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    • #10276
      Herindoors
      Participant

      So while with him he was all I could think about, he overtook my brain and being. Once he left I finally had some brain space back. I remember early on after he left laughing at myself because I realised that I was ‘thinking something through’ and it made me giggle because I never had the brain space to do that while with him.

      Now I am months and months on.

      Does anyone else now find themsleves replaceing thoughts of him with something else? So that you still have this one overriding ‘thing’ to think about. Which thank god is no longer him but its like my brain was used to a thinking pattern and so I have had to replace him with something?

      Not sure I am making much sense.

      I just want to start thinking like a normal person ! 🙁

    • #10283
      Falling Skys
      Participant

      Hi Herindoors

      I find that I can become compulsive about things to fill my head, as I do find he will pop in if there’s space.

      I think its because we were on hyper alert to survive. In time when our minds realise it can relax we will calm down.

      FS xx

    • #10286
      Serenity
      Participant

      I know exactly, exactly what you mean.

      I have realised recently that – though my body is still showing signs of trauma- I can go a whole day without actually thinking about him, and when I do, it is fuzzy, not in sharp focus.

      When I was with him, especially in the latter years, and after he left, I like you couldn’t process my thoughts properly. He demanded so much, filling my head, and the trauma feelings kind of slowed my thought processes down and I got some kind of mind fog.

      Now my mind is getting sharper again and my body more relaxed. The hyper-vigilance is fading.

      Hope you are ok x

    • #10293
      Ayanna
      Participant

      I do know so well what you mean, oh yes.

    • #10335
      newlife2015
      Participant

      LOL I know exactly what you mean – I can’t concentrate on one thing – I seem to be thinking of about a hundred all at the same time BUT when I was with him I couldn’t concentrate at work or on anything at all in fact – I have to say supermarket shopping has become a lot easier as I am definitely finding it much easier to make decisions about things – not scared anymore that I cam going to make the wrong one and but the wrong potatoes or bread! LOL

    • #10342
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      All shopping and decisions are easier Newlife…lol.
      How can one person make life so over complicated!

    • #10343
      SilkyHalide
      Participant

      That’s what I started thinking just before we separated. Other people’s husbands just seemed so much more straight forward and easygoing. Life looked so much simpler for other wives.
      I’m filling it with knowledge reading about abusers, parental alienation etc.
      Hope soon I can part back fill with the children and then work and get that back on track and might try and get back into lost hobbies.

    • #10348
      Serenity
      Participant

      The thing which I relish about being away from him is being able to simply enjoy the moment.

      He was always restless, the grass is greener elsewhere, bored, inappropriate, unrelated, wound-up and waiting to explode, superior ( you were left feeling your company wasn’t good enough for him- after all, he thought he was more intelligent than everyone, funnier, cannier ). He never enjoyed the present moment. I used to tell him, over the next hill isn’t always better than where you are, you know.

      He made you feel that you were mediocre for enjoying small and normal things- meals with family, going to the beach, having a BBQ, Christmas, etc. Things that make ordinary people happy. Like he was above it all.

      He got into my head and I stopped enjoying the sensory world, I was just in a traumatised head spin, looking anxious and haggard all the time. I had been sucked into his dark cerebral world of mental abuse.

      As part of my healing, I am trying to centre myself and enjoy the physical world. As I walk, I am aware of the softness of the rug, the smell of a flower. I can feel myself become more relaxed and unrushed. I think he deliberately worked me to the bone so I was always exhausted; it was like a torture camp.

    • #10352
      missgiddypants
      Participant

      ah yes the shopping now that is a delight ,buy what I want from where I want ,as I was banned from Tesco as he hated it ,and if I forget anything its not the end of the world and if I want to go to 3 different shops in a week ,I can got ticked off for that ,I once got into real trouble as I had forgotten to buy some rice
      he made our dinner whilst I was at work as have few part time jobs ,he text me to get some on the way home I copped in when I got in ranted and raved at me ,he had been to the local garage but they not sell rice going nuts saying he was hungry ,led to a right battle as I ranted back ,months later got ranted at cos I said I was going to Tesco’s as I had some coupons got screamed at for that ,when he left to go to work I sat there in tears thinking why do I put up with this ?? my answer ladies cos it’s better than being alone
      this was some years ago girls but I still remember it all .

    • #10427
      newlife2015
      Participant

      I used to get told off for not cutting onions up correctly, putting the butter in the fridge and not buttering toast all the way to the sides! God forbid if I got something wrong on the shopping list! Now if I want something – I just buy it – probably shouldn’t as finances are rubbish but love the thought that I can now do what I like!

    • #10432
      Herindoors
      Participant

      @serinity – He got into my head and I stopped enjoying the sensory world, I was just in a traumatised head spin, looking anxious and haggard all the time. I had been sucked into his dark cerebral world of mental abuse.

      So well put! This is how I felt and unfortunatley still do a little. I feel I need to empty my head of him (and my replacement thoughts that now fill that gap) completely and then the tight anxiousness around my head will fade and I will soften.

      I feel like I need to soften up (in a good way!)

      Take care everyone x*x

    • #10438
      Serenity
      Participant

      Her Indoors,

      DBT recommends that people post -trauma do things to indulge and heighten their senses ( as a way of trying to get out of that traumatic head spin).

      So, things that will really awaken the senses like eating fizzy sherbert, handling ice cubes on a warm day, ice cold drinks on a hot day with for example fresh herbs such as mint, stroking a pet and feeling its softness and warmth, paddling in the sea, massaging your feet on a soft rug, buying really fragrant flowers and placing them in a place you will smell them often, aromatherapy baths, fresh and exciting fruit, cool water to drink, a walk in the sunshine….

      ..all those things he wouldn’t have let you enjoy and ridiculed you for wanting to enjoy!

      This will help centre you in the beautiful physical world and help sick you out of the dark world he wants you to inhabit x

    • #10440
      Serenity
      Participant

      I mean help suck you out of that world he wants you to inhabit

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