22nd July 2020 at 4:38 am #110702
Finally getting out very soon to a refuge just for a short period of time until a temporary contact court order has been arranged. And then will be moving back to a different home. Have gone round the houses to find a solution, have exhausted all options so have peace of mind and now timing seems right.
Security wise. I have switched off location and changed my security settings on social media and my phone. I will be taking my laptop with me. I have removed the very few bits and pieces that I had on his computer. He doesn’t have access to email or passwords, all of which I have changed to ones he would never guess and he is rubbish with IT anyway. Is that enough? Anything that I have forgotten? I was thinking of getting a separate SIM but then its not easy for me to get right now and rather keep using my phone but just ignore his calls. What did you do about that when they are constantly calling and texting you?
What happens about your post to your current home? Or did you just leave it? Money is tight and I don’t have the 5 working days needed for a redirection. I am hoping he will just leave alone and pass to me or my mum.
Is there anything that you wish you took to refuge in your suitcase? I have a little one and was planning to get him to pack his fav stuff in his trunki. (I have a list of documents/paperwork I need). Food/Kitchen bits? Or anything else?
On the last day I want to remove some x-rated photos of me of the computer, do you think I should if I get a chance or just not worry about it? I will be downloading all the photos on my own computer before I go but won’t be able to delete this photo album until the morning of my last day really in case he notices.
Finally What did you say to your child. Mine is too young to understand and won’t say anything until we are safely on route but LO will ask questions. Just say you’re going on an adventure/mini holiday and daddy needs to stay home to work???
24th July 2020 at 7:19 pm #110958LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support, it sounds like you have been through a lot. Have a look at this page as it gives you advice on preparing to leave and what to pack https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan You really have thought about a lot though already, you can do this.
I really hope things go ok for you and that you and your child are safe.
Take care and keep posting to let us know how everything goes,
24th July 2020 at 10:01 pm #110969iliketeaParticipant
Turn off all your paper statements as that could identify where you are.
My IDVA told me to say we were going on a holiday/adventure which I did but it didn’t seem to help mine. They sensed something else I think or that I wasn’t telling the truth. So after a day I decided to tell the truth. Daddy and mummy don’t love each other anymore, that’s why daddy has been angry with mummy, we have decided not to live together anymore. Few tears, questions but honestly relief, and then the realisation that that would mean 2 homes, 2 lots of toys, 2 Christmases and 2 birthdays. And daddy gives more treats and screen time…apparently!
I think honesty but keep it simple. If not there is the danger they could feel it is their fault in some way if it’s unsaid. Young children are quite self-centred by nature so they will immediately think like this (it’s a developmental stage).
Joint account – ask to have it frozen if that’s an option and a good idea for your situation so he doesn’t rack up debt that you would be jointly responsible for.
Other than that youve covered everything.
I’ll keep thinking.
24th July 2020 at 10:05 pm #110971Wants To HelpParticipant
Definitely remove the x-rated photos, and don’t just delete them, go to the recycle bin and delete that too, make sure they’re totally deleted off the device, especially if devices are synced. Revenge porn is illegal, but it’s hard to prove, and once those images are out there the embarrassment and damage is already done isn’t it – a prosecution isn’t going to undo that.
24th July 2020 at 10:06 pm #110972iliketeaParticipant
Remember to empty the trash can after you delete anything so it’s completely wiped.
Take a treat for you for those first hours that you are at the refuge. When your LO goes to sleep and you’re alone. Something to make you feel special. A magazine, chocolate, new nail varnish, whatever is your thing.
31st July 2020 at 7:05 am #111266
Thanks everyone for your tips. Safe in my new temporary home and managed to delete those photos properly!
Thanks for tips on what to tell your little one Iliketea. At the moment lo thinks we are on a little adventure and is loving it. I need to have that chat soon especially because lo can’t speak to daddy and usually we are all together all of the time. We do an online diary each night for him to read through with dad when lo gets to see him in the near future. Hopefully lo will take it in fine.
31st July 2020 at 8:48 am #111273YellowBirdParticipant
Hey Newboundaries, well done on getting out! I’m only a few days separated myself (he moved out), and am feeling pretty emotional a lot of the time. Relief, guilt, doubting myself, tearful and sad at what I wish we could have had, fears & worries waking me up, elated every time I come home or go downstairs and realise he’s not there.
All these feelings arrive sometimes without warning and can be pretty intense.
You may be surprised to find something similar happening- this is all normal. My therapist warned me it may happen, so did people on this forum. I didn’t expect it to be so hard, but it’s absolutely worth it if it means I’m free of him.
Sending you strength & hope…
31st July 2020 at 8:49 am #111274LisaMain Moderator
Thank you so much for letting us know that you are safe. You did really well to delete those photos before you left.
It’s good to hear that your little one is doing ok, you’re a really good mum and you have done what is best for both of you. It has taken a lot of courage and strength, I hope that everything works out for you.
Please keep posting to let us know how you are doing,
17th August 2020 at 9:48 pm #112342
Thanks Yellowbird and Lisa. Just received my court date and going to be staying longer than expected but it is what it is. Hard sharing a house but at the same time its a thousand times better than being under the same roof as him, the things I put up with was starting to break me. And so it is lovely just having that peace in my head and freely being able to do what I want to and see my little man flourish. Going to be away longer than I wanted but going to use that time wisely to build myself up mentally as going to need it for the court case and the move back (to a separate home). Yellowbird had so many hot and heavy tears that just overwhelmed me during the first 2 weeks. Sometimes still do, its an emotional journey but one for the better and it will be worth it. I hope you are coping OK too. Stay safe everyone
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