This topic contains 7 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  [email protected] 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #85113

    This will be my second post this evening but this one is to offer advice rather than to ask for it.

    I have to be careful what i say as i have a feeling he reads this – or at least he did – but i want to share some of my experiences in the hope that it helps others.

    I lived with my abuser for a very long time before i actually realised what he was – it was a chance remark from a friend who said that his behaviour sounded like he was controlling and it was like a lightbulb moment. I can still remember where i was and how it felt.

    I have read lots of books on abuse over the last year and there were so many things that i didn’t think applied to me. Since i have been free and i have started to trust myself again i can see the truth and i hope you don’t mind my analogy. Living in the kind of situations we live in, is almost like living in a dense fog. The fog is the abusers behaviours and the way they make us feel about everything which they emit from themselves. It is suppressive and confusing. We might not know what is up and what is down. The more time you spend with that person (in contact with) the denser the fog gets until you dont know where or who you are. The further you are away from the abuser the more the fog lifts and the more clear things become.

    I think what i am trying to say is never to give up. Fight the fog – even if it is by acknowledging that it is made by your abuser and not an issue you have personally.

    Stay safe x

  • #85115

    I love this, thank you Scarecrow. It’s a perfect description of how I’ve felt. My entire existence revolved around his happiness, his entertainment. We forget who we are, the things we love and enjoy fall by the wayside. I’m looking forward to finding me again now the fog is clearing. Xx

  • #85116

    Hi Scarecrow,

    Well done for coming on this journey! As someone currently battling the fog it is such a struggle and I hope one day it will clear enough for me to stop believing I am the guilty one.

    I am currently planning my escape and hoping to be out by the end of this week. This will be my second attempt. The fog comes and goes in tremendous waves, its thick enough to make me feel like ive been winded.

    I too have been reading a lot about verbal abuse and the different tactics they use against us and it makes me feel physically sick. I still feel so guilty for planning my escape as I am thinking of just leaving one day when he is out.

    I am so scared and worried about it but i know once I get through the worst I can begin piecing my life back together.

    We can do this.


  • #85118

    We CAN do this. It’s terrifying planning your escape. I’m fortunate. Mine fell into my lap and he’s in another country so am relatively safe (I think). I hope you manage to escape Marmaladechamp but please stay safe. I’m part way through reading “why does he do that” and it’s a revelation. It’s a scary and worrying time, but there is the other side. Keep posting and let us know how it’s going. Xx

  • #85120

    The FOG is Fear Obligation and Guilt x

  • #85183

    Wow Kip! How true is that?

    I hope no one minded me just rambling on with that last night? I just wanted to try and share a little of what I have realised over the last few months. I remember finding this forum years back and questioning if what I was experiencing was abuse. I remember all the people who helped me – KIP being one of them – and I want to help others the way they helped me xx

  • #85190

    I didn’t know that either KIP, thanks. It’s very true- all three definitely apply here! I’m so glad I joined this forum, so much support and great advice xx

  • #85230
     [email protected] 

    i think thats an amazing analogy scarecrow 🙂 i was quite young when i felt like this the FOG- all i knew was i was unhappy – trapped and just could not think straight at all. everyone around me didnt understand why i hung in there (i was asked where is your self esteem?) your integrity? he took that and messed with my head! we feel alone because noone understands our thinking process – they dont see brain washing though, the only ones who understand this truly are the women who have endured this. on this forum we are one – always stand together and that is the bonus – women always stand together in the face off adversity because we are strong 🙂 xxxx love diymum

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