Getting paranoid so close to leaving

[wishfulthinking]

I really really could do with a boost of support and advice because im afraid im going to lose my courage and bottle it on exit plan.
Why am i feeling so indecisive and double minded when this is all ive dreamed of doing for the last decade?
Everything has been full speed ahead since ive decided that we are suffering domestic abuse, and he is never going to change. The health visitor, the gp, the family lawyer, the police, the dv police, the ethnic womans support worker, the childrens support worker and today seen a counsellor, everybodys been so supportive and helpful, i never thought so much help was possible, but its just been 1 meeting after another that im feeling completely overwhelmed and recently ridden with guilt of what im doing behind his back. I know its for my own and my kids safety, but because everythings so calm right now (only because hes at home in between holidays) im feeling really stupid and crazy for attempting to leave at such a “nice” time. Even though i am really scared and intimidated by him when hes angry, i want him to get angry and abusive just to make me feel “better” of what im doing……..is this me finally losing it or is are these feelings normal?
Even my eldest has noticed me being withdrawn and quiet, always thinking things over about our exit plan, that shes getting worried about my mental health so much that she thinks i should give up the whole plan for now, and im feeling like im heading towards having a nervous breakdown and day now……..
Are all these feelings and emotions normal?
Please tell me how did you cope the first few days after leaving and how your partner reacted to find you gone because my imagination is running wild and hes not physically abused me yet, hes threatened me but not actually done it, and because im moving in with family im getting really nervous about their safety too.
Ill be changing my kids and my mobile numbers, but i cant expect my siblings to do the same. And i know for a fact he will be bomabarding them with voicemails and messages, how can we overcome that?
Im really struggling to keep cool and act “normal”.
Id rather there be a big full blown argument before i leave so atleast he’ll “know/understand” why ive left like this, but instead this “peace” and “calmful” environment is driving me crazy…….
Please tell me im not going crazy😓

[Tiffany]

Not crazy. Normal. Keep an eye out for the small acts of abuse. I left after a long calm spell. I realised that even when things were “good” he was still finding ways to make me feel bad about myself. The guilt is normal too. Abusers teach us to put their needs above our own, and it takes great discipline to learn to put our own needs first. You are doing really well. It’s just the fear that you should follow your training and put him first which is making you feel guilty. It will wear off once you are away from him. Keep going. It will be a strain on your mental health, but only short term. Staying with him would be a strain forever. You are doing the right thing.

[White Rose]

Hi there. This is completely normal and you are certainly not crazy!
Stick with your plan and follow it to the letter. You’ve got the right support in place but I remember I still felt very alone at this stage.
Watch for escalating abuse – the only time my ex ever raised a hand to me was in the week leading up to my leaving. I was scared but knew for certain then that I was doing the right thing.
Don’t expect him to EVER understand what he has done, that it was wrong, why you left, he doesn’t get it now and he never will, just make sure you never minimise what you’ve experienced and see your life of abuse through rose tinted specs as that’s when you’ll risk going back. Don’t even consider it.
I remember ever minute of the day I left – the fear, the excitement, the relief and the guilt. It will be a tough day but it’s the first day of a new life and that’s what you need.
Keep safe.

[wishfulthinking]

Thankyou so much for your quick responses and helpful advice. I cant believe that im not going crazy or having guilt trips about leaving him, i cant believe all my feelings are normal. I have never left before, no matter how bad things got, even when he once threw a hot frying pan at me because i wouldnt admit that i hadnt cooked the food right.
When i think about things i think to myself how much of an idiot, of a doormat ive been, thinking he’ll change, but when it comes to actually leaving and the practical side i cant help but feel crazy and guilty. Its hard to explain but im pretty sure you all will understand.
Ive made threats to leave, sometimes he shouts and scares me that i cant leave or else he’ll have no choice but to get physical, and sometimes he will laugh in my face and say where are you going to go? You have nowhere to go so stop talking c***, or he’ll say go, im not stopping you, in a snidy way with a smirk, like he knows im talking c***. Now im acting on it im feeling really scared, what if the plan doesnt go according to plan? What if i regret my decision? What if he swears to change and begs me to come back? I dont have answers to any of these questions because ive never had the courage to leave before so i have no idea what his reaction will be once ive gone through with it.
The only thing ive kept myself going until now is that ive found out from one of his family members that i talk to is that when they tried to talk to him and tell him how unhappy i am and how he treats me and the children (everything to which he denied obviously) and they just put it out there asking him what he will do if i leave with the kids, his comeback was “she wont leave, i know she wont leave like that”……..just because ive taken on board every s****y thing him and some of his family have done and said to me, he is so ignorant and adamnant that i will never leave. I keep thinking to myself how much of an a**hole and up himself can a man be? He is such a cruel and horrible, selfish arrogant man and i just want to kick myself when i have guilt trips of how i am going to leave now, that an arguement would remind me of why im doing this, but it never comes, and yet im still walking on egg shells.
Im sorry, im just rambling on now, dont even know if im making sense……..never thought id be in this situation…….its so sad

[KIP.]

