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    • #125458
      Highway61
      Participant

      Has anyone else lost friends after coming to terms with an abusive relationship? My husband is coercive and emotionally abusive he is and has been Mr Happy since we broke up. Is lovebombing the children and has told all his friends/family that we broke up, essentially because I have paranoid mental health problems…managed to be very nice about me but still make it sound like it’s just a misunderstanding. All this I understand is part of the abuse what I am struggling with now is a friend with whom I was very close who doesn’t seem to let me speak about what’s happened. She has said ‘well, at least he is seeing the kids’. Or, ‘yes, it does take a while to adjust after a break up’ she is being friendly otherwise and we are getting on but I feel like she does not accept the abuse and is trying to imply that I have OCD like she does or that I am being a bit dramatic and my break up is just like anybody else’s. I don’t know whether to confront her about it or just to step away from her a bit. I feel let down by her really. Has anyone else had to distance themselves from old friends or had friends who minimise the abuse. I’m sad about it. I don’t have many close friends around where I live and I feel a bit sad and isolated that she is not someone that I can speak openly with.

    • #125464
      iliketea
      Participant

      Hi, just wanted to jump in and say hi and yes I’ve experienced this too, just on Friday. One friend who seems to be supportive on the surface but when I try and actually talk about it, I get things like “I’m allowed to have my own opinion”, and things like that. Sometimes I feel that some people, when they know you have been through an abusive relationship, almost see it as a green light to be abusive too, subtly but I’ve noticed a couple of friends when they’re having bad days now use me as a bit of a punch bag when they would never have done previous to what Ive been through. SO, no words of wisdom except recognising it is a first step to anything. Personally, I step away, I don’t make a thing of it, likely those friends may have n********tic tendencies too which is possibly why we’re friends but that is a longer piece of work to work on our friendships and relationships going forward. Recognise, note, note to self, how does it make you feel, what do you want, then go from there. Big hug, you’re not alone, its s**t and can make you feel very lonely. But you have come a long way, be proud of that and, if that friend needs to be put on the back burner for a while because she’s not giving you what you need, then so be it. But most of all, you get to choose. x*x

      • #125477
        Highway61
        Participant

        Hi, thanks for your message and understanding. I think I am realising that I want to step away a bit from her. I feel like I might be repeating some of the patterns that I had I my relationship with my husband. I think she does have some n********tic behaviour and I ‘understand’ her so try and compensate and excuse what is really quite hurtful behaviour. I think I am finding her difficult because the way I feel is similar to the way I feel with him NOTE THAT! Thank you so much for your support and understanding. All the best to you x

    • #125465
      3Cats
      Participant

      Hi Highway61,

      Yes, I can totally empathise with you. During the time I was with my abusive ex, my circle of friends naturally became smaller and smaller as he isolated and manipulated me – to the point that I felt ashamed talking to anyone except for 1 or 2 close friends who tried to understand, but even then, 1 eventually basically told me to leave him or she couldn’t speak to me anymore as “my drama” (her words) was beginning to affect her mental health! She basically said she couldn’t understand why I stayed because it was obviously so bad – this showed her total lack of understanding. A lot of friends simply stopped reaching out and that hurt too.

      Since leaving, and I don’t mean to sound selfish, I have only stayed in contact with those who actually seemed supportive during the time I was with him or have circled back into my life and have apologised for not being there for me. I’ve just decided to focus on who is best for me. I still don’t think the ones that circled back understand what went on, but at least they’re willing to admit that they had to step away and are now making up for it. I don’t know whether other people, yourself included, have found this but I find my male friends have been FAR more supportive than females too. I can’t work that one out!

      Please remember, how other people behave or react is a reflection on THEM, not you. I know it’s hard to not take things personally, I struggle a lot with this still and I’m quite a long time out of my abusive relationship. Those that really care will always be there, after all this time I have realised that – I think you will too. And these are the best friendships to have, the best to nurture and hold on to. My contact list on my phone is probably a 10th of what it was! But though it hurt a lot to start with, it’s comforting to know those ones left are there for me (as an aside, I have made 1 or 2 new friends, just through daily life, who don’t yet know too much about what I went through – this is actually quite comforting sometimes as I know they won’t ask a lot of questions, sometimes you don’t need that, right haha?!).

      Take good care, sending lots of hugs and support x x

      • #125474
        Highway61
        Participant

        Thank you for your message. It can feel like such a lonely process sometimes, it is only coming on the forum and hearing my own experience reflected back at me that I know I haven’t gone completely mad and imagined the whole thing! It is really good to have friends who know nothing because it means you can exist in a world where he doesn’t exist at all!!! Brilliant! But we also need closer friendships than that don’t we? Yes, my friendships were like yours, the person I am taking about it is 1 out of 2 close friends I had when I was with him. I am just shocked really and sad that I now feel isolated by her. Learning to hold your space and value those who you trust the most. Urgh! It’s hard work isn’t it? So, thank you for your message and hugs x*x

    • #125479
      kangaroopaw
      Participant

      I know how you feel. I was very close to my sister but trying to explain what I was going through she could not understand and in the end I stopped revealing personal issues to her about him. She doesn’t want to know.
      I’ve stopped sharing with any friends.
      Safe Only here, I’m new and I know I can trust all of you

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