12th November 2018 at 11:47 pm #66955
This is my first post in this forum. Recently, I realised that my partner might has been gaslighting me for years without my noticing. I only learnt gaslighting that word last year from internet accidentally. I saw a story online about how people got gaslighting in their relationship.
My situation is every time when I feel my partner upset me and try to explain why I feel that way. My partner will say it is all my imagination, calling me a liar or accusing me being crazy or manipulative. Sometimes, my partner will also get very angry with me something I don’t think I did it. When I try to explain and recall me memory. My partner always gives me a different version of the story even though sometimes I actually have the evidence to support my story. If I try to present the evidence, my partner will get very very angry with me. At the end I have to apologise despite I don’t think it is actually my fault. Now I feel so sad, unhappy and helpless. I have lots of self-doubts nowadays. I have no confidence to myself at all.
I really don’t know what I should do. I feel like I am losing my head and no control of my live.
12th November 2018 at 11:55 pm #66958freedomtochooseParticipant
this is gaslighting lovely, sorry to say this. it is the worst thing. keep postimg
13th November 2018 at 12:02 am #66959Twisted SisterParticipant
I am so sorry you feel so sad and low.
You are better off though now that you have seem it. You can see what he’s been doing.
It is a shock, and such a horrible realisation
Now your eyes are open to his tactics to control and keep power.
I hope you will keep posting.
Warmest wishes ts
13th November 2018 at 12:03 am #66960Twisted SisterParticipant
13th November 2018 at 12:16 am #66963
I can’t help myself and keep wondering whether my partner does it (gaslighting me) intentionally or just does it without realising it. And is it anything so I can do and change my partner’s behaviour?!
13th November 2018 at 12:49 am #66967TiffanyParticipant
It’s intentional unfortunately. If it was just misremembering/remembering things differently then he would accept it was him who had misremembered. And there is nothing you can do to change it. He’s doing it on purpose to control you. Please don’t confront him about it. He’s likely to try and increase his control of you in other ways if you do.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Gaslighting is terrifying. My ex used it against me and I thought I was going mad. I couldn’t trust any of my memories. It wasn’t until I left that I realised that I could remember things properly, and I realised that not only was he lying about things I had promised to do and hadn’t (which he then yelled at me for) or about what our plans were, but he had actually talked me into believing that he hadn’t punched me (minutes after he punched me). Having survived it I would say leave as soon as you can and don’t give him a hint of your plan until you are safely away. It seems extreme, but the levels of control that gaslighting gives an abusive partner over you warrant it.
13th November 2018 at 1:39 am #66970
First I want to say thank you for everyone’s replies. It is very encouraging and helpful.
Tiffany – I can see your point. I remember when I tried to tell or confront with my partner that I am not a liar. The situation only got worse. I was repeatedly told I am a horrible and evil person. All I said is a lie and only trying to play people’s mind. I was also repeatedly told I am a sickening person and need help. It happened today again. When I insisted I was not lying about something. My partner again said I am a person that is incapable to communicate to so no point to talk to me and just told me shut up.
I keep thinking if I told anyone that my partner is gaslighting me, I don’t think people we know will believe me. The reason I said that is because my partner is a very charming and caring person when in front of other people. At least everyone I come across always said that to me.
13th November 2018 at 12:53 pm #66999FlowerchildParticipant
Hello, Bluehead. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It is indeed gaslight ing, sadly.
He certainly knows what he’s doing – why else would he get so angry and try to silence you whenever you insist he’s mistaken? An honestly confused person would listen and be worried if they’d misremembered, like you do, wouldn’t they?
You can’t change this behaviour; it’s his behaviour and only he can change it. He doesn’t want to because it works for him. He likes have you off balance, uncertain, doubting yourself and worrying. Only he knows why. It’s about power and control, at bottom.
When he rants at you, I suggest you listen hard. I think he’s projecting – giving you his feelings and qualities. Look on it as confession. Don’t tell him, of course, just listen differently as it’s himself he’s really talking about.
If you stay, this behaviour will drain all the confidence and joy from your life. You deserve so much more from life than this. Imagine a world where you were accepted and valued and your qualities were celebrated, a world where truth counted for something. That’s where you belong!
14th November 2018 at 10:01 am #67025RouxParticipant
As everyone else has said, this is gaslighting. He is aware of his tactics, even if he perhaps isn’t aware of what it’s called. To me, I think this is one of the most confusing and difficult parts of abuse to overcome because it completely wears you down and leaves you at their mercy. It is very hard to see things clearly while living in this kind of situation. Trust your instincts!
16th November 2018 at 7:07 am #67140GoggleeyesParticipant
Oh darling blue, first off huge hugs to you. Xx Never, for one more second think it’s you. I’ve lived this exact scenario for over a decade before realising. I am indeed an utterly educated, strong, feisty woman who dissintegrated into a marshmallow goo brain without even realising it.
The phrase and thoughts you explained on both sides was exactely me. Trust me, his behaviour will get worse. You will not change him-ever. He is what’s known as being glamorous, meaning he will only allow people to see what he wants them to see. Outside your relationship I’m sure he will advocate for others in a helping, kind way. Seemingly sincere, charming and an utter joy to others. While indoors, you know the harsh, cold reality. Why does he do this? It’s so you’ll have no one who will believe you, if you were to ever confide in someone you may even briefly pass in your life. To anyone not in your relationship it would be deemed utterly unthinkable for your partner to behave in any Manor other than golden. People would further commend him on his behalf without even realising, making you doubt yourself and your thoughts. If he does know what he’s doing, he doesn’t care. If he can’t recognise what he’s doing is harmful, he doesn’t care. Ultimately the only thing he cares about is him. All the time. I know it’s so confusing but get out. Once you remove yourself and have support you will quickly see everything for what it was. It might take a few months to feel normal again, you need the time to become deprogrammed by his methods. Follow any lead that may seem vague to you currently but percivere and get out. You will feel better for it. Ultimetly, it’s down to you to look after yourself and offer yourself the self care and respect you need. You can do this. All the very best.
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