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    • #136248
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Christmas and the dreaded new year always makes you reflect on life doesnt it?
      You see social media posts about how others have enjoyed themselves or from those who are being supported and loved ive never been a jelous person and im not now but this week ive found nyself crying over the thought of how pants things are. My kids are growing dont need me as much anymore, what friends i do have seem to have other friends better lives freedom that I dont have and that makes me sad. I feel as if im no longer needed i feel like im frozen in time whilst others change around me does that make sense? He feels it too i think he seems down sad almost he keeps going on about how things are changing and its not good. I dont try anymore and so because of that we dont do anything anymore as a family or with friends its just all so dull all so sad. Now i see what he does what he is I find it so hard to love him be near him and i know he feels it too and i feel full of guilt.
      I dont want my kids to grow and leave I dont want things to change but I dont want to live this life either. Im actually wishing id never started this never opened up never accepted things it almost feels like this is worse than living a lie Im sorry im always moaning arent I maybe its just the new year maybe its time of the month maybe its just me being a moaning wingebag I am so angry at myself for always moaning and not knowing what the hell I want I just needed to get it out my head b4 it drove me mad.
      Thank you for allowing me I need to find a way to live with this new knowledge to not let it consume my every waking moment to try and enjoy life I guess and not allow it to distroy me.

    • #136253
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hey lovely Nbumblebee, what you describe, where you are now is a very difficult place as your eyes are open and you are seeing more, once you see the abuse you cannot unsee it. I wanted to ask you, is your husband also unhappy? As when I was where you are I could see my husband wasn’t happy, he used to tell me that coming home made him unhappy, I then started to see he was unhappy with me as well as he was actually not happy about anything in life. Nothing I had done/did made any difference and I didn’t want our children seeing this unhappy, abusive marriage as a blue print of what a relationship is for them.
      You have come so far lovely, are you keeping a journal still? It can really help when you feel frozen to read over it?
      You are not moaning, you do not whinge, it has nothing to do with your periods, this is how you feel and for good reason, your husband has been working on you for a long time, it will take time for you to understand and undo the damage.
      Keep posting Nbumblebee ❤
      I feel I post on here too much but the truth is I have no where else for support, when I read other posts where women apologise for posting etc It always makes me realise that it is OK to post, in fact, you Nbumblebee, are strong, inspiring (you kept your job 💙 against his wishes) you are brave and strong and you have come so far
      Lots of love ❤ and keep posting

    • #136254
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Thank you @hereforhelp means alot.
      My husband is unhapoy he tells me so and has been for a while since i started my job. He says things are changing and he doesnt like it I feel so much guilt he really is unhapoy and i know its my fault. If i tried harder then he wouldnt be so unhappy but i just cant i just dont have it in me anymore. I just cant see a way through a way where we can both be happy again and that, that is my fault. Xx

    • #136255
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Big hugs Nbumblebee ❤
      His unhappiness is absolutely NOT your fault sweetie, say you had a friend who got a Job and was happier working… what would you say to them if she said working made her husband unhappy and nasty towards her? And yes, I agree with you that there isn’t a way for you both to be happy as HE is emotionally abusing you to get his own way… basically for you to do as he wants but he will still not be happy, he us an abuser, they are not happy, authentic, rational or reasonable people… they abuse to get there way and once they get their way it is still not enough and never will be. It can make you feel insane and utterly exhausted.
      If you left your Job then what? You would be home more, how would he react? When has any of the things you have undoubtedly done to make life/marriage happier/calmer really worked?
      His happiness is absolutely not your responsibility.

      • #136304
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        @hereforhelp you are right if i left work he would moan that i didnt earn Nothing I ever do is right no matter how hard I try.
        Hand on heart if someone told me stories i could tell you about him id tell them to run, i just cant seem to tell myself. Thank you for your kind words means alot today xx

    • #136256
      TrappedButterfly
      Participant

      Oh nbumblebee.

      This time of year is so hard isn’t it. I am trying my best to avoid social media at the moment as it’s not helping at all. Remember, most of the time what you see is all the good stuff. You don’t see the struggles or the bad times. It’s easier for me to say this though. It’s hard not to think that way. But most people try to paint a picture of this perfect life on there. I did this. “Happy” pictures of me and my husband knowing that a day earlier or moments later, he’d be so angry at me or not speaking to me. No one had a clue what I was going through.

      I always live in hope but the thought of going into the new year is hard when you feel like that. But the one thing that is getting me through the tough times is being here. Reading posts and asking for support.

