- This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 days, 18 hours ago by
BellaBella.
-
AuthorPosts
-
-
1st February 2025 at 3:14 pm #173834
gettingtoknowmyself
ParticipantFeeling bothered and dejected… It’s been a fair while since I escaped my abusive relationship with my ex. But just as I was starting to feel positive about my new life in 2025 – lovely friends as a support network, a great home, career going well – I get the news that 1) he already has a new girlfriend and 2) one of his best female friends is back on the scene and has been meeting up with my friends privately, under the pretence of ‘expanding her female friendship group’.
It was quite unsettling when I found out. I tried to accept that people can meet up with whoever they like, I have no control of that, and I trusted my friends not to engage in gossip over what happened. But I’ve since learnt that she is forcing his ‘version’ of events on to everyone who will listen, tries to arrange meet-ups between my friends and his new girlfriend – and I’ve noticed some distance between myself and my own friends recently. I’m starting to worry she’s slowly winning them over to his web of lies and slander. It feels like a punch to the gut, especially after spending all this time healing and building up what I believed to be a strong support network.
I don’t know what to do, or how to manage the feelings. I don’t know whether it’s something I ultimately have any control over, and whether I will just need to keep my head held high and move on if necessary? I don’t really want to get hooked into some ongoing drama with them all. I’m sure my ex would love that – he’d have the popcorn out.
Ugh.
-
1st February 2025 at 3:41 pm #173836
InShock
ParticipantReally sorry to hear that. Luckily mine and my ex-husbands friendship groups are separate but it is still very hard since I made friends with his friends’ wives and our groups of friends intermingled. And since I escaped (timeframe removed by Moderator) (his abuse escalated and we weren’t safe to remain in the home), none of them have checked on me — so I’m pretty sure he’s told them some fabricated stories about me (most of which I’ve heard via my lawyer).
It’s very very difficult. Especially as someone new to motherhood who should be feeling safe and at peace.OP, with time you’ll learn who is really your friend and who isn’t. I’d say try not to worry about it for now and distance from people who seem convinced by this person’s lies. Is there someone you’re particularly close to that you can confide your fear to? Or might that not be very safe to do / would that “stir the pot”?
Good luck
-
1st February 2025 at 5:05 pm #173839
gettingtoknowmyself
ParticipantThat’s really tough escaping the relationship (timeframe removed by Moderator) – I commend you. You did the right thing for your safety and the safety of your child. I didn’t reach that point with my ex (although it was on the agenda), but yes, I understand it will add huge difficulties. Especially when your support group has shut down. I hope you can find a safe space and community asap.
There possibly are one or two close friends to relay my worries back to, but yes, I’m worried it might stir things up. Not just socially, but psychologically. I don’t really want to be perceived as the paranoid ex-girlfriend. I almost wonder whether my healing process would complete itself once I’ve removed from this whole network of people, and the city itself.
-
-
1st February 2025 at 4:30 pm #173838
minimeerkat
Participantsome ex partners like this actually manage to ensure their ‘side of the story’ is out there even prior to any break up so you were lucky to have found such a wonderful support network when it was desperately needed. so what is now happening will be making you feel very unsettled – its possible your ex partner wasnt impressed to find that you were doing just fine without him so his reaction to this has been to start a smear campaign. which is going to be a time when you really do find out who you true friends really are. we will naturally want to defend ourselves & ensure the truth is known but doing this sadly makes us appear to be the person an ex partner is portraying so staying silent is usually the best thing to do. if they really are your friends they will not wish to be involved with someone who is clearly attempting to smear you. and i know it would be wrong to try dictating who our friends mix with but when abuse is involved staying ‘safe’ is our priority – and that normally means having no contact with anyone connected to our ex partners in any way shape or form
you are right not to want to get involved in any drama this may cause as it is probably exactly what your ex partner is hoping for. so maybe just wait & see at the moment who prove to be your real friends – i hope with all my heart that most of them are loyal to you. stay strong
i read somewhere once & have said it before ‘there are no two sides to the story when it comes to abuse – there is only the truth’ x
-
1st February 2025 at 5:12 pm #173840
gettingtoknowmyself
ParticipantThanks for this, it was what I needed to hear. It’s a definite smear campaign he’s been operating for months, but yes – I’ve never been interested in engaging with drama or adding fuel to fire. It will be sad if my ‘friends’ turn out to be unreliable and turn against me. But, ultimately, I’d rather walk away with my head held high to prove that I can be and do and see so much more out in the world!
