and that I was abusing him and needed help. He wasn’t even sorry and stands by those allegations today. He even told the police and I was interviewed about them, although I don’t think they took him that seriously. It got to the point where he really didn’t care who was present when he insulted and threatened me. I got tired of thinking he would change. I knew he never would.
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Like many of you, there were many key moments where I seriously considered leaving but I was at such a low ebb and honestly thought things could get better… And sometimes things would be ok for weeks
Crunch time was when it escalated into financial abuse and a dramatic change in him as he became addicted to coke… Even then i didn’t leave immediately … It was when I found out he had been giving sob stories to my mum to extort money from her when she’s not exactly wealthy and is caring for my dad , that I knew he had to go
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I had three incidents in succession. The one that opened my eyes to the fact there was a serious problem was minor. He had been controlling me very subtly, but then he forbad me outright to change my hair. After that I was paying more attention. The he hit me again, and tried to gaslight me into believing it hadn’t happened. He didn’t hit me hard enough for me to count it as abuse in my messed up mind at the time. But for the first time I didn’t accept the gaslighting. Finally I found out that he was both financially abusing me, and also taking money from his sister’s in my name. After that I didn’t give him a chance to gaslight me. I just got out.
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I think conditioning and grooming plays a huge part in this;in leaving and also in asking for help. How they treat us so badly and then when they give us a small morsel of their good side we get an instant reward.we crave it really badly but at the same time ask why? Confusing, I never really got that until I realised I was brain washed. That’s why it can take something massive to turn an addiction on its head. A bit like when a heavy smoker/drinker has a coronary, it takes them to nearly die to give up bad damaging habits for good xx habit maybe under plays DV because it’s force is very miss understood and under estimated which deepens the wounds and hinders our recovery sometimes xx luv diymum xx
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Fruitloops, I haven’t left yet but only because my new place isn’t ready yet but I am definitely going. Enough was enough for me was the combination of a gew defining moments. The first one was him collapsing with (detail removed by moderator). We didn’t know whether he would survive or not and at the point he thought his death was imminent he looked me in the eye and said words to the effect of him saying he was truly sorry for the way he has treated me throughout our relationship. He said (detail removed by moderator). I dealt with his immediate health crisis and he did survive but when I thought about it afterward I realised that the thought of him dying hadn’t bothered me at all. I was indifferent and really if we had had a good loving marriage I would have been upset at the thought of losing him. Also the realisation that not only did he know know he had been abusing me he also knew I didn’t deserve such terrible treatment. Funnily enough he has never, not once made mention of his words to me and in indeed he has continued to abuse me since then. Another watershed moment was him shouting at me and calling me horrendous names in front of our child and about a week after that my son shouted at me and called me the same name as his father did. This was particularly jarring because I had never heard my son use that particular name before so I knew with a very high level of certainly that he had followed his father’s example the only difference being that my child was mortified at having called me such an inappropriate name and gave me a heartfelt and sincere apology which is not something his father has ever done. We all have our limits and I think we know when that happens, the key is to try and have faith in your own perceptions. I have found that my intuition is rarely ever wrong I have just had to learn to not only listen to it but to act on it as well. Keep going and keep posting x
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I’ve woken up a short time ago. He’s gone to work. My relative who was sick, passed away recently, it’s not been long,still-trying to make arrangements and all I’m getting is (detail removed by moderator),(but not meant kindly),he’s not my family anymore, don’t think I’m going to the funeral. I managed to record him (detail removed by moderator), threatening to (detail removed by moderator), and sounding off in general. This all started because (detail removed by moderator) You know how it is, you’re not allowed to be upset in front of them, have to stay strong, don’t greet in their face. Of course I’m now going to be one of those people who bottle it up and it’ll explode when I least expect it. What does he think I’ve been doing fir years. He’s angry at me because he never got to say goodbye, he offered to come to the hospital once, (detail removed by moderator) I get why, but he’s no right to be angry, it’s just another justification in his eyes. More things to do today, he’s angry cos (detail removed by moderator)
As usual it’s a weekend, local WA is closed😏 I can’t keep doing this to myself I know I can’t. Hopefully there’s a solicitors open and I’ll be able to make an appointment for Monday, can do practical stuff like packing up clothes and moving them to someone’s house. I hope I follow this through, it has to end. Again he’s threatening to take the car off me, as if I care about that. My daughter has already saud she’d put me on her insurance, my dad will need to get a wee run around,I could drive that too. I know I won’t be stuck.
You think they can’t hurt you any worse and they sink even lower. I think I need to pray for myself, I do it for everyone else just not me.
What ive learned through my own experience and reading others,No matter what situations arise in our lives, if it involves giving them less of our attention they’ll always find a way of making it about them.
Time to get up and start packing.
IWMB -
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