      So don’t ever feel like you are moaning. You are not. You need to let it out. It really does help writing it down in moments like this to try and make sense of things and realise you are not alone.

      I really feel for you. I’ve been there too. Both unhappy. Feeling so trapped with the knowledge of what’s going. Feeling so alone. You are exactly that… Frozen…. in that moment of nothingness.

      I really wish I had the perfect suggestion to help make you feel better right now. But all I can say is that you are amazing. You are getting through this day by day. You have the knowledge, you have the support. And try to keep hold onto hope. The hope that one day things will be better.

      And my last tip. Rather than scrolling through social media, scroll through some inspirational quotes. Motivational videos. Or listen to a song that makes you feel good. It really helped me in times like those.

      Sending you lots of love and strength xx

      • #136281
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thank you for such kind words.
        Its all just so hard isnt it?
        I thought admitting the truth was hard but now this, this is a whole new tough.
        I think maybe i wanted someone to say hey come on i will save you but in reality theres only me righg. Xx

    • #136257
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi nbumblebee,

      I absolutely agree with hereforhelp, you are not responsible for your husband’s happiness or unhappiness. Happiness comes from within for all of us. Those of us who are empathic, rational people know what actions would deliberately make someone unhappy so we do our best to avoid it, such as saying cruel comments, intentionally hurtful with our actions etc, but ultimately we cannot make someone happy who is unhappy. You know that, you have tried time and time again.

      Although there is no justifiable excuse to be abusive, there are often underlying reasons why abusers are the way they are. Very few are inherently sadistic and inflict pain and misery for the pleasure of inflicting pain and misery only. If your husband was a complete sadist then he would be happy seeing you live like you are, but he’s not happy, so therefore, he is not getting pleasure out of how he treats you. Whatever his underlying reasons are, they are too deep rooted for you to fathom out and help him with. The borderline dysphoric abuser is usually someone who is needy and dependent on someone and fears rejection and abandonment. In order to try and prevent someone from leaving them they behave in a very jealous and controlling way, wanting to know where you are all of the time and knowing what you are doing, who you are talking to, who you are emailing, who you are interacting with on social media etc. This is why women get followed around the house from room to room, have their phones inspected, their computers hacked, trackers put on their cars, not allowed out without them, rung or messaged every half hour when they are at work, given time limits to go to the shops. They are obsessed with looking for evidence they will often never, ever find. They are looking for evidence they are being cheated on, but instead of being reassured you are not cheating they believe you are very clever in hiding the fact that you are so they become more suffocating, more controlling, more obsessed. No matter how much you try to reassure this type of abuser you love them and want them it will never be enough, and as time goes on, you get worn out trying, their control over you turns you off them and you get repulsed by them, which they pick up on and fear that you no longer want to be with them and their fear of being abandoned/rejected intensifies, so their level of control and monitoring and jealousy intensifies. As you are experiencing, this is never ending and whatever you do is never enough.

      Staying with your husband will not make him happy, leaving him will not make him happy, if you do leave him and he replaces you with another woman he will still not be happy because of his traits. Unhappy people hate to see other people succeed in life, they hate to see other people having fun, doing well, achieving things, but people who are happy within themselves love to see other people happy and do well and be successful. So as you can never make this type of person happy you have to make yourself happy instead, and do so by whatever means that is.

      All of us have natural feelings of not wanting to be rejected or abandoned by someone we love or like.
      This may show by the fact that we are reluctant to let someone know that we like them in case we find out it is not reciprocated and we feel foolish for showing our feelings, but borderline dysphoric or dysphoric behaviour is far more complex than that and cannot be appeased by doing exactly what someone wants.

      Please do not feel that you are a whinge, are moaning, or whatever negativity it is you are feeling about yourself. You are none of those things. You are an abused woman who is slowly coming to terms with it and figuring out what you can do, or what TO do. It is hard for you to now understand and accept that the marriage you have been in for so long has not suddenly deteriorated in the past few years, it has always been like this and it is sinking in that you are now seeing that. Has there ever been a time that you could go out freely and mix with friends, has there ever been a time that he has encouraged you or congratulated you for achieving something for yourself?