You can do this and will get through it. Just remember to go total no contact and tell your family and friends to do the same. Any contact will being confusion, doubt, guilt and any onther manipulation he can use. You are entitled to choose who you allow in your life and an abuser is not one of them. You have the power. It’s your life x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi wishfulthinking, just sending you some heartfelt best wishes. I hope you managed to leave and got answers to your questions running wild in your head. Im slowly making my way to the door. Its such an awful thing to be living, with,indecision. Im going to get as much legal advice as possible before i make any other decisions.
When i think back to how little time i took to organise my 1st wedding getting out of this marriage is proving such a Munroe to climb. .having gotten some info recently i certainly feel a lot better and invincible.

IWMB 💕💕

[Mimosa]

You are doing so brilliantly! I got out (Detail removed by Moderator) weeks ago. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had all the same thoughts as you, about betraying him (he was in a being less nasty phase!), coping, whether it was the right decision, the effect on my children etc.

It took me years to do this because of fear and the conditioning I’d been exposed to. I am coping, basically I am doing everything I was doing before, but without the tantrums, stress, put downs, name calling, threats, demands for perfection in everything and entitlement to sex etc etc.

It is hard emotionally for me and my children but alongside the sad times we are more calm and relaxed and have had genuine laugh out loud fun which didn’t happen much before.

He is trying all kinds of tactics to get back in but can’t use his total power anymore because I’ve got some of my own again! I’ve got brilliant family and friends and I’ve done the Freedom Programme and  going to do the Recovery Toolkit course, read loads (It’s my life now and Lundy and Bancroft’s etc) so have awareness of tactics etc. I’ve also had brilliant support from a refuge drop in centre and this forum. Get all the help you can because you will need it.

I feel your pain, my brain felt like a tangle then like cotton wool, my emotions were scattered and I was totally exhausted. I remember looking in the mirror the day I literally shut him out from my life as my ‘partner’ saying ‘I can do this’. And I did. The fear was immense, but it gave me the rush of adrenaline I needed to function that day. My wonderful friend that helped me said it was like I was giving birth, all the stages, it was a good analogy and made me laugh when she’d say ‘You’re crowning, push, breathe, nearly there!’ but it also helped me remember I’d coped mentally, physically and spiritually with all sorts of massive unknowns before as a Mum.

Be kind to yourself after, I was hyper for days then totally shattered. Just ride the feelings and keep breathing. It is not an easy journey but it does get better every second of every day. I still can’t believe I am the other side of it, I tried for so long.

Just to be out of the daily toxic outbursts alone is reward enough. He is still my children’s Dad so I’m being reasonable to help everyone along. It is tough, but it is tougher thinking about the years I have spent trying so hard to make everything perfect for him and putting my own life and opportunities on hold. I am now reclaiming my body, mind and spirit from him and getting stronger all the time.

Keep safe. You can do this. You are a strong capable woman.

We are with you.

X

[Iwon]

It took me years to leave and I left many years ago now with my child….. I have read loads and done all the programs with womans aid and the way I understand it now was I was brainwashed by him over many years of insults name calling criticism and being starved and threatened constantly what would happen to me if I left. I would be homeless bankrupt and lose my child.

I was terrified. I left with a double mattress and a bookcase. Scary as it was I felt like I could breath. I didn’t go bankrupt or starve or lose my child. Considering he took all my money off me when we were together I felt like a millionaire because we could eat. I would be dead now if I hadn’t left either from suicide or him killing me. It’s like coming out of a cult of lies but the fear and brainwashing slowly fade.

Thank God I left for me and my child. We are happy.

I noticed the be reasonable for kids. Cit all direct contact as much as possible. Get 3rd party to arrange. Only deal with him by email. Give him no door back in. Tell your family to cut him off. Warn them of what is happening. Get a womens aid helpline person to talk to. Go as close to no contact as possible. Read up on parallel parenting as anything else imo does not work with abuser x

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