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I’m writing about it on here although it’s not a huge positive on outside I’ve just purchased the freedom
Online course because I darent face yet people and agencies but I do genuinely feel like I am ready to accept I don’t think I
Know it all about why my husband does what he does That actually I’m not in control by putting up with it.. -
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Oh let me know how it goes… WA gave me details of a new organisation in my city but it’s miles away and only open 10-5 when I’m at work so it’s not looking likely I can do the programme there ..online might be an option. … Although I do think I’d benefit from some group support …but WA said there isn’t really anything else where I live and that my city is known for poor DV provision
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Hi ladies, I’ve nearly completed the online Freedom Programme and I heartily recommend it. It gives an insight to the dominator and all the different personalities that he uses to control. I don’t think that any one abuser falls neatly into any one category but the different persona are ‘mix and match’. What I would say is that the programme looks at the whole spectrum and many abusers are not overt and physical – just don’t think that your partner must be a non-abuser because he is not extreme. This does not diminish the behaviour of the sly abuser, the insidious abuser, the abuser who tries to present a false image to society. Only YOU will recognise his behaviours because they are saved for you. Covert emotional abuse is not imagined nor it it OK. If you learn what personas your partner is using for control you will be better defended because you will see that he fits the mould and you are not imagining the abuse – which he will deny and diminish afterwards. I always say keep a diary too. Quote what persona he is using on that day so you can refer back to it when the denials come. Take care. X
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LozzyX, I’m in the same boat. I work full time and all the FP providers have sessions during the day and are miles away. It was suggested I do the online one, but I really wanted to be able to interact with people in similar positions. The only support I get is here on this forum. The police’s DV charity allocated me a support worker, but she only worked 2 days a week 9 till 4, so no good for me. I was asked if I’d like an out of hours call, but all they did was ring and tell me they couldn’t offer me anything!
Maybe time to do the online version, although I did read “Living with the Dominator”. Well, part of it…. My ex found where I’d hidden it and chucked it on the fire. Wonder why…?
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Thanks for the insightful reply @Doris. Very much appreciated. I suppose looking at it realistically, if there’s nowhere to go and speak to others in the same circumstances, the online FP is better than nothing.
Much love to all
IWMB 💕💕 -
That’s such good advice .. especially on how they don’t just take on one of the characters ( roles) .. I’ve read living with the dominator but so far taking the course slowly online and I admit it would be so much better with others and discussing what we have put for answers etc but as it’s not completely an option for me I’m so glad for the online world !
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hi iv done the freedom program/you me and mum and the just me programs (detail removed by moderator) i loved all of them,its recognising aswell that its not just your ex or partners behaviour that is domestic violance it can also include his familylike it did with me and still is him and his parents are typical n********t iv had physical mental emotional and an assortment of wepons used against me all logged by police from day 1 (Detail removed by moderator) reported incidents of dv in (removed by moderator) years him nd his parents have found out were i live again nd i refuse to move again he has just been released (removed by moderator) sentance for sblowing my eye socket and multiple facial fractures iv got 2 restraing orders out nd it took him (removed by moderator) to breach then again a week later hes remanded again me and my (removed by moderator) back under marac again for a year were high risk for the rest of our lifes i refuse to live in hiding or live in fear your only as free as you alow yourself to be iv been very lucky in the help iv recieved and still am of impact so if anyone needs anyone to talk to or rant at im here….
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Hi warriorangel,
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’ve had to edit it your post in case it could identify you on here. I’m sorry to read of the very serious abuse you have been through. It sounds like you have developed huge strength in how you cope, and have been proactive in trying to protect yourself and learn about the dynamics of domestic abuse. I’m pleased you have received good support. Thank you for sharing and for offering to use your experience to help others.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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I am so sorry to hear what has happened and is happening .. your name speaks volumes you are a warrior.
It’s horrific what they’ve put you through . I think you are so so brave and wonderful as are all of u lovely ladies
I’m still working through the work sheets because I went back to just reading the book and I’m just finding things left right and centre aside from what I’ve called the obvious incidents resulting in injury.
Small things Like leaving house without keys ! This he always does so I have to either stay in or ensure I’m not far cus if he returns and can’t get in he kicks off I never thought that small thing is an indicator.
I copied a key and have it hidden for patio cus of being “ accidentallyocked in” before.
These things to me were just normal.
