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I’m away atm with ‘friends’ and I’m finding it tough….asd I reckon a couple are his sympathisers, ( they don’t know the whole picture) I am not about to bare my soul now or ever, to them, as a group it’s far far too stressful, it’s not a therapy session! it’s meant to be a ‘jolly’ booked months ago and he was meant to be here, even though I ended up paying for it all..no surprise.
One of the group really has big issues, she always seems to support these type of men, (not even partners or close) she is what I’ve been told, is an emotional vampire! She mirrors me constantly, to a point where I’m feeling like, I’m with him…I feel really anxious, and am thinking I have to be one step ahead, she plays mind games telling me what I should think – opinion wise about things, and copying my dress style, and likes about hobbies…then delivering it to the group, likes its all her own!
There’s other stuff, she dominates, by dictating our day,the routine, food shopping, what we should do in order, micro managing! Horrendous! I don’t want a big row, but she’s really doing my head in!
I feel like she’s trying to put me down, in small subtle ways…not blatantly apparent to the group..
I was meant to have a double room …guess what I’ve got the box room…!
She comes in to it, looks around and try’s to convince me …yours is nicer than my room, my room smells damp! (It’s not nicer it’s horrid, and her room is huge and lovely!) seriously what Is she on!?She’s already organising what people have for breakfast and what our day will consist of! The other 2 are A couple….they don’t seem to notice her as she is gushing niceness all over them quite manically! So they are effectively ‘love bombed’ by her I’ll do this that the other, drive the car, blah blah blah!
Not good ladies, I’m struggling, I’m just not going to get involved, keep,her at arms length, I feel she’s digging for info about & for him (she’s text him before she told me, just not what she said!!) and she wants confrontation…same feeling I had …when I was with him. She linked arms with me…even her mannerisms are similar, yesterday (something I hated, and he would do) and she drives really agressively, fast…talks fast, eats fast!
She drops things and drags things out of cupboards, Think she’s passive aggressive, like him! Omg as I’m typing this it’s quite weird to see that she’s so so similar.
She asks me pointed questions and puts me on the spot, as it to peuposely wants to make me uncomfortable…talking about him, like we are still together, no sensitivity at all!
Can’t believe thy are so similar! Yet if I said to one of the others …do you see what’s she’s like? She’d probably say, no and that I have the problem!This! Is what we are up against with manipulative people…coercive control…takes me back to being with him, thank G this is only a few days, and I won’t be doing this ever again, not with her! I’ve got another trip, she organised, ( like he would in advance without big concern for me)….I’m definitely not going!
Had to tell you all! It not good ladies not good at all!
Do you get me?!?Cx
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How awful for you. I totally get you. Full of triggers. Can you fake illness and stay in your (damp) room? Or say the dampness is making you ill and go home early? Or plan a day by yourself. Just say you want a bit of time to yourself. My ex got even worse when we were away and he knew I had no escape. Knowing I would have to put up with his dreadful behaviour and I actually had to pretend I was having a good time! At least this trip has opened your eyes and you never have to see her again after this. It’s your choice who you allow in your life.
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KIP thanks ..for responding!
I’ve been woken up her banging around…like he used to…’accidently’ on purpose!
I wouldn’t be here at all unless I’d paid a lot of money for 2 people to travel! I thought about the idea of not going…then I felt like she had manipulated me into not going …but having to pay the money! So it was a no way out situ.
I’m going to grin and bear it and vent on here.
My ex was also a complete and utter selfish self centred nightmare on holiday…always wrecking the nice moments.
Triggers are everywhere.
Also the couple…she bends over backwards to pleas him, he can be v loud and an agressive ‘debater’ always thinks his opinion is right…ummm that sounds familiar situation with my ex!
She never leave him…she is so kind a nod lovely and has issues of her own re being abandoned in childhood…& so she will stay put regardless.I will avoid avoid avoid in future.
Cx
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Sorry you are having a hard time Cuppa. As I was reading your post I was thinking well done you for spotting all of these traits in her – you can see what she is so clearly and this gives you the upper hand with her. I hope I will be able to spot an abuser next time one is near me! Hope your time away ends soon and you can get back to peace! xx
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Poor you.
She sounds really hard work!
How about suggesting to the others that you all muck in and give her a break from her organising today and take over and have a relaxed day where you “go with the flow” not stick to her military style precision?
If she keeps organising you try joking about having brought your mother with you in disguise – that might work!
I really appreciate what you must be feeling – makes for a stress filled time not the relaxing break you needed. But as confused says good on you for going – that took guts.
I bet shes quite an insecure person and overcompensates to cope but that doesn’t help when you’re on the receiving end.
Maybe a bit of quiet time for you is needed…. a walk to clear your head maybe?
Try to get some relaxation xxxx -
Big thanks!
For the great suggestions!!
I have managed to grit my teeth, and rise above the bait!I’ve even managed to get a few…home truths…into the conversation!
All in all ( even though she’s a control freak!) I’m going with the flow…
Though spending too much money…she’s insisting on spending liberally & coercing me too…etc, I’m not giving her the satisfaction of me pleading poverty!
She is far too judgemental to ever understand my financial abuse crisis!!!
Thank G you do!
