11th May 2020 at 10:41 am #102981
Hi – I’m looking for some practical advice. I’m a longstanding survivor of (detail removed by moderator) abuse. I’ve recognised it for quite some time but still get tricked by the ‘the good times are good’ and the ‘not his fault’ thoughts so while every incident leads to me knowing in my head what I have to do, frightened, hyper vigilant and anxious knowing I need this to stop. The next few days it is just easier to get things on an even keel and not escalate things further. I’m doing all the practical things – have a friend who knows, my phone is always with me but the issue is that this is my house that he has moved into. If it was the other way around I would have left before but getting him out is the issue.
(Detail removed by moderator) he said that he was leaving due to me being a complete **** and the most unsupportive partner ever etc. after I challenged his behaviour towards me. He said he would leave in (detail removed by moderator) to get things sorted. I’ve taken this opportunity to agree and I don’t think that is the outcome that he was expecting. I’m now fearful as I know this is where it might escalate. I would like to get out for (detail removed by moderator) and come home to find him gone. However, I’m worried that it won’t play out like that and by me leaving he has opportunity to take over my house and I’m putting myself in a vulnerable position.
So do I leave and put safety and sanity first? But does that put me at risk of him taking over my and my family’s home (he is not their dad and they are (detail removed by moderator)btw)?
Any advice would be gratefully received as my head is a mess.
11th May 2020 at 11:15 am #102983
If your gut is telling you this is what he might do I’d listen to it. He can go now, pick his things up in (detail removed by moderator). All he’s possibly doing is buying time, hoping you’ll have calmed down and have forgotten the whole incident. Meanwhile you’re relying on that date to come round and he goes, is he doing anything to organise his leaving, is he packing,contacting someone to live with?It’s called push pull behaviour.look out fir what’s called the honeymoon phase, it’s where he becomes super nice. Look up the cycle of abuse. You’re right in thinking he’s called you unsupportive because you stood up to him. Could you contact the police and ask fir advice or your local women’s aid.
Be watchful and keep a journal too. It’s amazing what we forget.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞
11th May 2020 at 12:20 pm #102988
Thank you – been lurking on this forum for a while but knowing its here and your response really helps me.
11th May 2020 at 12:56 pm #102993
Took me a while to post initially too. Terrified someone would know who I was and therefore who he was. Take your time, baby steps all the way.
11th May 2020 at 1:06 pm #102995KIP.Participant
He’s going nowhere. His threat of leaving is designed to punish you and you’re supposed to apologise and beg him to stay. When this doesn’t happen he will try something else. My advice is it’s very dangerous to end a relationship with an abuser. He’s stalling for time to regain control. My advice is to ask the police to remove him and change the locks. I know this may sound extreme but he’s always managed to change your mind before and when he realises you’re serious, he will become dangerous.if you leave him in the house he’s still going nowhere and yes he’s likely to destroy your things out of spite. Get your local women’s aid involved to support you through this. Speak to the domestic abuse police for some advice.
12th May 2020 at 12:17 am #103050
Thanks everyone – I’ve had to leave as I could see the situation escalating into dangerous territory. We’re safe tonight and have contacted the police who said I’d done the right thing and I was so relieved when they said they could help and support me through things.
12th May 2020 at 12:32 am #103054
Hello Hope123, that is indeed good news. I hope you have a peaceful night. Bless you, stay safe, we understand if you’re not on fir a while, it’s going to be a busy time, but we’re always here.
Love and strength fir the coming days
12th May 2020 at 9:17 am #103068KIP.Participant
Well done for involving the police. They can remove him From your property and allow you back home. If you get a helpful officer then write down their name and shoulder number and contact details and don’t let them go. Try to have him removed before he does any damage to your property. You deserve to be safe in your own home. Keep posting for support. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline and ask about a non molestation order x well done for taking back your life. He gave you permission to walk away the very first time he abused you. None of this is your fault and you will be believed x
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