He’s started to sleep with me more and more when I’m asleep and I’m
Not meant to be on pill because he says I’m hormonal ( I should just lie but I do worry he will find if taking pill) he’s slways pulled out with outbfail but the last few months he’s started to finish the job so to speak when I’m half asleep or by holding down . I wonder if really even though he says he’d hate to have another child whether he’s trying the opposite because it’s always almost 2 weeks from when I’m on .?!
I’m waffling now so sorry. Just processing little pieces of behaviour and it’s scaring me
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Hi Anononagain, aye his actions are definately the opposite of his words. Have you bought a pregnancy test yet, to be on the safe side. I take it his holding you down wasn’t aggressive, more so he used his weight against you.
Is it any wonder we go off men for a while. I’m sick and tired of being groped in the hopes it’ll lead to sex. I’m tired of turning my back, pulling my pjs up and top down. Of constantly saying no. Sorry, this was your post and I’ve just hijacked it😒
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You have so not hi jacked at all I so value more than I can put to typing your replies and everyone’s. I really really know what you mean about constantly saying no. It’s been that way of saying no up till last few months now he’s twisted what I once told him and said that I need him to initiate and continue so on occasions the holding down can be aggressive depending on his desires that night.. lately the porn he’s watching is all about humiliation to the female and I think his toughness is more acting out what he sees not being violent to me but I do get so annoyed when I’m trying to move him or hands and it’s useless cus that eggs him on more . He likes tears . So shamefully I try my hardest to cry quicker to get it over with if he’s not taking no for answer. Arhhh it’s hopefully a phase . It’s so frazzling isn’t it . I haven’t taken a test .. But date wise if I were to be it’d be recent so I’d not know… inhope you are having a good start to your weekend? X
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I’d like to add as I’m feeling guilty that I have made outbhe never takes no for answer. There are times he will accept no and sulk and that’s not great I know but he doesn’t force on those occasions. It’s when he’s drunk or I am in the shared bed etc
( sicknof floor some nights!!!) which makes me think well if I didn’t want it I wouldn’t go to our bed but as I type this I feel so weird and sick as actually that’s ridiculous!!! -
I know my oh does the same, will turn his back and sulk too. He’s never forced me as such but has shown me how easy it would be to rape me. He tries to say he’s not groping me then proceeds to ‘show’ me the difference. He’s now taken to counting the days since we last did anything which was something i did way back in the beginning of our relationship, you know how long it had been since we last saw each other, but he’s turned it around to jyst about sex now. I knew sex was a big part of our relationship, just didn’t realise that he used it to control me. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, didn’t hurt anyone in the process, but i did things to prove how much l loved him, which he now uses to make me feel dirty. We’Ve all pretended to orgasm so he’ll do the same, so if crying makes him finish quickly, at the end of the day, we do what we do to survive. My oh too watches porn though I’ve not heard him watching it for a while now. It’s not something I was ever into, though would watch with him at times, but it bored me and it just wasnt my thing. I’d much rather read a book.
Just because you share a bed is in no ways the green light for sex, again it’s another lie women have been told for generations. Don’t feel bad or weird about it💞
i can feel us getting further and further apart, I’m hoping he leaves of his own accord but I’m not holding my breath. There’s a good few years left on our mortgage and I’ll be d…ed if I’m losing out on any financial rewards fron this marriage ending. I walked away with nothing from the last one and my kids were tiny them. Unless things get really violent I can bide my time. I’ve lived with an emotional and verbal abuser fir well over 2 decades, a few years more won’t hurt me. If it gets too much, I’m not that proud to not leave, but I have my old age to think of too.
I’m finding the more I’m on this forum the stronger I’m getting ,I’m glimpsing me again, the woman who won’t take any c..p.
Here’s to a good weekend💛💜 -
Hi, if he doesn’t go to the doctor’s with you, could you get an implant, or the Mirena coil instead of having to hide the pill? That way he won’t have any idea, so can’t blame being hormonal for your natural reactions to his abuse. The Mirena has the added bonus of no periods.
I’m sorry you’re having to cry to get him to finish earlier, but I can understand entirely. Because he drank, my ex had a difficult time finishing, and would take forever, then blame me for it. If there was anything I could do to shorten that time I would. That is something I hadn’t even admitted to myself, and it was such a relief to be able to say so here and know that no-one judged me for ‘letting’ it happen. That people understood how and why, and empathised truly. It helped me to get through the interview when I admitted it to the police.
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