      You have come a long way since you joined this forum. You have gained knowledge, now you need to figure out what you are to do with the power it has given you.

      xx

      • #136273
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Thanks as always @wantstohelp you make so much sense of it all. I needed to hear that today more than ever i have a tough few days ahead new year is not a good time for me and im finding it all difficult to cope with. Im back at work (detail removed by Moderator) for a few hours and i just know he will go mad when im back hes been fowl today not nasty but silent so I know its coming and I dont need it not this week. Your words hit me and I will be reading them over and over again during the next few days Ive just got to get through them and come back fighting come back wanting to continue to fight and not give up cause right now @wantstohelp hand on heart I wanna give up close my eyes and not see it anymore I know this isnt an option now but still i cant help but want it.

    • #136259
      Dreamingoffreedom
      Participant

      I totally get where you are coming from. I’ve known for a while this is emotional abuse (or mind games I would call it in the past as it seemed easier) and I’ve got so used to the cycle, and roller coaster of emotions. At the moment we are getting on okay. Usually I’d be so happy thinking, great, we are gonna be fine, he’s not so bad after all but now all I can think about is all of the things that have happened, how he has made me feel in the past and that he is emotionally abusing me. I am being civil, but going through the motions. Can’t bring myself to give him affection or laugh and joke around… then I start worrying that because of this it will trigger the next part of the cycle and does that make it my fault…

      • #136261
        Wants To Help
        Participant

        Hi dreamingoffreedom,

        What we know for sure is that abusers will not change. Your worry of what you do or don’t do and awaiting the next incident to trigger is the ‘walking on egg shells’ and ‘explosion’ stage of the cycle of abuse. It’s the anxiety all victims live with, that constant feeling in your chest and flinching at every little noise, the constant tension of waiting, waiting… It won’t be your fault, it is just inevitable that it will happen. No one likes to use the terminology ‘victim blaming’ but what I do use is ‘victim awareness’. As we educate ourselves about domestic abuse and start to understand it we do get to the stage where we are aware of what will happen, and depending on everyone’s individual relationships, the frequency of when. (Some women experience the cycle of abuse hourly, daily, 2-3 times a week, once a week, once a fortnight.) The next step is always up to us. Do we continue with the way things are or do we reach out and grab a life line to help us get out?

        By doing nothing, we remain in that hole which I call the ‘depths of despair’. No one can climb down and rescue us from it, but everyone who is standing at the top who can help us is looking down at us dangling a life line and waiting for us to grab it. Only we can decide when we’ve had enough time in that hole and only we can decide when we’re going to grab a life line. Sometimes we grab just one, sometimes we grab several in one go. Sometimes we grab one and get half way up the walls and decide we’re too weary to make it to the top and we let ourselves drop back down to the bottom again.

        What, or who, are the lifelines you may ask? On one side of the hole are your family and friends, your work colleagues, a club you may belong to, all of whom are willing to support you and perhaps offer you somewhere else to stay for a few days whilst you think things over and seek further help, or are there to listen and help you research your options or accompany you to an appointment. On the other side are the professional agencies who have the appropriate support to move things a bit quicker; the police, the DA charities, refuge places, counselling services, your GP, Children’s Services, Solicitors.

        No one can rescue us from our abuser, the will and desire to leave has to come from us. If someone was to come and take you away from him today and put you in to the most beautiful refuge in the world you wouldn’t stay. You can’t be taken from abuse, you have to leave it.

        Staying in an abusive relationship is like picking at a scab. We know we shouldn’t, it’s never going to get better, but we keep doing it.

        It’s so hard I know. I’ve been where you are but once I grabbed those life lines I had lots of people hauling me up to the top all at once and I was out 🙂

      • #136264
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Gosh wow you are so right nobody can do this for us we have got to want it got to be brave enough to reach out in my case im not there nowhere near yet but I know Ive got to find ny way, this is an amazing answer thank you.

      • #136307
        gettingtired
        Participant

        I’m in the exact same position as you @dreamingoffreedom. It’s so hard I know xx

    • #136284
      Lottieblue
      Participant

      This is the most amazing thread and has really got me thinking… remembering…

      @nbumblebee
      you have expressed things that were also so true for me but I never put into words. @wantstohelp – as always you have managed to express your response in such a clever way.

