Freaking out (again)

[Anonymous]

Really not coping with my new life. I’ve got myself a good job but after so long of running and hiding everything is leaking from the cracks.
I’ve started having flashbacks and keep needing to hug myself and tell myself it’s okay and he can’t hurt me any more.
I really want to push myself forwards in work but his words hold me back. I don’t dare put myself forwards for training or promotions.
I know he hated me for being overweight and i would like to be this thin thing but my fear of ever being noticed by a man makes me just put on more weight.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Freedoms,

It sounds like you could do with some therapy, have you ever spoken to anyone about what happened? That makes sense about the weight, I read it is common for abuse survivors to be overweight for the exact reason you list. You could talk about this too to a therapist, I expect your weight would drop again in line with your healing.

It sounds like PTSD if you are having flashbacks, there is a lot of support out there so look for a therapist who understands abuse. It sounds like you have done brilliantly in spite of what you went through so be proud of what you have achieved but don’t feel you have to keep going it alone with no support.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. I went to my uni and told someone there how I felt and I’ve now been referred for help. I’m due to start therapy in January.
I’ve had comments from people who have no idea, about losing weight and do i know how to cook. I do but I’m just really pleased not to be afraid of eating any more.

[KIP.]

Hey Freedoms. What you’re feeling is normal but I’m glad you’re getting councelling soon. Recovery takes time so please be kind to yourself. Ring the helpline on here if you need to. Well done for continuing at Uni. That is an achievement. I didn’t have the headspace to read a chapter of a book. Keep moving forward 👍

[duvetday]

Hi Freedoms,
Really sorry to hear you’re struggling with your new life… Try to be gentle with yourself. I’m sure that in time you will feel more able to ‘push’ yourself at work if that’s what you want. It’s amazing that you’re able to work and be at uni when you’re struggling so much. I know it’s easier said than done but try if you can to feel proud of yourself for those things. I hope that the counselling/therapy helps. x

[Anonymous]

I think I did these things to prove to myself that I’m not the nothing he told me I was but now I’m finding that I really wonder if I am nothing.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi freedoms
Just wanted to say I can totally relate to your comments about putting on weight to avoid attracting attention. I did the same so my husband wouldn’t pester me. He thinks fat people are greedy and lazy because he has always been able to eat what he likes. So I put on (detail removed by moderator) stone. Eventually he stopped. Trouble was I also chain smoked with the stress and ended up struggling with joints pain and getting breathless even talking. I’ve managed to lose the weight now, well (detail removed by moderator) stone of it, started making plans to leave and get a divorce, but I cracked under the pressure of keeping it all bottled up, trying to work more hours so I could afford to rent a place etc. Now I’m off with stress and feel like I’m barely holding it together. So be super proud of yourself work and study is tough I’ve done that. So well done you for proving to yourself you can do anything you put your mind to .
What I would say is don’t push too hard. If you’re having flashbacks and feeling like you are struggling to cope at times, then heed the warnings your body’s telling you. Mine was trying to tell me, but I just pushed harder and ignored the warning signs. Go easy on yourself, take some time off to look after yourself and relax with friends and family, get some hugs from them. Sending you a hug. Take care

[Author]

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