It’s difficult though, yep. I feel like victims are d****d if we do, d****d if we don’t. If I were to lash out and tell the truth about him to his social group, he could argue I’m just proving myself as the ‘crazy ex’. If I keep my head down and stay quiet, he gets to go around calling proof that I’m guilty of his slander, and that I’m just too ashamed to speak out. Literally cannot win.
My heart goes out to this new woman he’s with. I hope she’ll be OK.
-
-
2nd February 2025 at 12:01 pm #173869
minimeerkat
Participantif necessary (if others do end up being fooled into believing any lies & distortions) then you continue as normal being your usual fabulous self – you hold your head up high. let your quiet dignity & your integrity say everything for you – allowing enough time pass for the truth to actually show itself x
-
4th February 2025 at 6:49 am #173890
EvenSerpentsShine
ParticipantReally feel for you, this is such a miserable thing to happen. These people really are a gift that just keeps giving aren’t they.
On that thought though, it seems like it’s pretty much accepted that abusive people don’t change. So these people don’t go away. They are going to be circulating in our societies and our lives forever.
All of us are going to have to learn to live with them, whether we like it or not.
The number one thing it to get ourselves and children and animals out of danger out of their space and to understand what they do and how they do it well enough that we’ll never go back. You’ve done that, the most important thing. Number two thing is to get their destructive influence out of our careers and financial lives and it seems like you’ve done that. You’ve done the really important stuff, all the stuff that really matters.
Try not to let this panic you. Personally I’m still in early days and my fear reaction is still ruling my life and knocking me off course the whole time.
it may not turn out as bad as you think.
Totally agree with mini meerkat just be your fabulous, likeable self and keep your dignity. After all, it’s him and his sidekicks who are pursuing you into your new life and behaving like the ‘crazy’ ex-es who can’t just move on and leave you alone.
maybe you’ll end up being really close friends with his new girlfriend! I wonder how long he’ll carry on liking that situation.
Good luck. -
5th February 2025 at 10:23 am #173929
BellaBella
ParticipantSadly abusers often have groupies that despite knowing exactly what they are continue to support them. I remember feeling wounded to the core when I saw some of them publicly trying to mitigate his behaviour by smearing me on social media! One of them even a memeber of my own family! I’d read somewhere in the early days of leaving about abusers needing to feed off their targets so any reaction positive or negative gave them what they need. So I learned to be silent in response! Our lack of reaction and silence is deafening to them and to anyone who looks to be supporting them! The less you respond the more they look to be abusive.
The other thing that hit home very hard was that anyone who is aware of the abuser and continued to be a part of their lives in any way is complicit, and that left a very nasty taste in my mouth as I realised that they were playing a part setting up the next victim, and history was about to repeat itself for the umpteenth time. I feel fear for the replacement.
I promised myself to maintain my dignity and to do everything in the right way regardless of what was said about me because I actually know I’m a good person and can now see through those that are not. I did remove myself from the lives of a few people I considered to be close friends, that I loved and I told them why ,very simply, that I could not associate with people that condoned abuse.
It hurts like hell to feel like you’ve been made to feel and I will never understand how manipulative and horrible some people can be, especially some women, we should have each others backs!
I’m still silent in that direction, the abuse still continues, the violence has gone but the smear campaign is still ongoing but I just don’t give it the brain space even though I know if I responded I could discredit each individual in the very same way and they know it, but thats what I think gave me my power back, I can if I want, I just dont! Staying silent, learning to be strong, getting a conviciton and restraining orders to protect me and my daughter was a long hard and very worthwhile journey. The opinions of a very small group of toxic people really don’t matter in comparison to that!
What I do now is try to use what I have experienced and learned in the right way, I have publicly spoken up about what happenend to me in in the hope that we can break the silence and encourage more women to seek help.
The previous comments are absolutely right! Dignity is the key, the only way to maintain this is to rise way above these people, hold your head up high and your middle finger much higher 😉
Take good care 🙂
-
-
AuthorPosts
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.