Gas lighting and/or blame shifting!? (Emotionally Unavailable)Am I to Blame!?

[deerinheadlights]

Hi All,

I was not emotionally unavailable until he made me that way!

He is the one who couldn’t and/or wouldn’t connect in the beginning and now that over a very long period of time of extensive arguing and fighting over his pettiness and now I am the one that is totally exhausted and emotionally drained from it all! Now I m having a hard time reconnecting with him, he therefore ?’s me and my connection with him and our relationship together and he wonders why and asks me why it seems like I am distant and/or not connected with him anymore! Well if he used the term “ANYMORE”(His words not mine) than I would think and that would go to show that I was once very much connected to him until he emotionally sucked me dry and than I feel like he blames me for being that way, that I am now! So if I was connected but not anymore wouldn’t that say in essence that he depleted me-so I feel manipulated, so is that considered gas lighting? Its like he kept metaphorically speaking shoving his emotional insecurities’ and all his accusations about me down my throat to where I have become numb and after a long while of dealing with that  I became very disconnect! So, since he got me to the point of being disconnected and now says I m the one who is disconnected from him again. isn’t that gas lighting? Its like the roles have reversed and now I’m in his shoes if that makes sense, which I think he wanted to purposely turn the tables! Its like he is an emotionally sucking vampire! I’ll admit I have been in bad relationships before in the past, however, I came into this relationship with this person I have been with now for a very, very long time now with never holding over his head or grudges anything from my past relationships and what they did to me, I came into my current relationship with a clean slate ,so to say and also never compared him to anyone that did me wrong!!! I did tell him though about bad things that happened to me in my previous relationships and later he used that against me!!! Like I said its like he wanted to flip the script for what ever reason, which I don’t know that reason I wish I did!!! Its like he now resembles me and how I was at the start of our relationship and I m now in his place where he was at the beginning!!! I think this is sick& twisted to say the least!!!  Anyone Please reach out and respond and give me an honest opinion and some advise as how to end this relationship and the madness with this individual!!! Thank you all in advance!

[deerinheadlights]

P.s.

and is it my fault that I’m disconnected now from our relationship??

[deerinheadlights]

P.s.s

I know it sounds kind of absurd but in a relationship aspect, I feel lie he has stolen my identity!!!

[deerinheadlights]

I meant to say  its *Like  he has stolen my identity !!!

[deerinheadlights]

Also I have come to the point of isolating my self meaning barely talking to him we see each other every day and I feel like I am a zombie just going through the motions day to day!!! He also says  he is sorry but I honestly for these things he has said and done to me but I don’t believe him as we have been here before, so therefor I feel like its a trap So he can bait me again and then the cycle just start all  over again!!! So he just try’s to tell me that I just need to get over it  and move on as if it never happened because he said its not going to do any good to stay in the past, which that part is funny because that is what I used to tell him when he would bring past things up whether it was things he would bring up from my past prior to our relationship and dragging those thing into our relationship or our past things we were going through because of his insecurities !!!

[Lisa]

Hi,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. What you described sounds really exhausting and draining- its understandable that you are needing to emotionally protect yourself from this. You are not dealing with someone who is reasonable- he is not considering the impact of this on you- he is choosing to behave in this way.

He wants you to feel isolated and trapped so do continue to reach out for support where you can.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[deerinheadlights]

Lisa,

Thank you for responding back, I really appreciate it!

and you are right!

[Better-days]

I can relate so much to everything you’re saying I’m so disconnected from my partner he’s gradually chipped away at me untill I have nothing left to give but somehow everything is my fault. I understand so much how you feel. I’m trying to make a plan to leave but there seems to be an obstacle at every turn. One day I’m on top of the world and next it’s on top of me. Life can be so difficult living like this I don’t have too much advice but know your not alone and I’m here anytime if u need a chat

[deerinheadlights]

Hey Better-days,

Thank you so much for your response, it means a lot when I receive responses back form you all that are going through similar and/or the same things!! Thank you for letting me know I can chat w/ you anytime and the same goes for you, if you ever need to chat I’m here for ya as well and/or anyone that needs to talk or vent!! I definitely know what it is like to either have no one and/or not a lot of people to talk to r that have limited resources to work with!!  Also too add to all of what I had mention in my above previous posts, he is and has been trying extra hard for a while now to not just be nice but extra nice!! Sometimes I think that they think we are naïve or something and we are not ,we are just vulnerable, there is a difference!! I don’t have anything left to give mine either, so I totally get it!! I don’t even want to be with him any more but as always he suck himself right back into my life again!! He also always pulls the card of I’m leaving when something is not going his way, so I call his bluff so to say, and when I say ok  or whatever, he stays!! That is also why I don’t believe him, I think he is a big phony now and I cant and don’t believe anything he says anymore!!

[Wheresmysparklegone]

Wow that could be my life exactly. I took comfort in reading your situation, even if that sounds strange but I have been going through the same.  I’ve too become distant because I feel disconnected from him but because I’ve been like that he is making out to be the victim and I’m the gaslighter!  He has worn me down and I’ve tried to leave.  Things got really bad at the weekend, quite violent. It was terrifying. I’m now getting the sorry’s and how bad he feels etc. I’m bruised in all sorts of places. We don’t live together so I don’t have any financial ties, but what is stopping me saying it’s done?  Do I hate myself that much? I look at the bruises and say I must be worth more than this.  I need the strength to say that’s it!

 

[deerinheadlights]

Hey Wheresmysparklegone,

I don’t live with mine either, it seems like it though because he is over at my place all the time!

I finally got the courage (timeframe removed by Moderator) to tell him how I felt (timeframe removed by Moderator) and he still wont leave even though he said he was going to! I’m starting to look at this another way in my situation, if he can not even keep his own word to himself by him saying he will leave me alone after I told him how I felt but he is still there, then apparently he cant keep his words of promises to me either!  I am starting to take back control of my life little by little! I read in some one else’s post on here that really resonated with me, obviously there is something really wrong with our relationships with who we are with, if not none of us would be on this forum to begin with, that hit home when I read that! and also that person stated there is no excuse to to hurt or belittle anyone regardless of their excuses, that are no excuses !!!

 

[deerinheadlights]

and you got this girl !!! and if you ever need to chat I’m here 🙂

[Author]

Posts