9th March 2019 at 2:04 pm #73794
I’m having a really bad day. I have been so up and down since realising my relationship is abusive and I am noticing more and more things that are making me physically sick.
I have been minimalising a serious sexual abuse (what I think was rape) for quite some time now, but have never thought it was more than a one off episode. As I have started to get in touch with my feelings a bit more and his behaviour, I have started to realise things about our overall relationship that make feel sexually abusive.
Things he has said to me often about how he can’t be mad at me if I’m naked. How I will sometimes wear less clothing if I ‘know he’s mad’. Some quite vulgar comments he makes too which indicate I can make him happy if I am sexual or have sex with him. Times I have had sex with him to ‘make him feel better’. Times he has got in a huff when I have moved away from his touch because I don’t want to anything. He makes it out like I am hurting his feelings. A few times before now I have kept a towel on in bed when I’ve finished my period so I don’t hurt his feelings but don’t want to have sex.
My mind is spiralling and I don’t know if I’m just looking in to everything now rather than seeing clearly. I feel like I’m getting self absorbed and reading in to things too much. I don’t know what to do but I feel awful and just want to stop feeling this way.
I have always thought I enjoyed our sex life and we were ‘that couple’s who always seemed intimate and attracted to each other. Now I am starting to think I have confused enjoying sex for enjoying his change it attitude. I’m just not ready to feel like this I don’t know how to make it stop. Xx
9th March 2019 at 2:40 pm #73799KIP.Participant
Ring rape crisis helpline and talk to someone who knows. I’m a victim of sexual abuse too and I found Thames Valley Police video about rape and consent really helpful. It’s called something like consent is like a cup of tea. I always go back to the early days of the relationship when sex was consensual and no blurred lines. As the relationship progressed so did the blurred lines. For him anyway x
9th March 2019 at 4:47 pm #73803
Thank you I will give them a call once I’ve dealt with today.
I’ve told my Mum this afternoon and come to hers with the kids. We’ve just been to buy a pull out bed and bedding for the kids and we’re staying here.
I can’t go back now I know it isn’t my ‘anxiety’ but genuine fear in a very frightening situation. I haven’t told him yet. Would women’s aid help me plan how to tell him if I ring them tonight? I’m scared I’ve acted too quickly but I just cannot be anywhere near that man right now. Xx
9th March 2019 at 5:38 pm #73806IwantmebackParticipant
Hi cheesequeen, yeah, learning we’ve been abused sexually is a hard one to accept. We’ve been fed lies growing up, how a man is entitled to sex whenever he wants when he’s married(in a relationship) how his bits will burst if he doesn’t get it. How he’s entitled to take you whenever he wants but if you refuse more than a few times, you’re having an affair, no longer love him, getting it elsewhere, you’re a lesbian, frigid. I thought I’d met my sexual equal when we first met, were still very regular up until about a few years ago, but that’s when it hit me what I was living with. My switch has been turned off, I can’t spontaneously do it now. In the early days of realisation hitting me, I was nearly having panic attacks at having to do it and even the thought of doing so because it had been a few weeks not. We do what we do to survive, I can let it happen now,but it’s so few and far between,plus it’s over so quickly now too, if the stories were true, he’d be running around with a wheelbarrow.
We are right to feel anxious. They are the cause of it, NOT mental health issues like mine tries to say I have. That I need to see someone, as it’s becoming a major problem for us. Fir him aye, not me!!
You don’t have to tell him anything my love. He knows things aren’t good, tell him you’re staying at your mum’s for some breathing space or make up she’s needing your help and having the kids around her is good for her. Definately contact WA and the police if needs be. He might make that decision easier, if he comes round to your mum’s and starts threatening, once he realises you’re not going back. I hope you feel safer at your mum’s, I wish mine were younger and didn’t live so close.
9th March 2019 at 9:10 pm #73826LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support. You are being remarkably brave and I am really pleased that you are with your Mum who can help to look after you while you process your situation. Please do try to call the helpline,if they are busy leave a message saying that you are safe and a number to call you back on and they will give you a ring back. They can help you with safety planning and risk assessing plus just listen to you and help you to consider your next steps. Rape Crisis will also be helpful – https://rapecrisis.org.uk/
I don’t know how you are feeling but do trust your gut and if you are feeling at all fearful it might be a good idea to phone the Police on 101 and ask them to put a flag on your mums address. I also agree with IWMB, if you feel his behaviour might escalate if you end it perhaps consider your options and just take it step by step and say that you are just getting a bit of space with your Mum. Talking things through with the helpline might help you decide what would be best for you. If you don’t feel safe staying with your Mum they can also look for a refuge for you.
We are all here for you. Look after yourself and be proud of yourself. You and your children deserve to be safe and happy. Let us know how you get on with the helpline.
9th March 2019 at 9:22 pm #73827[email protected]Participant
You’ve done the right thing, you’ve be so brave don’t doubt yourself xx I’m so glad you have your mum there. Let the authoritys let him know what the score is, give you and the kids some breathing space xx I hope you get some great support as I’m sure you will xx much love were here any time you need some bolstering up or a shoulder to cry on xx take care Luv diymum xx
9th March 2019 at 9:26 pm #73829sunnysideupParticipant
Just wanted to say hope you are ok tonight, it’s hard but your remarkabley strong to get out and now it’s time to put yourself first.
He is a control freak and you deserve to be treated better.
9th March 2019 at 10:36 pm #73836
Thank you all so much. You have no idea how much you have all helped me. The clarity this site has brought me has been so powerful. I know I am incredibly fortunate to have my family and friends close. I almost panicked today and told him but I kept my cool. I was going to ring the Police but I am so scared about my kids, I want to do this very thoughtfully. I will be ringing women’s aid first thing to get an idea on what to say when I do ring the Police as I definitely will be doing. I just don’t want it to seem calculated or over emotional. I’m so scared they will think I am just being a bitter woman. I have never felt fear about him being around the kids but now I am realising how much this has affected me I cannot imagine leaving him alone with them. My daughter tonight said ‘I wish every day could be like this’ and my mind was made up instantly.
I don’t care what people think of me, I am not putting my beautiful girls at risk of his temper, even if it isn’t ‘physical’ with them, it is just as harmful.
I have been reading through texts from the last few times I went out and I feel like I’ve been living with a stranger. So much manipulation and petulance when he couldn’t get his own way in coercing me to go back home. I don’t know how I fell for it!
Luckily I have kept them all without even realising how important they may be.
Thanks again for all your advice every single response has given me that bit more strength. I really hope I can help someone else some day even just a little bit. Xx
9th March 2019 at 11:54 pm #73839IwantmebackParticipant
Hi again Cheesequeen, you’ve no idea how much your post has made me smile. I’m imagining you at your mum’s with the new fold down bed, with your children around you and you’re all smiling now, cos you can. 😘
I so wish I’d kept the texts my husband sent me when he called me names in them but I’m a tidy freak and hate clutter on my phone, I don’t even keep the texts from my kids.
If you phone the police let them know you want to speak to someone from the domestic abuse branch/division. What I would do is have a notebook with all his behaviour written in it. Have as much factual info included. They won’t think you’re calculated or over emotional. As to being bitter, who wouldn’t be just a little bit in our shoes?
The very best of luck, every time I read of a lady leaving her abuser, it makes me so happy. One day I hope to be able to write that I’ve done the same and will still continue to give support to those who need it so much.
They may only be words from strangers, but as far as I’m concerned you’re all sisters I’ve yet to meet. God bless everyone of you💜💜
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