      @nbumblebee
      , before leaving, I had also reached that point of seeing no future. It coincided with the first lockdown so reality was suspended with me watching it hanging there… coming towards me but at the same time just hanging. I also had that emptiness where I couldn’t bring myself to show kindness, affection, enthusiasm, anything positive. But I figured that it was because I was actually dead inside due to years and years of abuse, of gradual destruction of my inner being. I felt incapable of any emotion. I felt incapable of any sort of existence beyond a purely physical shell. I felt I had no soul left. My husband also told me how unhappy he was. How unhappy I made him. He told me again and again, and got nastier and nastier each time.
      I find myself questioning, still, whether it was, in fact, me. Whether I was depressed, menopausal. Whether I could have got help and made him happy, made it work. But why, then, do I not have those same feelings now that I am away from him. I still have feelings of hopelessness and despair, but not all the time. And I think there is hope in there too. The thing was that I had lost all trust in him. I didn’t trust him with my emotions. I didn’t want to talk to him to try to make things better because I knew he wouldn’t. I knew that the very best I could hope for from him was a show of understanding, but that would be followed at some point by him throwing my vulnerabilities back in my face. I felt empty and hollow and quite extraordinarily void of everything.
      Yes, I was in that hole. I was well and truly at the bottom of it and I was fighting for my life and I had no choice but to grab the line and haul myself out or I would have lost that fight.

      • #136286
        Kitkat44
        Participant

        Oh my goodness lottieblue, I feel like you’ve just described me.

        Thank you all for sharing, it feels bittersweet to read experiences that feel true and you are amazing at putting your thoughts and feelings into words.

        Sending you all love xx

      • #136299
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Yes thats me i feel dead inside just not me not able to think feel want anything i just sit all day when im nkt working wondering wishing sometimes that all this would just go away.
        I feel hard hearted mean when he is trying to be kind then when he shows his nastyness im like ooop here we go here you are. Some days it feels like a dream like it isnt even my life.
        J dont have a line to grab i dont know where to look for something to hold on to.
        I really dont have anyone outside a lifetime of abuse leads to a lonley life i guess i feel i deserve no better.
        Your words are incredable thank you so much for sharing x*x

      • #136309
        gettingtired
        Participant

        I can relate to this Lottie. It does not feel safe to share our thoughts and feelings with them as they simply store them away to use as ammunition at another time. It is truly horrible x

    • #136290
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Nbumblebee your not always moaning you’ve actually been really sweet and supportive to the other forum members (including me when I was distressed af one day) your just deeply unhappy and probably not even aware of it but extremely likeable as well, as the others have said your not responsible for his unhappiness it’s just your guilt and self esteem issues making it feel like you have to change things to make it better, your husbands suffocating level of control has made you go off him (understandably) making you pull away more and feeling reluctant to bother with him and more depressed, he might feel it and up his control game and living in such close proximity sometimes people catch each others feelings but never give up anything that makes you happy, and there’s always someone that needs you , “you” need you don’t forget about you and lose yourself in something that’s making you severely unhappy 💜💞💜

    • #136293
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hey hun, I also thought that, that it was better not knowing, but I really tried not knowing it and it didn’t work, after times i had tried to leave, i went back thinking its all in my head and i was wrong. We have difficulties but thats normal and we can work on it. I switched off from YouTube and googling things. Decided to not ever look at abuse/narc material again.
      (I didn’t find the forum till before i left for good)
      But that only lasted a little bit after returning to him, then things got bad, i needed answers and had to find out what the hell was going on. So i went back to thinking yes he’s abusive and researching.
      You can try it to see, see how life is. I think we need to try everything to be sure we can leave and be sure we stay away.
      I’m kinda just ignoring NY and thinking about being with my family and having a nice time.
      I don’t have social media anymore. It only makes you feel bad so whats the point in it!
      Delete the apps and see how clearer your head can be, you can then really concentrate on your truth and the here and now.
      Lots of love
      X*x

      • #136294
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        And your not moaning or anything like that. Your going through a hard time and have every right to be unhappy and to voice that unhappiness.
        We are all here to support eachother during these times
        I hope next year is better for all
        Of us. I think thats all i can wish for right now. And i am 100% sure it will be better for us as we never stop learning and growing x*x

    • #136306
      gettingtired
      Participant

      I haven’t read any of the replies so apologies if I’m repeating what anyone else has said but I can really relate to this.
      I feel exactly the same! I’m frozen in time whilst everyone else gets on in life, achieving and succeeding. I on the other hand am just wasting my life. He is also the same as yours; always complaining, never happy and regularly saying how down he is and how unhappy he is in life. This also makes me feel guilty.
      It’s so difficult and I’m feeling all a bit weird because of the new year and everything so I don’t have the answers right now. Just know I’m always here for you and am basically in the same boat so you’re not alone 💞 x*x

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