17th February 2021 at 10:07 pm #121878
So I’ve literally after (detail removed by moderator)
Completely told my ex partner consistently it’s over. He attempted to love bomb me it lasted a few days now he’s gone completely silent no calls, no emails.
I’m freaking out
A part of me feels so relieved and another part of me is completely freaked out that he’s left me alone. I’ve been used to his emotional rollercoaster and him being so intense that I felt suffocated and couldn’t stop for a breathe.
A part of me is worried that he’s gone silent and it feels too good to be true. Unless he’s found another person who he’s going to make a
A move on.
Maybe I’m freaked out and anxious because it’s my brain and bodies way of adjusting to calm.
The constant drama and arguments have stopped and I feel relaxed but on edge. I’m wondering is this part of a game.
I’ve definitely came away from the relationship with PTSD there is not an element of abuse he did not cover. I have flashbacks if I hear a song or see something.
Is it normal to have this strange withdrawal feeling ? How long will it last until I feel normal? Luckily we never lived in the same house even when things were ok I really didn’t want a free night without him to end because I knew the following night he would be back. Another question I have and feel guilty about is if you hit the abuser back in the end are you just as bad ? Because I started to retaliate.
And I’m worried that I may be a bad person because of that.
I’m hoping this weird feeling will end and I can eventually start to feel like my old self again
17th February 2021 at 10:39 pm #121880
First off really well done on ending the relationship, it’s not easy and you’re doing great. You have lots of insight and you’re right, it is a rollercoaster of emotions, when your in the abuse, and when you get out. How you’re feeling is totally normal. I remember completely freaking out when the love-bombing stopped. What was he doing? Was this another tactic? It’s so normal. When we’re in the relationship we convince ourselves that we have an element of control and can anticipate and lead-off the abuse before it escalates. When it’s all silence we lose that false sense of security. And our brain just naturally craves what’s normal, even if that normal is abuse. How you’re feeling is all part of your healing journey. Take this opportunity to block him on everything before he can try to hoover you back in. Resist the urge to check his social media. No contact is the best route to recovery.
This phase is like withdrawing from a drug addiction. It’s the same chemical pathways in the brain and did you can expect ups and downs over the next few weeks, though they get less dramatic. Google trauma bonding.
Hitting him back is not abuse, its self-defense. It’s normal to doubt yourself and question everything, that’s another delightful side-effect of the abuse! Healing from Hidden Abuse is a great book if you felt up to reading and consider reaching out to womens aid and your GP for support with the PTSD. We’re all here for you too. Be very kind to yourself, you’ve been through so much and you didnt deserve it.
Take care, sending a big hug xx
17th February 2021 at 11:22 pm #121883
Thank you 😊
Do you have any tips on how to get through the first few weeks?
I’d love to block him and never see his face again being truly honest but we have a child
I have told him that as long as he sticks to his set times days etc I will not go through a solicitor but if he attempts to sweet talk or love bomb he will have to.
There is no way I can have a relationship with this man and get any enjoyment from life. I’m hopeful and excited for my future without him.
I never admired women who make it out of these relationships so much it’s tough xx
17th February 2021 at 11:41 pm #121884
Very clear boundaries with him around contact with both you and your child. There are apps for parental communication that you can get so he wouldnt be able to just phone/ text/ message you when it suits him. Ideally get a 3rd party for communication and handover of your child so there is a buffer between him and you. Communication with him, and worse- seeing him, is like waving a loaded needle under a heroin addicts nose. It will be painful, upsetting and confusing for you. Be kind to yourself and avoid this as much as possible.
Build your support system; friends, family, GP, womens aid. Create a paper trail by informing your GP and journaling about the abuse. It will also help with the confusion and keep you in reality. It’s normal to question yourself. Education is absolutely essential, theres lots of great books and youtube videos; Why Does he Do Tgat by Lundy Bancroft is available to read for free online.
Most importantly just be very gentle with yourself. Try to eat regularly, drink plenty of water, get some fresh air and gentle exercise and sleep as much as you can. Take it hour by hour if needs be. It does get easier and if you stick with it you wont regret it but it is not easy. And keep some of that admiration for yourself! You e gotten out too! Now try to give yourself the space and time to keep it that way. Keep your focus off him and on yourself and your child. That’s how you find yourself again xx
18th February 2021 at 12:58 am #121885
Thank you so much for your advice will read book. I’m doing my best to focus on myself I’m a complete shell of a woman I’ve gained weight & haven’t taken care of myself at all whilst I’ve been with him….
My personality has been zapped out of me
I wasn’t allowed to listen to certain music or be myself.
My job was disrupted every single start of the shift by him.
I can’t wait to look in a mirror and like what I see again.
Thank you so much I really needed your words xx
18th February 2021 at 11:27 am #121909
Self-care and educating yourself about what has happened to you will be the most important thing for you just now. I remember after I left, I felt completely hollowed out. As though my very soul had been sucked from me, and in some ways it had. Where there had been a bright shining flame there was only embers. I was severely underweight, hadn’t slept properly in years, I’d even stopped doing the little things like washing my face and brushing my teeth before bed; they were morning things to make me presentable to the world but when it was just me, well I just didnt care.
So all those little things are the key to putting yourself back together. Preparing a delicious, nutritious meal, getting some sleep, maybe a bath with a face mask, maybe giving yourself an extra 10mins in bed with a coffee in the morning. Put on your tunes and dance about- there’s no one to stop or criticise you now, and enjoy that wonderful sense of freedom! You are precious and worthwhile and you deserve to be cared for with love and kindness, so give yourself that loving kindness he drained from you for long x*x
19th February 2021 at 12:32 am #121944
It’s like you have to reprogram yourself back into doing normal things exactly the same with the small personal Dailey hygiene
I was too drained and zombied to see to anything like that.
Sometimes no matter how much I would wash he would still say I was dirty. You can’t win either way.
I downloaded an app for contact with our child so he no longer has to email or call
I wish I didn’t have to see him again.
I’m so determined this time to get away from him I’ve tried many times I feel differently this time I know I cannot go on…..
The attempted love bombing didn’t even appeal I knew it was more empty words and none of it was meant. If you stay with these types of men they take their toll on every part of you. Going to read the book you recommended tonight looking forward to a good book free my mind xx
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