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29th October 2024 at 7:10 pm #172038Yellow-birdParticipant
I’ve read a lot of posts on this forum; and in my line of work I am aware how severe abuse can be – and I am aware what I have experienced is much more on the milder side.. however..
I recently left (detail removed by moderator) my partner due to his behaviour. He lost him temper over every little thing; shouted all the time; broke things in our home. He was always a little insecure and that came out in jealous remarks.
When he acted out; for example breaking things; shouting; hitting himself out of frustration- it was always brought back round to me – how I never understood him; or I always tried to rationalise his worries/fears; I never took his side etc (his words)
He didn’t like me seeing friends or family in our home; he embarrassed me on multiple occassions with rude language or behaviour in front of my friends/family.
He was physically aggressive around me .. but not too me he only ever put this hands on me once. He punched doors; walls; hit himself; used threating language towards our pet and when his behaviour was at it’s most severe he threated to harm or kill himself.
I couldn’t take the walking on egg shells and tension much longer I was quite detached from him in the end; the reason I left because his behaviour ‘blew up’ infront of friends and family and I could no longer hide what I was living with. He put on a show infront of other people for sure’ or on social media when the reality of who I was living with was very different.
Now being seperate from it.I can see aspects of control; gas lighting; always blaming me and how everything was my fault; putting distance between me and those who I was closest to; just making everything into an arguement; nothing was ever simple. I was never enough – to not embarrass; to make any effort; putting down me as a mother when I wanted to spend anytime with anyone outside him;
Not too sure what I’m looking for from sharing this… other than I guess . what should I recognise this as? I do feel like i was controlled and gas lit but I know it wasn’t as severe as abuse.. a bit of grey areaa although the impact on me has been huge. I was a shell of myself by the time I got the courage to leave; I constantly blame myself; low self esteem; worrying I am always the issue’ hard to be around.
Im finding it difficult as we have a child together and he seems to have very little recognition or accountability for what occured in our relationship – he jsut doesn’t see the things that happened the way i do – he thinks we are still close/wants a friendship but I don’t want that at all. He messages every day; I still feel I am pandering to his emotions rather than putting myself first.
That was a very long rant – apologies.
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30th October 2024 at 9:04 pm #172061LisaMain Moderator
Hi Yellow-bird,
Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Domestic abuse includes physical, emotional, financial, sexual abuse and controlling behaviour. Abusive men often blame their partner for their behaviour- this is also part of the abuse. Any form of abuse is unacceptable and you have described someone who was physcially aggressive around you, broke things in your home, isolated you from your support network and made threats of suicide. making threats to harm themselves is a common tool of control that abusers use- he wants you to feel responsible for him.
There is no grey area and you are entitled to support with what you have been through. Do contact your local domestic abuse service for ongoing support if you can.
Best Wishes
Lisa
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