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This may just be more therapy to me than anything writing this out somewhere. apologises if some of this doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know if i was a victim of abuse, or made my partner this way towards me.
My ex partner and I always had a rocky relationship. From the beginning they stated that this was nothing serious and was just a FWB kind of situation (we agreed that we would both continue talking to other people romantically, we were a temporary fix for each others loneliness), we were both lonely due to lockdown and found comfort in each other and for our mental health problems. We were very comfy, and i started to catch feelings. When i had told them that i caught feelings they were annoyed with me saying i had ruined a perfect situation and was very hostile towards me, saying i had messed everything up and that we can’t be FWB if i had caught feelings. So i called our ‘situationship’ off. When (detail removed by moderator), they had written me a note saying how much they liked me etc and wanted me back, which of course i did. We were then on and off for the next few months. They would constantly talk down on me, be very hostile when i would talk to other people romantically, even though they were the one to suggest talking to other people at the very beginning. They would happily go on dates with other people and be with them romantically, but i was always an evil women for doing the same. I would leave them when they would talk down to me but I would be so worried about how they were doing when we weren’t together, they suffered really bad with mental health issues and had ended up (detail removed by moderator) for suicidal thoughts. this would also happen after i would leave them.
Fast forward to me moving cities, i started seeing someone else, but was quickly over after a month or so after i was r*ped by this new partner. I was incredibly lonely, having little friends in the new city i had moved to, i returned to the only thing solid in my life when everything else was falling apart (or at least i thought they were the only solid thing in my life). I didn’t tell them about the partner i had in-between us being separated again, mainly due to the fact i was so worried what they would say. I lied about being with anyone, however after a (detail removed by moderator) of being back together my ex partner had found out i had been with someone else, i told them after (detail removed by moderator) After i told them i was insulted by them, called names, said they were going to tell everyone in the town i was from about how i ‘cheated’ on them, that i had given them an STD and lied about being with someone else (however i wasn’t even with them at the time of being with the new person). I was so worried about how i might be perceived and what they was going to say to people about me. I was so ashamed with myself, they said to me how much i had hurt their mental health and how i had betrayed their trust. I didn’t know what to do with myself, i was lost.
After things had cooled down, they had said they wanted me to regain their trust, i did everything i could to make things better between us and really worked hard on our relationship. I was being completely manipulated at this point. They were begging me to be in a relationship officially with them, but i my head something felt off, i should’ve known from then not to go ahead with things, i would say how i didn’t think what i did was right and they we shouldn’t be together because i would only hurt them more. They got in my head, saying how they had forgiven me for what had happened and that we would start fresh, date again, forgot the past (detail removed by moderator) and just be new again. I took a leap of faith believing them, and for a time it was a perfect relationship; we were finally official.
When i returned to my home town i stayed with them for the time being. The arguments soon started again, the jealousy issues came back. They hadn’t fully forgiven me, they said they had to convince me into getting back with them. They would throw the previous relationship in my face when i would stand up for myself when we argued. On (detail removed by moderator) he got drunk and started yelling at me for being on the phone to my exes, i wasn’t, i was on a zoom call to my friends. more arguments similar to this occurred over the next few months. When i returned back to the city i was living in we were long distance. This is when things really started to get bad. they would ring me for several hours of the day, i had no alone time. They were constantly watching my location and would text me horrible things if i turned it off for any reason, they were asking were i was all the time, who i was with and what i was doing. I started smoking a lot of drugs to cope with the feeling of being watched 24/7. He would belittle me and say i was nothing more than an addict, he would accuse me of cheating on him if i was out with any of my friends, when i called them out on their behaviour they would throw my previous relationship in my face saying i did it once i would do it again.
The cool off period was the worse parts for me, when they would realise what they had said and done, they would send me cards, gifts, flowers etc, all saying how sorry they were and that it would never happen again, that ‘WE had to work on OUR relationship’. Never taking and accountability for what they had said to me, any problem we faced was either my fault or our fault. Never theirs. I was always the one who had to change my behaviour, saying i never rang them enough, didn’t care about how they were feeling all alone in our home town, they never had to change their attitude. Every time we would enter the cool off period again they would just be this poor innocent being with just really bad mental health issues, completely ‘helpless and nothing without me’. Thats why i kept going back, i couldn’t bare the thought of them trying to take their own life again, i felt almost responsible for keeping them alive.
When i finally got the courage to leave them for good, they ended up trying to take their own life twice. harassing me with texts, sending me photos of them in A&E or in the back of an ambulance, saying how they need me and they weren’t well. Posting his suicide note publicly online with references to our relationship. They were sectioned for a time and I now struggle a lot with anxiety and PTSD since our relationship ended.
because how our relationship ended so publicly for everyone to read, i feel as if i am perceived as this evil woman who drove my partner to suicide because i left them in their darkest time. I know what i did was the right thing for me, but was i being selfish for not helping them? am i the idiot for believing them? or am i really the abuser? was i just ruining this persons mental health so much so it lead them to think suicide was the only way out? -
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hi lovely,
that was alot to read through, and i think i have understood, but i am sorry if i misunderstood parts.It seems to me, like you have done nothing wrong. Everyone gets lonely, and throughout this pandemic it can be worse that usual. I can understand totally why the FWB would be appealing. From what i have read it would seem that he was a selfish person though, he suggested the FWB because he could get what he needed without giving anything serious, which i understand is the whole point. but this changed when you would “see or talk about others” he then bacame angry and aggressive” this is typical abuser mentality, you are a posession to pick up and put down when needed, and you do not have the rights he has to have anyone else.
again this is not your fault, nor is any of it your fault, these types of men pray on broken women, they see the “broken” parts and come to us like the can “fix them” but just cover them untill they can use the holes to poke at and break us further, they make us even more vulnerable knowing that we would need to lean on someone, and low and behold- there they are!
they play with our minds, make out it is US that is the abusive, crazy, or unstable ones, when really they are there planting the seed and dripping in the poison of doubt.
honestly, do not blame yourself-i have posts here that can be accessed by clicking my name and looking through forum posts.
the freedomprogramme is a great thing to look at- living with the dominator by pat craven is a great book, it helps you see the different “masks or hats” these men wear to wear us down…
the gifts etc are given to “woo” us back when they realise they are losing their grip… do not fall for their sweet talk, they will turn as quick as a viper once they feel you are back in your place.research
power and control wheel.
freedom programme womens aid
living with the dominator by pat craven
power to change- self help by womens aid.
read through my older posts that i started.
this info is vital and will help you.
good luck stay safe, stay strong, you got this -
I feel like you ‘cheating’ (which you didn’t, you weren’t with them) was kind of a perfect excuse for them to control you.
With me, I’ve not cheated on my partner. But he was cheated on by his ex and I cheated on my ex too, which my partner knows about. I feel this has been as an excuse to control everything I do and who I talk to, and to check on everything I’m doing. It’s unhealthy, controlling, and not okay.
Them threatening/attempting suicide is also a way to manipulate, control, guilt you into staying with them. You are not selfish.
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