Hugs xC
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Hello ladies
I had a ‘lightbulb’ moment …and I know I’m sickenenly correct. The friend I described is unfortunately a n********t…eeek!
We have been friends many years and I always wondered about her behaviour…self serving, ingratiating, passive agressive…however 2 main characteristics…jumped out at me, while I was away, and one of these I wasn’t aware of until tonight, is a major characteristic of a narc….is envy/jealousy!
Apparently not only are narcs jealous of of others and want to suck them dry, taking anything of theirs they can, material and emotional/personality…but they also think people are envious of them!!
Too many incidences to post atm, but a couple are taking a direct idea of mine, re a property for a (detail removed by Moderator) extension I had…which guess what?! she’s is doing, now I have lost my house. & I reckon she’s in contact with him, as a sympathiser.Also she researches up on my friends (their property cost etc…weird)and has sent them emails as if she’s the main friend, not me, talking about them in a over familiar way, and she just isn’t what she is making out she is!
The other is no empathy, which is difficult to stomach as she was in a (detail removed by Moderator) profession! All practical input no actual sympathy &/or emotion for human beings.
I have been puzzled for many years trying to figure her out,any acts of kindness are always directed back to her, dramatically …& seemingly outwardly generous, yet I noticed she’s actually money mad! Although like my ex was stashing it away, she asks anyone for their last penny…just not a sign of generosity!
Other signs are that whole trip…and there have been many others, have been organised by her for her (totally the same as my ex!!) the whole regimental attitude, we are doing X today y tomorrow, can’t wait to boss people around, with a SMILE! Same as him, in public.
It’s actually very stressful to discover this so blatantly under my nose as I’m going through the breakup with him…who she supports and would do anything to get us back together..Mirroring is another major trait, and while away she was describing herself very similarly to myself, although we are obviously not the same, or in the same profession…
I’m finding when I’m trying to relay this to you it’s the same feeling as describing him, their mannerisms are extremely similar! How can that be?!
Down to hard back slapping & linking/dragging me…in whatever direction she wants to go…(passive agressive)
Asking a 1000 questions about ins/outs of every tiny event in my life..micro managing, lying, she try’s to impress on me what I should choose to do, making decisions for me…& gas lighting! I felt push ails quite sick being in her presence, same as him…I read that is common with emotional vampires.
She has these mannerisms like nervous coughing, and banging crockery around like him!
The list goes on…actually it’s helpful way to recall my journey with him because she’s the same!All done covertly, all wrapped up in a friendship package!
I must stay away from her, she’s bad for my health!
Cx -
Lightbulb moment indeed. Sounds more like Blackpool illuminations to me!
Arms length from now on and share nothing with her, least of all details of what’s going on with him.
I replied to you before that i wondered if she was insecure. I was trying to look for positives, as usual for me but your interpretation seems very likely too. Do the other friends you went with have any thoughts about her?
Hope you’re back home in your own bed now out of your damp little room. At thjs time of night we both should be askeep xx -
Thanks White Rose…
Unsure about her insecurities, its her ‘way’ shes relentless…even on the road stop coming home…I bought some cakes for us all to share as a thanks…she whipped out this plastic box full of home made mince pies :))) have to laugh oud loud! thrust them right into my face…I said Im done with xmas thanks : )
…anyone else would have had the good manners to say thanks and accept a gesture of friendship…not her!Another creepy incident…I was making cakes and she was shoving this whisk in my face saying use this use this…(virtuallly jumping up and down had to make me do what she wanted!)..the more she said it the more I refused! i said when you do it, do it your way…when I do it, I do it MY way!
That is my lot! when I get the full measure of people… thats the cut off point..The other pair are a couple, shes very subservient and hes quite loud, they are quite seemingly unaware of the jist of it, they see it as her being nice…its not, its controlling behaviour, we all know all about that!
phew thank G to be home! I’m not doing it again, I cant afford it anyway.
soz about the rant but …well WOW!Cx
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Cuppa had some friends like that. I no-longer have friends like that.
I even had one trying to use my name to get money out of someone she had never met.
What she didn’t know was I was in another room.
I was polite and sent her away. She tried it again when I wasn’t there again was sent politely on her way.When you take thme out of your life you have room for healthier friends.
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With so called friends like that who needs enemies!
I can relate to these sort of people absolutely and I think the problem for survivors is that we dont look for narcs outside our narc men because our energy is taken up on getting thru each day.You are right that deep inside narcs are seething with envy and lies and deception–we get pulled into their psychological lair.
The positive in all this is that we now know that actually these characters are not rare breeds-they are all over the place but we are qualified to spot them and get rid!!
Better to be on our own a bit more and living without this c..p.
Sounds as if (Cuppa) you managed really well and made a great diagnosis!
Glad you have her/them sorted.
Jupiter -
Hi Ladies.. right on!
They are narcs everywhere
So upsetting to put 2&2 together & find that someone who you have been close to was actually ..sucking you dry for their own sad life!Good to share these posts..It’s important to be able to say these things out loud… Otherwise it would really drag us under!
As I feel her gaslighting is making me anxious her being his sympathiser!
No doubt she has huge ‘issues’ she’ll need to sort out.. I have no energy for these types any more!Thanks again
Cx -
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