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One my friends is constantly defending his behaviours. She says because im autistic i am blowing things out proportion likely. Note ghis friend is just a online friend ive known a long time. Not met me or him.
She tries justifies all his actions. However everyone else ( friends and womans aid) tells me he is abusing me. I dont know what to think anymore. I feel like im going crazy.
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Hey ALL, you know your truth, and like you’ve said, she doesnt have all the information, she wasn’t there and has never met either of you. Try not to hang her, maybe try to see this is as a communication error on her behalf instead. Sometimes we think we are helping a friend by pointing out what the opposing side could be, to challenge that it might not be how you percieve it to be, to try to be helpful to the friend, we’re honest and truthful with a friend because we know this is what they need from us, however, heres where it gets difficult, a good friend also knows, although doesnt always get it right, when it’s time to offer your unwaivering support and keep your thoughts to yourself. I myself am still working on this!
I would accept this is how she is, that her knowledge and skills are limited for now, and this is good in a way as it means she’s never experienced abuse, accept she doesn’t get it and likely never will and avoid talking to her about him again. Talk about other stuff instead, sometimes this is equally as helpful as having a confidante as it gives us the mental break we need. We kind of come to learn who to talk to and who not to as some folk get it and others do not. Normal logic and rational reasoning simply doesnt apply in an abusive relationship and this is the error a lot of folk make – and its always those who have never experienced it. Chat on here – one of the great things about doing this on here is you never have to explain – we get where you are in an instant because we’ve been there. The helpline is also good too of course if you need it xx
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Tell her nothing. She’ll only add confusion and stress for you. There are many reasons why she might be doing this. Stay focused on you and those who understand and are supporting you.
When I first met my husband there were red flags galore. At the time I was in training and particularly close with a colleague. I really respected her. I’d tell her my worries and she’d question whether it was me being distant and avoidant after a previous failed relationship. I wish I’d trusted myself more. My gut was telling me what was wrong. Looking back I suspect she may have been in an abusive marriage herself which she wasn’t ready to admit and so in defending my husband she was defending hers too. -
She sounds like she’s really overpowering with what she says to you. I know that online friends can be a lifeline but when they’re saying things the opposite of what your real life friends are saying you need to try and step back and tell yourself they’re words on a page. She doesn’t know you as a person or him. Keep her at arms length for a bit and just stop conversations about him. She has no idea 💖💖
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Friends who defend them or even tell you that maybe you are the one with the problems are not friends. Having autism or not, an abuser is an abuser. They prey on people who are nicer, kinder, have had emotional problems, they are emotional vampires. If she’s not met either of you, she really has got no right to say what she has, as does anyone else. You are the one in the relationship, not her.
Take baby steps, we don’t need anyone in our lives who make us feel bad, worthless, stupid, ugly,fat,etc.
Sorry got a bit ranty there. Take care of yourself. I’ve since cut off contact with people just like your friend since leaving my oh.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
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