- This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 11 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
When I first saw my DV counsellor she said I was numb, that I had moved into a dissociated state. Last week we decided that I would stop saying “sorry” to people especially in supermarkets. I say the word “sorry” to virtually everyone I walk past in a supermarket, if I have to reach past them to pick something up or if my trolley goes near them I say sorry. I must say sorry about 20+ people on every weekly shop but I have never touched anyone with my trolley or taken the last of a product- so I have done nothing to apologise for. I have been so submissive, I am always saying sorry to everyone. I said sorry all the time to my abusers, especially after an
abusive episode.
This week’s homework was to go shopping and not say sorry. I said sorry within 2 seconds of being in the shop so I held my mouth shut for the rest of the shopping trip.
My counsellor said that this might trigger some anger which I found a bit hard to believe as I am not an angry person and I have never got angry with anyone despite what they have done.
Today A family member snapped at me unfairly and I did something I have never done. I just lost it. I got really really really angry. I felt like I had entered a different world, my language was appalling and I was so enraged I couldn’t speak to anyone for 2 hours after I had stopped shouting.
I am a pathological people pleaser so to say this is out of character is an understatement.
I think the anger which was unleashed was latent anger, part was deserved by my relative but some of it was from the past. I cried for 2 hours after I lost my Temper and now I feel exhausted.
I am surprised that the counselling is causing such a change in my behaviour. It is hard but I think I might be healing and this unleashed anger is part of the process. I still feel angry now. A new emotion. X -
Hi, wow your post exactly describes how I’ve been, I have said a thousand sorrys, over & over again, I also have over justified everything I say and do, I have also got really angry for the first time in my life! Then sat and sobbed, but exactly how you’ve just described the people who I got angry with were telling me that the abuse had been my fault and that now I am away I should just get over it, I was in it years and so was my son, now adult and not his son. I personally feel my anger has come because people have judged our situation by comparing their lives to what ours was like with out abuser, using their perceptions of life within a normal relationship, nothing like we have been through at all
I feel sure that we continually say sorry because we are so terrified of upsetting anyone for fear of repercussions, we lived so many years pacifying our abusers it becomes a way of life. Also with me now I am honesty terrified of saying or doing anything wrong because everything I said and did for years with him was wrong and I constantly got criticised. We are told to have healthy boundaries now, but the truth is I’m still to scared to do that, still try to keep everyone happy, still scared of upsetting anyone just in case they get angry, and like you say anger for us is a new emotion, to Me a terrifying one, I go from that to sobbing and feeling terrified again xx -
This seems quite normal. I listen to a podcast called “The Guilty Feminist” which is stand up comedy but with a serious message (female empowerment of course), and the ladies regularly speak about how apologetic we ladies are anyway (surely worse when being abused!).
One of the hosts (Sofie Hagen, she’s hilarious) had a difficult childhood and has spent years in counselling. She said that her therapist started working with her on how to show anger. The first time Sofie felt/showed anger was that night when she punched her best friend in the face – mortifying!
You are not alone xx
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
